Thursday, June 06, 2002

Okay it's time for a really long post from me. I haven't done one of these long stream of consciousness things before so you will have to deal with me.

Right now life really sucks. I am working this temp gig at an international bank in midtown and what I am doing is so freaking boring that I want to rip my hair out and run screaming from the building. I have two more weeks left on the gig (and that could extend if they see fit) and I can't wait for it to be over. But here's the nub...I need to get work after this job is over. I can't seem to understand how friends who are going through the same agencies I am, are getting work, and yet I am told that there is no work available for me. Now this is what I don't understand, I tell them that I am available to do anything (within in reason of course) and my friends are all getting work but I am not. It doesn't make any sense whatsoever. So, I'm thankful for the very boring work (hard to believe but it's true) but I would rather not get lied to by these agencies. I am going to call up one of my agencies next week and mention this company that my buddy (Ohayo Ataud!) Eric is working at through them. Unless this is the one place that my placement counselor sent me and turned me down, I will request they send my resume there and see if I can get some work.

In order news, I'm re-reading Tales of the City for the millionth time. There's just something about those books that make me feel like I am being welcomed home. I know NYC is this big city and there are lots of people out there and things to do to meet people, but, sometimes, the city can be a very lonely place. I am definitely not a bar person -- well in the stereotypical term of the word bar (smoky air, dark lighting, etc). I dunno...maybe I'm making more out of it than I should. I'm thinking about joining up with the Gotham Volleyball organization -- a gay and lesbian volleyball group. I've missed the current season and hope that I can get back in there and play the next time. It's $105 for the season so it's something to look into...I do like playing volleyball and will probably play in the recreational league -- the really noncompetitive division.

Now let's talk about love. Sigh. By now, if you have been reading the blog, you know that there is a guy on whom I have a major crush. I have made myself several promises that I said I will act on and if I don't I am going to be VERY disappointed in myself. Let me just put it in these terms...I come across as a very outgoing person but in reality I can be incredibly shy and demure. My mouth just shuts up and I get really quiet. It's not that I am uncomfortable in the situation but I don't want to make myself seem like an ass. That's kinda how it goes with this guy -- that and the fact that I fell for him first and then became his friend. So we're friends...but I want more -- and I've wanted more for quite some time. I know all about the stuff that is in his life right now and I've held back. The last thing I need to do is burden him with this. It's the line between I want to be his friend even if he doesn't want to go for it and doing or saying something that will make him uncomfortable around me. We've already had a conversation about friendship where one person wants to pursue something with the other but it only works out in about 5-10% of the cases. I just don't know if I fall into his 5-10%...

Let's see...that's career, loneliness, love...what am I leaving out...friendship...even though I already covered a little of it above, let me just say that I am of the firm belief that people come into your life for a reason -- both good and bad. For everyone out there that I have ever met...thanks...you have made me into the person that I am today and I either love or hate you for it (depending on how I feel about you at any given moment....)
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