Thursday, November 29, 2007

Time Somebody Told Me

With many thanks to Georgia...I know you put this into a comment but it was too moving to not put into a full post on its own...

Time somebody told me
That I am lovely, good and real
That my beauty could make hearts stand still.
It's time somebody told me
That my love is so complete
That my mind is quick and full of wit
That my loving is just too good to quit.
Time somebody told me.
Time somebody told me
How much they want love and need me
How much my spirit helps set them free
How my eyes shine full of the white light
How good it feels just to hold me tight.
Time somebody told me
So I had a talk with myself
Just me -- nobody else
Cause it was time somebody told me.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Oh Those Wacky YouTube Questions

This guy is just wacky! Gotta love some of those crazy Republicans.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Celebrate This, Bitch...

The most INANE commercial ever...and for some reason it is permanently embedded in my head.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Work, Work, Work... much to do today. Take 2 days off from work and it all seems to pile up...

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Be Careful Who You Text...

Okay I debated telling this story but it's kinda funny and kinda sad all at the same time that I can't NOT share it.

Here I am in Seattle for this event and the guy who invited me and set me up with a free hotel room and everything is someone who exhibited at one of my events earlier this year. Let's just say I was a bit taken with him. He's devilishly handsome and has killer blue eyes. However, he is a client so I can't really DO anything about it. I guess to me that would be unethical.

So, today is the lsat day that I'm in Seattle and I head out to brunch with him and a few friends of his. Now he had been texting back and forth with someone and I made the joke that he was texting his friend sitting next to him. Well, I shoot him a text message joking with him about it and thus begins the most interesting conversation.

After he and I part ways and I head over to the gay sports bar to watch the Seahawks game with his friend, I get a text message that says, "Would still like to cuddle again sometime." Now this cracks me up because I'm like, "Again?" when was the first time. So I respond back with a comment about how I still have my hotel room. Ultimately I do ask if he's texting the right person and if the messages were meant for me and I get a confirmation message that they are.

Well, let's just say you couldn't wipe the grin off of my face even if you used an SOS scouring pad. So... being the ballsy person that I was, I texted back with " what do we do about it?" Now at this point, I'm already heading back to the hotel and wondeng what I *am* going to do about it.

Then the phone rings.

Yep...he was texting the wrong person and he was quite embarrassed. Well to be honest, so was I since I was pretty much up for it as well. I mean I kinda thought there might have been a mutual attraction given some of the looks I got and such the night before but I'm trying to do my best to not read into situations with people I have a crush on. Anyway...I played it off that I was just going along for the ride and if he wanted to come up and cuddle trhen sure...why the hell not???

However, honestly, I was a little disappointed. Would it have been nice? Absolutely. Then again, I wouldn't be able to let it go very far since I don't do the long distance thing and, let's face it this would be about as long distance as you can get. On the plus side though, Seattle men are pretty freakin' friendly.



I'm sitting in my hotel room right now and it kinda hit me...

I could somewhat see myself living here.

Of course I would have to get a car. Or a Vespa.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Reaching Out

First and foremost, to those of you that have emailed or commented your words of support, they are appreciated. Many of you have started off by saying that you know what I was saying wasn't meant to elicit guilt or sympathy but you felt compelled to offer it anyway. For that, I thank you.

The one question that I have heard a few times is why I haven't reached out sooner or more overtly or, as one person said, at all.

Good question. I don't really have a good answer to go with it.

Part of me wants to think that I am emotionally stronger than I really am. I try not to show how vulnerable I am or the low self esteem I have been hiding. When people hurl ugly, vicious, spiteful words at me, I do my best not to flinch, to not let on that their words stung or, in some cases, wounded me to the quick.

Part of me wants to think that I can do so many things on my own that I don't need the help or support of my friends and colleagues. I try to do too much and take on too much that I don't recognize when that burden is finally taking its toll on me until it's too late.

In a way, this is me reaching out. It's baby steps but it's what I have to work with.

Growing up, I remember a song that I heard sung in a concert at my church. I don't remember much of the song but I do remember one line rather vividly -- "I'm a masterpiece in progress."

That's what I'm going to start referring to myself as now. It's seems more apt and more positive.

Monday, November 12, 2007

The Me Nobody Knows, Part 2

I'm a bit proud of myself. I went the whole weekend without pulling down my previous post. In a way it's a bit liberating to put yourself out there and show yourself, warts and all, to the masses.

Okay, so maybe I hid a few warts.

I also know that the catalyst for change must come from within me. This is just the start and I know that I have a long journey ahead of me.

Friday, November 09, 2007

The Me Nobody Knows

In 1970, there was a Broadway musical called The Me Nobody Knows which was based on an anthology of New York City student writings. Their stories were explicit in detail as to what their lives were like and how the felt about their neighborhoods, family, school, and more.

For reasons that will become apparent, the title has always resonated with me. I debated a lot about writing this post and promised myself that no matter what I wouldn't pull it down. This isn't written to elicit sympathy, empathy, or guilt from friends and/or anonymous readers. This is written for me. Because I have to tell everyone about the me that nobody knows.

For many of you that know me, this post will come as a shock because you think you know me... and well at that. The truth is you don't know me at all.

And it's not your fault. I need to make that perfectly clear. It's not your fault at all. It all lies with me.

The truth about me is this... well it's a lot of things but let's start with the big one.

I am probably more lonely than I will ever publicly admit... even here and in this post which, admittedly, will be rather raw in its content. Part of this loneliness can be attributed to my job which consumes a large part of my time (and more on this later). Part of it can be attributed to many friends being so spread out. Part of it can be attributed to the fact that I have very few close friends who live in NYC even though I have been here for almost 10 years... a fact that even I am surprised to learn. Even though I have a large circle of acquaintances (for lack of a better word) and have been members of many organizations (social, recreational, and otherwise), the truth is that my phone rarely rings to the point where I only really keep it in case there is a family emergency and I need to reach them or vice versa. There are days when I question whether or not I should even keep the phone because it never seems to get any use.

And then there are days when I question if anyone would really miss me if I did give up my phone.

Total self admission -- I know that I'm not the first person people think of when they are making up a party invite list. My social calendar is painfully empty to the point where going to see a movie or a show on my own isn't a problem or awkward for me. I've faked "dinner with friends" more times than I care to count. I often make up things I did over the weekend rather than say I sat at home alone.

And yes, I totally admit that a large part of this is my own creation. I am more than capable of going out to a bar, meeting new people, or someone and make new friends. But, I am totally not a bar person and, quite frankly, no one in a bar seems to want to talk to me.

With that, let's hit the next big thing... relationships, and the lack thereof. I am probably more socially awkward than I let on. Part of that comes from a severe fear of rejection. I have asked out more people than I can count and been turn down over and over and over. The reason I have not pursued some romantic desires is because of that fear of rejection. There are probably lots of people who have no clue that I had feelings for them, wanted to see if there was a spark there, or anything. Some people have found out because people got tired of me pining away and not doing anything about it. And even then the feelings weren't reciprocated. I'm the guy you just don't think of "that way."

I have joked that I'm going to just have to get used to being alone and adopt 13 cats to live with me. Sometimes though, it's not a joke. And sometimes, I think I already have gotten used to being alone.

I keep being told what a great guy I am and what a catch I would be, but to be honest, if I am such a great guy then why am I alone? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I have to put myself out there. Well I have. People didn't want me or anything to do with me. Then I'm told, it happens when I'm not looking. Well that's a load of BS because I stopped looking a long time ago.

Oh yeah. There was one guy as of late. I fell for him and fell for him hard. Sadly he was completely unavailable for any sort of a relationship. It was hard for me to accept that I had found what I considered to be the perfect guy only to not be able to "have" him. Even harder is that I still see him on a regular basis as friends (and I know that he may read this and am prepared for his response). While I have accepted that he will be and can only be a friend in my life, there are days when I find it hard to actually see him because the feelings are always there and bubbling under the surface. On those days, I do my damnedest to keep things in check. It's not often, but it happens.

And when it does it reminds me that I'm still alone.

Part of the problem is my job. While it's incredibly demanding and requires a somewhat significant time commitment, I definitely work more than I should. Several years ago, I realized that I was putting more attention onto my job than on myself. I did it because filling that time gave me something to do. It gave me purpose. Someone needed me and it was a job, or a project, or something that I would take on to keep my calendar full and my mind off the fact of how alone I truly am. As long as there is something to fill my time I don't have to worry about the emotional side of me that is not being fulfilled.

And how about this biggie... I have serious issues with my looks and my own self worth. I've never been comfortable with my size, weight, face, and as of late, hair color. I've worked out, lost weight, gained weight, and never everything in between. As a large part of it, I've never fully accepted myself. I've been called every name imaginable even by my own family.

Oh, family. Nice segue. Growing up, my weight was a never ending issue. Between fourth and sixth grade I think I put on forty pounds and was pretty pudgy. My parents would tell me how fat I was, how I would grow up to be so big that my arms wouldn't be able to touch each other, etc etc. Of course, the fact that my mother and father both failed many diets in their lives never came to mind as a defense at the time. The fact that both of them are overweight to this day doesn't say much either. However, of my immediate family, I'm the only one actively exercising. But I still get comments on my weight.

My family doesn't talk or acknowledge that I am gay. My sister is the only one that does and the only reference she has made as of late was that I needed to repent of my "sinful ways." Mind you, for Christmas last year my sister gave me a book about a man who had a near death experience and rather than going to heaven, he went to hell. Nothing says Merry Christmas more than a book to tell you you're going to hell.

But what's hard to deal with as well is that I know that they know I'm gay. I know that it's hard for them to talk about if and when they ever do. But it's hard for me as well. They don't know about live, the failed attmepts to form relationships, or anything. And it's hard for me to share because I know they don't want to know. It's hard to hear your mother make disparaging comments about homosexuality to your face and not respond back. I've finally got a decent relationship with my family and I know at some point I'm going to have to talk to them about it and risk what has taken so long to establish.

At one of my recent expos, a "spiritual medium" gave me a reading where she basically exposed me as the fraud I am. She told me I deserve an Academy Award for the performance I give on a daily basis convincing people that I am more in control of my life than I really am.

And I had no response because I knew she was right.

I'm hoping that by writing this I can break the cycle I find myself repeating over and over. I'm hoping that by publishing this people will understand where I'm coming from and what my life is really like. I'm hoping that by letting everyone know that I'm not who I say I am or who I've pretended to be that I can finally discover who I am because, quite frankly, I have no idea who that is.

So... to a certain extent, this is the me that nobody knows.

Not even me.

I hope you get to meet the real me one day. I hope I get to meet him too.

And I hope that he's as great of a guy as all of my friends seem to think this guy is.

To those that I have deceived, I apologize. Trust me, it hurt me more than it hurt you.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

I Did It.

Four weeks.

Five trade shows.

Pretty much no sleep.

I have no idea how I did it. But I did it.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Barack Obama on Saturday Night Live

Well, let me just say that sometimes SNL gets political humor right and sometimes they get it totally wrong.

Let me just say this video is a case of TOTALLY RIGHT...mind you I haven't decided who I am voting for yet but this did crack me up...

Thursday, November 01, 2007

A Much Needed Compliment

CuteBeefyGuy(12:13:40 AM): a big kiss papo....
CuteBeefyGuy(12:14:02 AM): which just reminded me of the one you gave me on 19th and 10th....LOL
646guy (12:15:17 AM): hehehehehehe
646guy (12:15:28 AM): must have been good if you remember it
CuteBeefyGuy(12:15:44 AM): it was....
646guy (12:15:43 AM): *blush*

For the record, the kiss took place in about 2002...sigh...if he didn't live in Mexico now...