Monday, June 30, 2003

I forgot to add an interesting side note to last night's festivities at the Pier Dance. I know once I get hyped up on making out with a guy or the really cute as fuck guy that helps out the team on occasion I just forget some of the more scintillating moments.

I was talking with our team president about, of all things, how I don't really go into my sex life that much or really talk about the sex that I do have. And yes, people, I do have sex now. I mean there was that eight month run of nothing but as of late it has picked up a bit. Anyway, I mentioned this to our team president in the context of a conversation I had with another teammate about my bachelor auction date. From the way I spoke he assumed (and said it outright) that no "nookie" took place on our date. I responded with, "Well...if there was then I'm telling. I don't kiss and tell." Our team president responded with, "Thank God someone on this team believes in that."

Of course this then led to the discussion of if I were to go looking for sex where would I go...I had no clue as to how to respond. I'm sure I could head out to the Eagle or the Dugout or some place and pretty much find what I want. But what was more interesting was our talk about perceptions and expectations. Basically it boiled down to a talk we had about people putting out very suggestive and/or explicit personal ads on public websites and then taking umbrage when it is used against them. Well maybe the phrase "used against them" is a bit strong but certainly used to an advantage that might not be advantageous to them.

Anyway...I have six months left in this year to fulfill my New Year's Eve Resolution to put myself out there more and venture into the unknown world of dating and so forth. I actually do have a date lined up for when I return from Canada in a few weeks (he's in fact leaving this week for a vacation of his own) and I still need to set something up with Wrestler Guy for kickboxing although that, to me, is not a date, but a chance to kick ass.
So....let's talk about yesterday's Gay Pride Parade/Day/Dance,'s sure to be a long amusing post so please settle in...

First and foremost I got there later than I expected but actually it was pretty much well ahead of schedule as we got there at 11:30 but weren't really out of our post until around 1:00 or so. The rugby team led off the sports groups and we found it highly amusing that the groups in front of us were the Leather/Levi/Festish groups. We thought we were supposed to be behind a group called MAST and we had no idea what that meant until we learned that it was Masters and Slaves Together. Actually we ended up behind the Metrobears which wasn't bad at all since they are a pretty nice group of guys.

Oh...before I go any further let me lament once again the lack of female breasts flowing in the breeze. I only saw four pairs which is highly lacking. Of course this is an increase over last year when I only saw one lonely pair of female breasts strutting their stuff. Next year, dammit I want more tits!

But back to the parade...I marched with the rugby team and we were in our kits (rugby jerseys, shorts, etc)...well some of us were. Some people didn't come in the shorts but they did wear the jerseys which made a nice presence on the street. Quick Wrestler Guy note (since at least one of you has emailed in asking whatever happened to him): He did tweak my nipples at one point and it was pretty much just nothing and I stood there and said, "What? That's all you have? That's it? That's nothing!" to which he laughed and replied, "You would be like that." Then on the parade route, he and another player were in the back on the truck we were driving down the street and decided to "couple" on top of the truck several times. Of course this led to the roof being dented and the owner of the truck not being too happy about it.

Anyway...back to the parade here we are marching along passing out condoms (we had condoms with the team logo, name, and website printed on the wrapper) to hand out along with postcards promoting the team. Now here's the point in the story where Brian could have been a total whore while on the streets of New York but decided (once again) to play it safe and pretty much do nothing. At one particular street, these group of men took a liking to me and were blowing me kisses. As I was handing out cards, my main focus really was on passing them out and not making out with the people on the street until one of my team members came up to me one block later and said, "So why didn't you do anything about it? They were so into you..." Ya know, he was right. Opportunity presented itself and I did pretty much nothing about it. Then again it would have just been a meaningless makeout session on the side of the street.

Then again I would have been making out.

So the rest of the trip through the wonderful world of gaydom was pretty much relaxed. One of my more favorite moments came during a water stop when we gave a "three cheers" for two lesbians kissing. Of course, I had to miss that moment so I had to have them kiss again which then further required me to show my disappointment that no tongue was involved with the kiss.

Towards the end of the march my legs and feet were screaming for me to stop and rest for a moment so I hopped into the truck and sat on the window (legs inside the cab, body through the window) but at that point I really wasn't in the mood to do really much of anything. I had been up rather late the night before and my body was like...okay, it's over just smile and be nice to the crowd. On a good note though, I didn't get burned which was my major concern and my freshly shaven head got some sun but no burning so I have no complaints there. Well maybe a few but they are just minor things anyway... :)

Let's see...I did see Mr. Faustus at the parade as well since he was in the same grouping I was. I have said it before and I will say it again...Faustus -- cute as a button. I didn't get to see much of their work but I think at one point the cheerleaders did a pyramid but I don't remember...

So the parade is over and people were warned to take stuff out of the back of the truck but they didn't so when the truck pulled off they were left high and dry wondering what to do and where to go...silly boys....

So from the parade I went to the pier dance because the team had agreed to work in the coat check area as a fundraiser for the team. I was in the volunteer check in area which was incredibly less busy although it was funny to note that all of the partygoers (or as I preferred to call them, cast members from the movie Dances with Drugs) got their items before the volunteer staff did.

Crash managed to score himself a date by the end of the night so we have to give him a nice hand. The fact that the kid is 22 (and I can call him a kid if I want so there) means absolutely nothing although it tends to go with the age range that Crash likes.

I, on the other hand, am nothing more than a big flirt. Okay, there's a guy that helps out with the team on occasion and is friends with one of the players and I have always thought he was cute as fuck (and seeing him topless last night pretty much goes to solidify that fact in my mind) but for some reason I get all demure and coy around him and can't bring myself to do much more than flirt. So that's all I did last night was flirt mainly because I get way too nervous to do much of anything else around him and well...nothing is probably going to happen there anyway.

But, here was my personal highlight from the day -- I did get to make out with someone. At the volunteer check-in for the pier dance, there was this very hot Latin guy who made a nice showing of his underwear and made some comment about how his foreskin tasted in someone's mouth. Of course my comment to that last line was, "Okay let's prove it...." So when he came back to get his belongings I made damn sure that I got his ticket so I him properly. Now, next to us on the table was this huge box of fruit that we had left over and were just giving away. Latin Guy asked if the fruit was free and I said no. It would cost him a kiss. So we just started making out right there in front of everyone tongue and all. And damn it was such a nice kiss. We should be thankful that there was a table between us because who knows where it could have gone...

The bad part was one of the guys in his group was, I believe, his boyfriend. Now I have no proof that it was his boyfriend or that he even has a boyfriend but I could have done something but true to my form I didn't do anything (mainly because I really did think that was his boyfriend standing beside him). Anyway, I made sure he took home one of our team cards with our website on it and can hope that he comes out to a practice or something. It would be nice...

I got to bed around 1:30 this morning with my legs and feet STILL throbbing. This morning they are in a shitload of pain and I really wish I had someone here to massage them...sigh....big dreams I know....
Okay this week was all gonna be about someone else (in the vein of my recent Karen Walker Weeks) but since she passed away yesterday I think it would be a travesty to not make this week Katharine Hepburn week in the Quote of the Day here goes nothing....the best of Kate Hepburn, four time Oscar winner (all for Best Actress -- Morning Glory, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, The Lion in Winter, On Golden Pond)....

Quote of the Day

The time to make up your mind about people is never. -- Katharine Hepburn as Tracy Lord in The Philadelphia Story.

Friday, June 27, 2003

What are you to do when someone you know had taken up a job career that makes you just scratch your head?

Case in point, the person I know was the head of a large non-profit organization and recently stepped down to pursue other interests (or at least so he said so therefore it has to be the truth WINK WINK). Well...come to learn that he's taken up being a male escort!

I'm trying to figure out if this was a natural job progression or if it was something to the point of...Well, the job market sucks, let me make money off of my body. I found this out through a mutual friend (and this can be verified by other people thank you very much) who received an email which he forwarded on to me which would take you to their online ad at what is apparently a male escort website.

It alternately made me want to laugh and gouge out my eyes at the same time. And then I felt sad. And then I wanted to email him and set up a fake date with him because I'm just an evil person.

Then I went to bed.

Man if that's the most exciting my life can get on a Thursday night (outside of watching Amazing Race 4) then that is pretty sad -- especially now that I can have all the gay sex I want (or my body can stand) and not be arrested for it.
So once again we bid adieu to Karen Walker Week although I promise you that next week's honoree is going to be someone that will get her two weeks let's go out with a bang shall we...

Quote of the Day

Honey, you're simple, you're shallow, and you're a common whore, that's why we're soulmates! -- Karen Walker

Thursday, June 26, 2003

Some quotes that came out of today's major Supreme Court decision....

The petitioners are entitled to respect for their private lives. The state cannot demean their existence or control their destiny by making their private sexual conduct a crime. -- Justice Anthony Kennedy writing for the majority.

What Texas has chosen to do is well within the range of traditional democractic action, and its hand should not be stayed through the invention of a brand-new 'constitutional right' by a court that is impatient of democratic change. -- Justice Antonin Scalia (hisssssssss) writing for the dissent.

We won big. It's a historic day for gay Americans and for all Americans who believe in basic liberty because what the court said is that all of us as adults have the liberty to choose how we're going to express our love for one another in the privacy of our own bedrooms. The court is just catching up with American society. -- Ruth Barlow, Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund.

The court has said today that morality -- matters of right and wrong behavior -- do not matter in the law. That is an undermining of our concept of justice in this country. (Oh don't get me started on this one people!) -- The Rev. Rob Shenck, National Clergy Council

This means that for morality to be used as a basis to discriminate against a group that the legislature disfavors for some reason, there needs to be more than invoking the name of morality. You have to show some legitimate purpose, some societal harm that is implicated by the conduct that the state is seeking to outlaw. -- Legal analyst Kendall Coffey
Okay if you were this guy would you really need to put naked pictures of yourself on AOL in order to get men? I mean he's a fucking hottie, right? (Oh and if you find these pictures of him or have seen them, do let me know.... :) )

So when we read this story at work today we're all thinking one of two things -- it's either a relationship gone sour or McCollum was rebuffed by Bartelstein or it's just blackmail or it's all really true....either way....I would do Steve Bartlestein....wouldn't you?
To paraphrase my friend Bobby....God I hope sex is still as good as it was when it was illegal...things are just better when it's a little illicit and the chance that you could get thrown in jail with a 400 pound man named Tiny with a tattoo that reads "Pain is Good" on his left arm and one that reads "Mom" with a heart for the "O" and a dagger through it on the left.






Damn that felt good...

So if you're going to celebrate tonight....there's a rally being held in celebration of the ruling (although something begs me to ask what would be done if they had ruled the other way....) and here's the info....and again, as Bobby said...if you can't get laid here then you got problems...

Sodomy Ruling Rally - New York
Thursday, June 26, 2003 - Tuesday, July 1, 2003
Sheridan Square (West 4th Street between Christopher and Grove)

And as my friend Jason said...."Coming up next on the 6 o'clock news...Lone Star State power bottoms rejoice..."

Could he have meant Lance Bass (who has described himself as a power bottom.....)?
So yesterday I go to post some of the insightful commentary (such as "Do lesbians like having a lumber company named Dykes -- do they find it affirming or do they think that it just degrades them and forces them into yet another sexual stereotype along with gym teachers and tennis players?")...anyway....I was all set for another round of this when I couldn't posta damn thing all day....

Why? you may be asking yourself right now....because Blogger decided that few hours that they needed to convert over to this new format of posting (which really isn't much different than the old format just prettier to look at) would take ALL FREAKIN' DAY instead of the few scant hours that they said and cause me to forget the really insightful commentary that I had planned for's all too tragic for yes...we all could have been talking about something that could have impacted each and every one of us deeply for the rest of our lives but I think we can just blame it on Blogger and be, sadly, bereft for the rest of our lives.
Quote of the Day

Listen, get your ass over to Bergdorf's and buy her an I'm-Sorry gift, something she'd like, but nothing red or orange. Or yellow or green or stripes or plaids or zippers or epaulets. Or fur or feathers or sequins or pleats. You get the idea. -- Karen Walker

Wednesday, June 25, 2003

A belated quote of the day, but one none the less...

Quote of the Day

What are you looking at, Prego?! Haven't you ever seen herpes before?! I tell ya, some people are so insensitive... -- Karen Walker

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

You know what really bugs me? My freakin' coworkers that decide that they need to teach me new things at the last minute of the day when they've had all day to sit down and do it...why is it always like this? Stupid dumb fucking bastards can all go rot in fucking hell for all I care....

God that felt so good to get out...
So I'm at work today and have to be at work for the remainder of the week, if not the month, no matter how sick I am, because one of the people I cover for (not the maniacal Gloria) is going to be on vacation for the rest of the month in preparation for his wedding. Then after he gets married I have to cover for him for 2 weeks and pray that Gloria does decide to pull another fast one and leave me high and dry covering her desk and his desk as well as my own because we all know how that makes me feel.

Now I've been looking into fulfilling my Price is Right fantasy and thanks to everyone's tips it looks like I have a good chance of getting on stage and winning something :). Even cooler, they are taping on my birthday this year so I could conceivably fly out the day before, go to the taping, wear a shirt that says: "Plane tickets -- $$$, Hotel room -- $$$, Taxi fares -- $$$, Spinning the Big Wheel on my birthday -- Priceless", play Plinko, win a car, not to mention a double showcase showdown win, fly back the next day and have no one be any the wiser that I've done it -- until it airs.
Quote of the Day

'No Grace he has a name! I just don't remember it. No wait! It'll come to me, It'll come to me. 'Where are my damn eggs... Paul!' Paul. Oh god, Paul is dead? Now who the hell is going to cook for us?!' -- Karen Walker

Monday, June 23, 2003

The best of Hans Blix, UN Weapons Inspector

"It is sort of fascinating that you can have 100 percent certainty about weapons of mass destruction and zero certainty of about where they are.

"Three-and-a-half months for new inspections was a rather short time before calling it a day and especially when we now see the U.S. government is saying that, 'look, you have to have a little patience, you know these things take time.'"
So I'm sitting here home sick from work today. I feel like my head is about to explode every time I cough. I had aches and chills all last night. I hate being sick. I hate how it makes me feel. I hate that icky, cranky, grumpy, nasty feeling that I get. I turn into this evil monster who really doesn't want to deal with anyone and takes out my frustration on other people which, of course, is wrong on multiple levels.

I guess I wouldn't be as upset if this was just something that recently started but this is something I've been dealing with since Friday. Nothing I seem to do or take or whatever is making me feel any better. I slept for almost 12 hours last night and it didn't help me one damn bit. I drank an entire carton of orange juice. Nothing. I've taken Advil Cold and Flu and I just have really colorful urine now.

I'm crawling back into bed once the Showcase Showdown is over. Can I say that the only good thing about being sick is revelling in those childhood moments where I would watch the entire CBS line up of game shows and then come to realize that there's only one daytime gameshow left -- The Price is Right. I swear one of my goals in life is to be on that show....I just need to come up with a good gimmick I guess....
You've asked for it and you got it (for at least one more week)'s the continuing KAREN WALKER WEEK here at Tales From the City....

Quote of the Day

It's the oldest story in the book. Boy meets girl. Boy wants girl to do dominatrix film. Girls says, "Naked?" Boy says, "Yeah." Girl says, "No way!" Boy says, "Okay how about you just wear this rubber dress and beat this old guy with a scrub brush?" Girl says, "How hard?" -- Karen Walker

Friday, June 20, 2003

The diva of the Daily Dose is having a workshop and I was like, "Oooh this sounds good" until I realized two things -- 1) it's a women's only workshop and sadly I'm walking around with an extra appendage and 2) it's for people who want to be taken seriously...and as we all know...there's so little about me that can be taken seriously....'s a kick ass class and dammit...if I only had a vagina I would be there...but go here and learn more about it and I'll just go off and watch more episodes of Judge Judy so I will learn what not to do...
Last night I was at the Comedy Central Roast for Denis Leary. Now I know you think this is the Friar's Club Roast like they have done in the past but you are wrong...Comedy Central is trying to revive the old Dean Martin style of roasts he did a while back and well...let's just say if they are anything like the one last night they will not last long.

It was one huge penis joke all night like. Penis and testicles were the theme of the evening. Penis, testicles, and gay jokes. Rene Russo sporting a strap on dildo in a video clip. And yes...they showed the penis (which made me jealous it was so big...)...Joe Mantegna comparing Denis' career or the age of it or something to Shannen Doherty's "twat" (and yes, he said "twat"). Overall Mario Cantone, Dr. Dre, and Ed Lover had the best bits with the best clip coming from Gilbert Gottfried who voiced Denis' dog. Best line of the night: "You're Irish. Why are we roasting you? Shouldn't you be boiled?"

And something the people at Gawker will like to know about -- trucker hats were on display. There were at least two male models (I'll explain why models were there in a moment) who were wearing trucker hats with the mesh backing on them. Of course I thought of the people at Gawker when I saw them. The "set dressing" included models who were hired just to sit on stage and look pretty. Well first according to my sources they overbooked the number of models and some didn't get to be on stage and were rather pissed about it. They were offered to be seat fillers but some people weren't too keen on it since if they did get to sit down they might not get back up when the people who had claim to the seats returned. After the show they were pissed that the production staff wasn't going to be able to get them into the party. One of them, I swear was wearing a denim skirt so short it was a belt.

Also on the dais were members of the cast of the Sopranos. Of course they've already been killed off of the show by now but since their only claim to fame is the Sopranos they are riding that horse as hard as they can...and while I'm at it...apparently the NYC smoking ban didn't apply to this show since more than one person was smoking quite liberally on stage...even Gina Gershon (who should never ever sing again) made a comment about shoving Denis up Bloomberg's ass (or something like that)....

Overall...I have no idea how they are going to air this show. It's going to be something along the lines of this...."Good evening! (insert world's longst bleep out sequence here where only every fifteenth word is heard). GOOD NIGHT!!!"
Sorry everyone I was working at an event last night (which I will post the details of later today) so I'll do some extra special posting for all of you....but as we finish out Karen Walker Week I give you this gem...

Quote of the Day

I think you're missing the silver lining here. When you're old and in diapers, a gay son will know how to keep you away from chiffon and backlighting. -- Karen Walker

Thursday, June 19, 2003

Quote of the Day

Stan had to take his kids to Scarsdale to see their real mother. What was her name? Wait a minute it'll come to me..."Stan, take the kids to see that bitch...Cathy!" Cathy. -- Karen Walker

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

No...the NYPD says there's no quota system but if you at the budget figures for the upcoming year...there's a huge increase of about $130 million (or something like that) in revenue coming from tickets alone. Some of the stupid things that you can be ticketed for as according to the Daily News:

Talking to loud outside your apartment.

Blocking a turnstile (the man bent over to pick up the change that had fallen out of his pocket).

Having truck lettering that is one inch too short to comply with commercial vehicle laws.

Loitering outside your own shop.

And my personal favorite...Unauthorized use of a milk carton.

Okay here they are writing up all of these tickets and when I call them up to take care of the people playing their music way too loud at an ungodly hour of the morning or the massive amounts of people playing street basketball (and yelling and screaming during the game) until well past midnight and they say they will come and take care of it and they never do then what the hell kinda world is this? They are picking on the most inane of offenses but yet can't respond to a call in the middle of the night while kids on the street (who should be in bed) are screaming at the top of their lungs, "Hey! Everybody up! It's 2:00 in the morning!" What's even worse is their "Don't Blame Us" campaign...ugh...basically someone has to be lying here...either the police are being hard pressed to write tickets about the smallest most asinine things to make their freakin' quota or the Bloomberg administration is lying in saying that police are just doing their job.

Personally, I would just love to see an analysis done of the following things -- how many stupid (think milk crate) tickets were written in the last three years as compared to recently and how many were thrown out by the judges? Don't they realize it will cost the judicial system more to have to try all of these cases when people plead not guilty to stand up to this stupidity? They aren't making money here...I pretty much think they will be losing it...
Today's Adventure in Corporate Politics
A Play in One Act
by Brian the 646 Guy

Scene 1

(Lights up on office, 646Guy enters and goes to his desk. He sees that his voicemail light is flashing and opts to retreive the message.)

VM: 646Guy this is Loopee in HR. Could you come down and see me as soon as you come in?

(646Guy hangs up the phone and stares off wondering what this could be about. Lights fade)

Scene 2

(The office of Loopee, the HR Queen)

646Guy: Hi Loopee, you asked to see me?

Loopee: Yes, Gloria was here yesterday and she asked that I speak with you regarding some tensions that have arisen in your area.

646Guy: Does this have to do with answering her phone?

Loopee: In a way. She mentioned the argument you had last week but is now concerned because you're not talking to her.

646Guy: Excuse me?

Loopee: She says that you've been hostile to her since the incident.

646Guy: Wait a minute? She came down here to complain that since we had our argument over her phone that I'm not talking to her?

Loopee: It pretty much boiled down to the fact that she doesn't feel comfortable around you since you seem to treat her rather coldly.

646Guy: Okay, let me ask you something. Am I required by law or any company policy to talk to her for no reason at all?

Loopee: Well, no.

646Guy: So I really and truly can talk to her whenever I want, correct?

Loopee: Yes.

646Guy: So the fact that I've chosen not talk to her is a problem now?

Loopee: Well it's not really a problem as much as it is a concern of hers.

646Guy: Did she tell you that before the incident I barely talked to her as well?

Loopee: No, she didn't.

646Guy: Did she mention that her phone line used to ring on my phone as well? Not just signal that it was ringing on her phone but actually ringing on my phone? Did she mention that whenever she was on the phone that her phone would roll over to my line? Did she tell you that when it all went down that day that Joe sided with me and said that I didn't do anything wrong and she was being petty about it?

Loopee: Well, no, she didn't. She mentioned that she was concerned that she never received her messages though.

646Guy: Loopee, let me ask you this. If you answer the phone for someone and tell them that they are either not at their desk or on the other line and they say they will call back in a few minutes or email them with the info, do you take a message?

Loopee: Well, no. I wouldn't think to do that if they are calling back or emailing.

646Guy: That's what she's talking about.

Loopee: Well that's....

646Guy: Petty?

Loopee: (Confused now) Yeah.

646Guy: (pause)

Loopee: (pause)

646Guy: So what do you want me to do? You've already said I'm not required to talk to her and she's fixed the phone to where I don't even get her calls which was never an issue for me but only for her. Frankly, to be honest, we're wasting our time here.

Loopee: Apparently. Gloria asked that I talk to you and I've done that but I can't see where you've done anything wrong. I guess just try to be more cordial to her.

646Guy: Loopee, you should know that I don't placate anyone. I don't like pretending to feel one way to make other people happy.

Loopee: 646Guy, I have faith in you. You'll figure something out.

(Lights fade out as 646Guy and Loopee shake hands.)

Scene 3

(Back in the office, 646Guy is at his desk. Gloria enters holding freshly Xeroxed pages.)

Gloria: Good morning, 646Guy.

646Guy: Mmmm.

Gloria: Has Loopee called you?

646Guy: Yes and we spoke already this morning.

Gloria: (pause) Okaaaaay.

646Guy: (eyes intent on computer screen)

Gloria: Is everything okay?

646Guy: I'm fine.

Gloria: You didn't get in trouble did you?

646Guy: That is between me and the confines of Loopee's office.

Gloria: (pause)

646Guy: (pause)

Gloria: Okay. (she exits, 646Guy smirks)

Quote of the Day

Good lord, who Jiffy-popped her head? -- Karen Walker, in our continuing coverage of "A Very Special Karen Walker Week of Quotes."

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

I'm an irredeemably eejitous, liberal, tight as fuck, relatively well adjusted human being!
See how compatible you are with me!
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey
From an email I received today....makes me...well....scared....

Oooooohhhh....get this...and I am not kidding you. I saw this wide-eyed young Amish guy last night in the Port Authority, extremely wide-brimmed hat, suspenders and all, and he looked a lot like you. I was scared. They say everyone in the world has a double--can you believe yours is Amish???

Okay....Amish? Mennonite maybe, but Amish?
Continuing with Karen Walker Week...

Quote of the Day

Honey, when I agreed to drive you to the set, you didn't say it was on Staten Island! How the hell am I ever gonna get the stench of landfill and working class families out of tropical lightweight wool? -- Karen Walker, the divine Karen Walker....

Monday, June 16, 2003

Well let's talk about this weekend shall we....

Friday night, I met up with my date from the bachelor auction. Since he may be reading this and I don't want to embarrass him, we'll call him Mr. Texas. Mr. Texas was staying at a nice hotel on the East Side. Now to go into a little bit of detail on Mr. Texas...last time I saw him was at the seder I went to earlier this year. It was the second time I had seen him and I have to admit, I thought he was pretty damn cute and little did I know, he kinda felt the same way. I was kicking myself after the seder beacuse I had done a few shots of tequila and was really tempted to plant a big kiss on him and see where it went but I chickened out at the last second. Either way, we wanted to spend some time getting to know each other better and well...he bought me at the auction. Well not really...he bought me off of the winning bidder from the auction. :) But that's another story.

Friday night was also the night of my rugby team's "end of season" party. As social chair for the team, I organized the event (although I had passed it off to someone else to do some legwork and he never did) at a restaurant where my friend held her wedding party. Good food, nice people, open bar of beer and wine. How can you go wrong? Thankfully Mr. Texas knew most of the people at the party (I did have to introduce him to a few people) and I kinda felt bad about having to leave his side a few times to take care of some small things, but I knew he could take care of himself.

At the awards portion of the evening, I took home two awards. The first was from the club president for my work as social chair and on our bachelor auction. I was kinda surprised to win because when he and I talked earlier that week, he had given me the list of people that he was going to give an award to and I wasn't on the list (which was fine with me since the people he mentioned were more than worthy to receive recognition). The second was a teamwork award for effort to recognize my work in getting in better shape and applying myself on the field to becoming a better player. Again, surprised (and very honored to win). I guess the surprise part of me winning these things comes from being nominated for awards in Drama Club in high school and always losing out on them so I go in with no preconceived notions or hopes about winning something.

The final award was the Order of the Blue Dragon, an award that is voted on by members of the team to recognize someone who has made an outstanding contribution both on and off the pitch. I was a nominee this year but I knew I wasn't going to win based upon the nomination voting earlier so I went in, again, with no preconceived ideas of winning the award so when I lost to the people I expected to win it was no great surprise. In fact, the two that won more than deserve it.

After the dinner, Mr. Texas and I went back to his hotel room. For the record, yes, I stayed in his hotel room that weekend. Infer what you want from that as I tell nothing. Actually, we told no one that I was staying there with him and we are sure that there are many rumors going around about the two of us. I dunno about you, Mr. Texas (should you read this), but I am more than willing to let the rumors fly. :)

Saturday, we were supposed to do this scavenger hunt thing in Central Park but we wound up sleeping way late into the day and opted, instead, to go for a little walk through the city where we got time to talk, get to know each other better, and pretty much just have some friend/fun time. It was so laid back and so nice that I think it really topped the scavenger hunt thing. Of course, had we done that he would have seen my vicious, competitive side come out which wouldn't have been good. It was blazing hot when we got outside and the sun was pretty damn bright which made me glad that I opted to wear shorts. We walked down Second Avenue through the street fair (which was pretty lame if you ask me for a street fair) and debated whether or not to get henna tattoos. We opted against it since it was so humid and probably wouldn't dry properly or well enough to really make a difference. Of course we lucked out that because...

The rain came. And came. And came. And came.

We had walked down Second Avenue and then crossed down 14th Street to Seventh Avenue and then down to Christopher Street. By the time we got to Christopher Street, the heavens had opened and it became monsoon season. In the middle of our walk down, we ran into The Wonder Twinks (remember them) with one of my other teammates (and I've secretly suspected for some time that there has been some menage action between them but I can't verify it). We huddled under an awning trying to stay dry (which didn't work) before we ventured back up Christopher Street.

Now, here'swhere it gets a little interesting. We let the trio of twinks go ahead of us and they crossed over and went into a chocolatier while we continued on. We knew they had to be watching us just a bit because they waved to us as we passed by. So we did what any self respecting "let's cause some rumor" guys would do. We went into The Leatherman, a store infamous for its stock of leather goods on the top floor and it's sex toys on the bottom floor (both of which Mr. Texas and I toured through). Can I just say that some of those dildos could be defined as weapons of mass destruction?

After The Leatherman, there was more rain and we ultimately took up refuge at Magnolia Bakery. Mr. Texas went for the cupcakes, I went for the cookies. We stayed inside the bakery at one of the two tables they had while we watched person after person go by. Of course, during this time, the rain had to stop and we thought it was safe to walk back to the hotel. It was a nice day, why not walk?

Well the rain returned again. By the time we got back to the hotel, I was drenched. I stank. I wanted to be out of my clothes. I pretty much stripped down to my boxers and took a short nap on the couch waking up in just enough time to take a shower. According to Mr. Texas I must have been having a sex dream since I was moaning, grunting, and moving my feet. I wish I knew that to be the case as I don't remember what I was dreaming about. We went to see I Am My Own Wife at Playwrights Horizons (excellent show, go see it) and then had a burger at McHale's because he had to be indoctrinated into the cult of the best burger in all of NYC. Finally, we headed back to the hotel running into another rugger and his date along the way. We had our picture taken in Times Square and I need to see if I can get a copy of that pic too.

When all was said and done, Mr. Texas headed to the airport about 1:30 on Sunday after a quick brunch. We caught up with each other later that night online and agreed that we had a lot of fun and the time spent was well worth it. And you know was.
Before you click here make sure you are properly medicated and have had at least a few stiff drinks. Then, make sure you have a pair of replacement eyeballs on standby because this image will be burned into your brain for quite some time....
It's Karen Walker Week in our Quote of the Day, dedicated to the wild, wacky, and somewhat bizarre comments of everyone's favorite pill popping, vodka swilling socialite, WIll & Grace's Karen Walker...

Quote of the Day

Good Lord. I can't believe I'm at a public pool. Why doesn't somebody just pee directly on me? -- Karen Walker

Friday, June 13, 2003

I have got to learn to read better. When I first saw this article I read it as: "Florida woman sentenced for possessing boobs."

I thought to myself, "Well what's wrong about that."

Reminds me of the time where I read the sign outside one of those homey Mom and Pop Southern restaurants as "Free Pot" when it actuality it was "Free Pot Pies."

Then there was the time I misread one of those news images. You know what I'm talking about....those squares that are off to the side of the newscaster's head that tell you what the news story they are discussing is about...anyway, the news was on and I swear it said, "Russian Mimes Explode." Of course the images of white faced people in black overalls and striped shirts spontaneously combusting was funny at first but then I realized it was "Russian MINES Explode."

It's a pattern I think....
Okay here's something I've always wondered about -- is it wrong for a man to have panty lines. There is a reason for me asking (of course)....

There's a guy here at my office who is wearing pants that are just a wee bit too tight across the bottom and when he walks you can see his panty lines (VPL). Even worse (or better depending upon who you are) they appear to be bikini briefs (sound familiar Dee?). I mean he's a very attractive man (not my type but attractive) but I have to it okay for a man to have visible panty lines and if so under what circumstances? If he is wearing boxer briefs and has VPL is that okay but wearing bikini briefs isn't? Are there separate rules for different types of underwear? I know it's odd but I am now deeply concerned that I have VPL and don't even know it...
Quote of the Day

John Waters makes every movie seem more like a party than a business venture, which is what movies are, but keep it under your hat! -- Divine

Thursday, June 12, 2003

Reading Between the Lines...

So I saw this article on Yahoo and I pretty much thought it was a baseless lawsuit (and I still do for that matter) but what really got me was the final line of the article about how it affected her relationship with her boyfriend.

Just to remind you...the woman is 71 and had an injury to the mouth....and she's concerned about how it affected her relationship with her boyfriend.....

Apparently this commercial was all done in one take. However, it took 606 tries to do it. I don't know how true those stats are but I gotta say that I was pretty damn impressed....
Quote of the Day

A reported fact states that murders of immediate family members account for nearly 25% of all murders committed. Think about that the next time you yell at your sister for taking too long in the bathroom. -- Unknown

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

So...I was at dinner last night in SoHo with a few guys from the rugby team when the oddest (and hottest -- in more than one way) thing happened.

The building caught on fire.

Now it was odd because how rare is it that you're actually in a building that is on fire and feel compelled to stay inside because it's raining fiery, smoking embers down to the ground. On the other hand, some of the firemen were way too yummy for words which made the experience all that much...well....hotter. Of course, we were cracking ourselves up at the one firefighter who had a cigarette in his mouth and seemed to be posing for their upcoming calendar.

The fire, they believe, was deliberately set on fire because the space it was in on the roof wasn't in an area they believed could have spontaeously burst into flames. Well...something else was ready to burst and it was thanks to some of those hunky men in the red suspenders and tight t-shirts!
Quote of the Day

Even if I get past all my problems, I'm just going to go out and get new ones. -- Ally McBeal (aka Calista Flockhart -- hey whatever happened to her?)

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

You know someone with a theatrical bent is reading your blog when you find a google search term for "Daniel Sunjata penis" winding up in your site stats. For the record, Mr. Sunjata has nothing to be worried about in the penis department.

I will tell this story from the Tony ball of Mr. Sunjata. I was sitting at the table having dinner (Stanley Tucci and Edie Falco didn't show up to the party so I ate one of their dinners...for the sake of argument it was Stanley Tucci's) when Daniel Sunjata made an appearance near my table. Technically he was standing near his table which was right next to mine but that's beside the point. Anyway, I said, "You were wonderful in your show!" to which he thanked me. Then I professed that there was only one problem with it...

"Okay, what's that?" he asked.

"The first time there was a penis on stage, everyone around me gasped. Come on, there's a sign outside that says there's nudity in the show. The next time there was a penis on stage they gasped again. My god, it's like these people had never seen a penis before. I wanted to scream, 'Stop being so Midwestern!'"

Mr. Sunjata laughed at this and said, "We're all naked under our clothes," giving me just a hint of the character he played on stage.

We talked for a bit more about the show (Take Me Out -- which is marvelous by the way) and I hope it does gangbusters at the box office now.
Quote of the Day

We have to be despised by somebody whom we regard as above us or we are not happy; we have to have somebody to worship and envy or we cannot be content. In America we manifest this in all the ancient and customary ways. In public we scoff at titles and hereditary privilege but privately we hanker after them, and when we get a chance we buy them for cash and a daughter. -- Mark Twain

Monday, June 09, 2003

I know you all want to know about my night at the Tony Awards with Miss Soul Train/Fly Girl Choreographer Rosie Perez but I'm too freakin' tired (went to bed at 3:30 AM) to really remember everything. So here's a little quick quiz for you...comment below with your answer...

How did Rosie Perez pronounce my name last night (phonetic transcription provided as needed)?

A) Brian (bri-ANN)
B) Brian (BRI-yan)
C) Brian (BRI-uhn)
D) Mookie
Quote of the Day

I have never ever been more proud to be a member of this community. Men kissing each other on stage, drag queens, children -- it's a perfect world. As it should be. -- Tony winner Michelle Pawk upon acceptance of her Tony Award.

Friday, June 06, 2003

I got into an argument at work today with a coworker (yes, THAT coworker I frequently refer to as she is a freak) about the most asinine thing that I have EVER gotten into an argument about....

Answering the phone.

First, let me explain how the phones are currently set up and then you can tell me whether or not you don't understand (and if you don't understand it means that you are of the same mold as my coworker and you must die). My coworker...oh for the hell of it we'll call her Gloria....Gloria has one main line, I have one main line. If Gloria is on the phone, her line rolls over to my phone line. If I am on the phone, my line rolls over to her phone line. Should both of us be on the phone, there is a third phone line that we share as well to which it rolls over.

Does anyone not grasp this point? Tell me now so I can arrange to have you shot...

Anyway, as I cover for Freak Girl Gloria, I occasionally answer her phone when it rolls over to my line and pass along the message WHEN THERE IS ONE (please remember that fact as it will come back to haunt you later). The only occasion I *EVER* have to answer her direct line is when it's a call from another department (I can see the number and know who it is) or if it is a call that has rolled over from my line to her line. THE ONLY INSTANCES.

Today, a call came in on her line and it was, for the sake of the argument, Paul from the department that we both do work with. Her phone rings THREE TIMES so I pick it up and take the request to go in and release the money that has been sent and everything is fine right?

NO. Gloria gets up and goes to my boss (not hers anymore, but mine) and complains about me constantly answering her phone and not taking messages. The boss is flabbergasted that she's bringing something as petty as this to his attention and then I get into the fray. She goes on to comment about how someone called her today and I didn't pass along the message to her. Well, when she said she would call you back in five minutes, there's no need for me to pass along a message. That's how that normally goes...if there's a message I take it...if there's no message THEN THERE IS NO MESSAGE! I CAN'T TAKE A FUCKING MESSAGE WHEN THERE ISN'T A FUCKING MESSAGE! Why should I let the phone on my desk ring four times when the call isn't for me (and it does ring on EVERY call that is for her).

This goes on for quite some time with me finally saying that I would never answer her phone again so she can make sure to get all of her calls and she can't complain that I never gave her messages. I have to say this about five times because she's a fucking moron who still doesn't understand how the phone lines work. Hell, she can't even send items to the printer without having to call the help desk. Mind you, she's the only one with these problems -- no one else has them. Finally, my boss tells me to call the help desk and have them redo the phones. I told him no. I'm not the one with the problem so I'm not going to do anything about it. Ultimately, we're going to have to share a line (which I won't answer if it's for her) because heaven forbid that I accidentally take a call for her and they decide not to leave a message and then she gets in an uproar because it was her best friend from the third grade that she took a blood oath with who is getting back in contact with her after 200 years of being away in the Alps making lederhosen for underprivileged albino pygmy aborigines living in Guatemala!

So..ultimately, we're now the butt of every phone joke today (and for the next few weeks). I haven't said a word to her since then. Don't plan on doing it for a long time.

She can fuck off and die for all I care.
Rumors are now coming out that Reichen and Chip from Amazing Race 4 have split since the show finished taping back in February. Considering how vile, evil (interesting to note that "vile" and "evil" are spelled with the same four letters), and mean they were in the last episode, then I think that's all for the best. I remember Reichen getting especially pissy before the race ever began and I knew that he and I were gonna butt heads....
I was having drinks after work last night with Ursula and we were having fun going over the gossip list she linked to in her blog. First and foremost, you have to love having a conversation with someone where you can go (with more than a few stops in between) from River Phoenix's drug overdose to the episode of The Golden Girls where Rose talks about greeting the first black residents of St. Olaf in their traditional torch burning welcoming ceremony complete with costumes made from white sheets.

But I digress...

Anyway...we wondered what OUR A-list gossip line would be on this website and I really had to sit down and think...

the 646 Guy, Brian -- FOD (Friend of Dorothy for those not initiated), known to eat red meat on occasion and dance to selections from Chicago when drunk, comes off like a cheap whore but we all know he's not cheap. Can be linked one really. Would like to be linked to Ben Affleck, Vin Diesel, or Hugh Jackman. Has a penchant for chewing pens.

Now...I know someone out there can do better than send them in...what would be my A-List gossip line.....
Quote of the Day

What drives me nuts is the person two offices down who calls rather than emailing or, you know, just walking down. Granted, I've distributed hardware about my office such that sitting down requires moving things, and the door doesn't always open all the way, and if you're standing in the doorway actually seeing me can be difficult *unless* the door's open all the way, but honest, this isn't on purpose. -- Mike Patterson

Thursday, June 05, 2003

Mr. Popper emailed to chastise me for posting his email request on my blog thinking that it was a "personal matter that would stay between the two of us."

Well, when I don't know where to go for that info, I turn to my readership, Mr. Popper.

To top it all off, he still wants to know where he can get them... :)
I got this link from Ursula and I can't believe she didn't reference the best one on there....

Stephen Baldwin -- "So enamored of himself he probably masturbates while holding up his own facial shot."
Quote of the Day

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. -- M. Kathleen Casey

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

So I saw Take Me Out last night (with the delightful Ms. Edie Singleton) and all I have to say is can there be more nudity (not to mention well hung men) in this show? I mean one guy (whose name escapes me now) not only had a pretty impressive endowment but it looked like he was excited to be out there flaunting it too...Edie commented that she didn't think he was hard but I assured her that when they are that big and massive, they don't stand up straight as they are a bit too heavy.

I, however, fell gaga in lust for Gene Gabriel. Tall, beefy, hunky...put me on my knees and make me worship....the ground you walk on (what did you think I was going to say?)...of course if I ever did date him I would only be able to picture him naked and it would be an accurate picture too for that matter.

What really cracked me up was that when the guys were in the shower, they would pretty much just wash their crotch and groin area. If anyone else has seen this show, please let me know if they did wash anything else because I know there were a few chest swipes but for the most part it was a lot of crotch groping on stage.

The show, however, belonged to Denis O'Hare who played the business manager -- the gay man who had never watched baseball before but became addicted to it...if they ever make that into a movie (or do the show anywhere else) I want to do that's a delicious part full of insight, warmth, and humor. I really hope he wins the Tony because I liked his performance much better of Daniel Sunjata who played the gay player. Shockingly, Neal Huff, who serves as the narrator for the story, wasn't nominated and he did a nice job.

Anyway...Gene Gabriel...gotta lust over him....
Quote of the Day

Nogo togo pogo gogo. -- A line from the fabulous play Take Me Out playing at the Walter Kerr Theater.

Tuesday, June 03, 2003


To: All tourists visiting NYC

From: Me

Subject: Conduct unbecoming of a tourist

Dear gentle tourists,

It has come to my attention that you are all morons or somehow have had your brains/common sense/whatever sucked out of your heads the second you come to the Big Apple. Therefore, I've come up with a list of things that you should not do should you want to survive in this town.

Do not complain when I do not know exact turn by turn directions to your location. Telling me that you want to go to to Kishi's for lunch because your friend Betty Jean Sue Ann Molly Jo from Bumfuck, Arkansas, went there when she was in town because someone on the street recommended it to her does not mean that EVERYONE in NYC knows where that is or, for that matter cares. This is what your hotel concierge is for. He/She is supposed to give a shit. I, thankfully, am not obligated to have that same responsibility.

Do not assume that I am in the mood to talk to you or even help you. Yes, I'm talking about you, Miss Idaho, who thought that coming up to me at 7:30 in the morning before I had my morning cup of coffee to ask me when the TKTS booth opens after reading the entire sign and somehow missing that section. I will treat everyone else like I treated you. I will turn, look you in the eye, and say, "I'm sorry, I don't speak English."

Do not bitch and moan about not knowing that if you want to get off South Ferry stop you have to be in the first five cars of the #1 train. There are multiple signs posted and they make that announcement several times. Flinging yourself against the door or trying to pry them apart with your hands not only will not work, but will cause the entire car to laugh at you and not with you. Pay attention for once.

Do not get offended when you hear the word "fuck." It is a multi-purpose word and is used quite frequently, you fuckers. If you don't get a fuck about it then there's nothing I can fucking do about it is there. I guess I'm just fucked over then. Fuck, fuck, fuckety, fuck, fuck. It's a word. Get over and don't try to tell me that it's not polite to talk that where you "come from." You aren't where you "come from" -- you're in New York Fucking City. Did you expect it to be the Emerald City?

Do not treat the subway as if it is a roller coaster ride (albeit a cheap one). That's what taxis are for. It's highly amusing to watch you cling for your life to the bars as if it is the safety bar that comes down on top of you on said ride. This is how I get around the city and hearing you go, "Oh dear God when will this thing stop?" is only proof that 1) you never should have gotten on it in the first place and 2) you're someone I could easily rob should the lights go out on the train.

Do not talk during a Broadway show. You are not in your living rooms. If your living room can fit 1,500 people in then fine you can talk about the show all you want as it's going on. Otherwise -- SHUT UP! I didn't pay my money to hear you comment on how you think you saw the third chorine from the left in an episode of Law & Order nine years ago when she played a prostitute for thirty seconds. I also didn't pay money to hear you sing through the entire show or have you compare people in the bus and truck company that came through your town with the show you're seeing now.

Do not complain about the cost of things in NYC. You didn't do your research ahead of time and now you're screwed. I live here and I knew where to go for the best deals on everything before I moved here. Cry me a fuckin' river. If you want to know where the hip people go (and therefore don't want to the pay cost of going to such places) then read Gawker and know what the story is before you even arrive.

I'm sure I could go on, gentle tourist. However, the best thing I can tell you is...have fun dammit! Don't look like you're scared to death to be here. You all look so miserable.

Maybe it's because you've finally realized how great NYC is and you wish you could be here all the time.
Okay...I got this odd email from someone in Alabama who found my blog and is coming to NYC (or so they claim) and he wants to know when he's in town where he can purchase "Jungle Juice" or "Taiwan Blue" poppers...(sorry to embarrass you like this but I must for a thankful I am not using your name)....

I have no idea whatsoever of where to acquire such items in NYC and why would they think to ask me this? This isn't even the first time I've gotten asked such odd questions (chocolate penis candies come to mind). Am I suddenly the gay sherpa of NYC?
I did my first kickboxing class last night.

I want to die. I want to do it again.

Let me give you an overview of what it was like...first you jog for about three to five minutes -- high knees very important. Then you do 300 jumping jacks. I am not kidding here. You do 300 of them. We counted that's how I know. Now the rest is a bit of a blur but I'll see what I can remember. There's the requisite pushups (about 50 - 100 of those), then the really odd leg things where you are in push up position and you kinda run in place...hard to describe...Then it was crunch time. Imagine being on your back, your head off the mat, your legs up about six to eight inches off the floor and you have to hold the position. And then you have to bring one leg in and pretty much bicycle/piston pump them out...and then actual real crunches...Your legs are're trying to catch your breath....your body is screaming, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO ME?"

And this is just the warm up.

That's right...a "warm up."

Then you get out the bags and one person holds them while the other knees the shit out of you. You have fifteen seconds to knee the bag before you swap off with the other guy. You put your hands behind their neck and just shove that knee in as hard as you can. I was initially with this very small woman but we swapped off so she could be with someone a little more height appropriate as she was much shorter than me and I was paired up with this muscular black man who proceeded to maul me to death. I definitely gave as good as I got that's for sure. At the end of this one was a thirty second run where you did four knees, turned them around, kneed some more, turned them around and over and over until you heard the bell to sound the swap off.

After the knees came kicks where you did a round of kicks on one leg and then another set on the other before trading off. This was followed up by power kicks where you just tried to kick your partner as hard as you could and drive them back. Your legs are already tired to begin with (at least mine were) but you can't really let down. I just tried to keep the intensity going but damn with the constant switching back and forth you never really had a time to catch a breath.

After the kicks were done (and your body is still wondering why you're doing this), you put on the gloves for some punching. First you start off with simple 1-2 punches which aren't that bad. The guy I was working with was really nice and kept reminding me to keep my hands up for defense reasons. He was a good partner to have for the first session. After a few rounds of 1-2, you then do a round where you do 1-2, 1-2, was relentless. The worst part for me was the fact that I was tiring out and couldn't keep the bag up high enough and had it positioned way too low to where he was practically punching my bladder and crotch.

Punching then turned into more ab work where you had to do the same position with your head up and legs up but this time you had to also lift your arms up off the ground. I couldn't do it and had to just settle for having my legs up and supporting them with my hands. But it's not over yet...the final thing was shin to thigh kicks. Doing the kicks -- not a problem. Receiving the kicks -- OUCH! Turns out I was holding the bag too low and not having enough padding where he was hitting me to protect me from injury.

After it was all over though, we got this great pep talk from the professor (as they are called) about it being a good class but when it gets hotter outside (and this place really isn't air conditioned) it will be even better. All I kept thinking was...this place must be a sauna in the summer. After he was done, you went down the line and gave the greeting that sounded like "Ooos" or something like that and shook hands with everyone in the class. I went up to the professor and thanked him for the intense workout and thanked Luke for the opportunity to take the class.

For the rest of the night I was totally wiped. I went to the chorus practice to help out and then to drinks at The Monster afterwards which I shouldn't have done since I was so pooped but the night out was much needed. Especially seeing one guy demonstrate his tongue technique for me...He should be glad I left when I did...he was about to get molested... :)
Quote of the Day

Laziness will cause you pain. -- quote of the back of the t-shirts worn by instructors and students at Vee Arnis Jitsu where I took my first kickboxing class last night.

Monday, June 02, 2003

Okay you starfuckers....looks like Melanie Griffith won't be happening and after what the guy who arranges all of this has told me, she's so high maintenance that I would spend have my time chasing after her, making sure she knew where Antonio was, and pretty much so horrible she may need two escorts just to make sure she's happy at all times....

Bring on Rosie Perez!
3S (Sarcastic, Slanted, Stupid) Commentary

Well George Bush's daughters have been exposed in the press by a young Hollywood celebrity, for partying pretty hard . The young Hollywood celebrity, Ashton Kutcher, who is famous for filming practical jokes, may be suffering from the backlash of his disclosure about the Bush daughters. Kutcher has not been heard from since the disclosure and one can only speculate on what has happened. Some think that he has been detained by the Secret Service for questioning, and has been subjected to specific questioning:

Secret Service: So you brought the President's daughters back to your house to party and now you are exposing them in the press.
Ashton Kutcher: They wanted to party with me. They wanted to see what the other side was like and not just be exposed to all the goodness from the Religious Right.
SS: Well son, you have got yourself in a lot of trouble and we need to get some answers. If you do not cooperate, we will make you listen to a Pentagon briefing by Donald Rumsfeld and then you will be questioned by him.
AK: Oh, no anything but that, what do you want to know.
SS: While the Bush daughters were under the influence in your house, what were they subjected to?
AK: They got really wasted and then I tried to put on some Pink Floyd, but they wanted to hear Barbra Streisand.
SS: That's not possible!
AK: I thought the same thing but they really wanted to get back at their father, and specifically asked for a live performance from some democratic fund raiser so that they could listen to Barbra's anti Bush speeches.
SS: Then what happened?
AK: Well then they asked for something bizarre. They wanted to get Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins and Michael Moore to come over to show them how to protest and flash Peace Signs. The Bush daughters thought that would be helpful when their father would try to restrict them from going out and getting drunk.
SS: They know they cannot be around this type of influence, they are really trying to strike back at their father. What did you do then?
AK: Well being the good proud American, and not part of the Hollywood conspiracy, I knew it would be really crossing the line if the Bush Daughters hung out with Sarandon, Robbins and Moore and started screaming at their father using logic that did not make sense. I just know that was wrong.
SS: Well son you showed some good judgment on that, and we will take that into consideration for your detainment. Are there any other things that we need to know.
AK: Well the Bush Daughter's kept talking about a double standard for them and were complaining that Chelsea Clinton did not take advantage of her father's coolness. The Bush daughter's were bitter that they could not smoke, drink and party because their father is George Bush and had Former President Clinton been their father, there would never be this type of problem. They just kept saying how bad it is to be born a Republican and having to adhere to higher moral standards.
SS: Life is so unfair for these two girls. If their father does not get re-elected next year, I hope you will not encourage them to be on any of your shows. I am not sure America is ready for "A Democrat in the hand is better than Two in the Bush."
I was watching TV last night, not really feeling 100%, and fighting off a mild fever that had plagued me for most of the day and I saw a commercial that made me harken back to the days of childhood bliss back in Clemmons, North Carolina. (Now, I know most of you are going, "But Brian, what's all this talk of North Carolina? I thought you were from Florida?" Before I moved to Florida, I lived in North Carolina so there.) Anyway...there I was flipping through the channels when the commercial came on and I just had to smile.

It was the Miss Universe Pageant.

Growing up, there were very few things on TV that my parents would let my sister or myself stay up to watch past our bedtime of 8pm (later extended to 9pm when we got older and then later to whenever the hell we actually went to bed). There was the occasional holiday cartoon but whenever the Miss USA and Miss Universe Pageants hit the screen, all bets were off. Of course we had to promise to get up early without complaining and the whole usual laundry list of promises that came with it just for the opportunity of being able to say that we saw Miss USA lose the crown yet again. Now, I know that two Miss USAs have since won the crown but I wasn't watching the pageants those years so I guess, for me, I've never seen a Miss USA crowned Miss Universe.

The tradition went something like this -- I would assume my place on the floor while my dad would be in his recliner. Mom would be on the couch with her pen in hand to write down the scores (and would join me to become an impromptu accounting firm when it came time to tally them) and my sister would be somewhere...who really knows where she was... This was also back in the day when they had that huge travel commercial for wherever they were hosting the pageant that year where the women would pose in their bikinis while their composite scores flashed beneath them. Of course, by the time they got done with that, my mother and I had already put together the top ten contestants so it really wasn't that much of a surprise for us when we went ten for ten.

My sister and I would inevitably pick the contestants that would never win or make the cut to the semifinals while my parents had it figured out the system from many years of pageant viewing and knew crap from gold. My sister and I didn't care. We just liked the pretty dresses and watching the women walk down the stairs to strike their first pose on top of a grand piano and then be escorted down for their final pose and their score. I remember when Miss Zaire made it to the final five and I was really pulling for her but she didn't win. And then there was the year my sister and I were rooting for Miss Guam just because we liked the name of her country. We loved how they would squeeze the women into the really small isolation booth and then the guy would sing them a long ballad as each woman got a little bit more camera time as the final scores are being tabulated and at this point my sister and I would bet my dad a quarter that our pick would win and invariably, we would never pick the right woman and we'd lose the quarter bet we'd make with our father who really had a knack for picking the sister and I would boo, my dad would grin, and we'd have to pay up. Of course I was always under the misguided notion that Miss Universe had to sit on the throne for the entire year and had no idea what Miss Universe really did besides look pretty. I know there's lots of talk now about how Miss Universe must use her title to raise awareness for AIDS around the world but back then what did Miss Universe really do besides look pretty and try on swimsuits?

And then the cycle would start all over again next year....
Quote of the Day

A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancee free. -- Unknown.