Tuesday, June 03, 2003


To: All tourists visiting NYC

From: Me

Subject: Conduct unbecoming of a tourist

Dear gentle tourists,

It has come to my attention that you are all morons or somehow have had your brains/common sense/whatever sucked out of your heads the second you come to the Big Apple. Therefore, I've come up with a list of things that you should not do should you want to survive in this town.

Do not complain when I do not know exact turn by turn directions to your location. Telling me that you want to go to to Kishi's for lunch because your friend Betty Jean Sue Ann Molly Jo from Bumfuck, Arkansas, went there when she was in town because someone on the street recommended it to her does not mean that EVERYONE in NYC knows where that is or, for that matter cares. This is what your hotel concierge is for. He/She is supposed to give a shit. I, thankfully, am not obligated to have that same responsibility.

Do not assume that I am in the mood to talk to you or even help you. Yes, I'm talking about you, Miss Idaho, who thought that coming up to me at 7:30 in the morning before I had my morning cup of coffee to ask me when the TKTS booth opens after reading the entire sign and somehow missing that section. I will treat everyone else like I treated you. I will turn, look you in the eye, and say, "I'm sorry, I don't speak English."

Do not bitch and moan about not knowing that if you want to get off South Ferry stop you have to be in the first five cars of the #1 train. There are multiple signs posted and they make that announcement several times. Flinging yourself against the door or trying to pry them apart with your hands not only will not work, but will cause the entire car to laugh at you and not with you. Pay attention for once.

Do not get offended when you hear the word "fuck." It is a multi-purpose word and is used quite frequently, you fuckers. If you don't get a fuck about it then there's nothing I can fucking do about it is there. I guess I'm just fucked over then. Fuck, fuck, fuckety, fuck, fuck. It's a word. Get over and don't try to tell me that it's not polite to talk that where you "come from." You aren't where you "come from" -- you're in New York Fucking City. Did you expect it to be the Emerald City?

Do not treat the subway as if it is a roller coaster ride (albeit a cheap one). That's what taxis are for. It's highly amusing to watch you cling for your life to the bars as if it is the safety bar that comes down on top of you on said ride. This is how I get around the city and hearing you go, "Oh dear God when will this thing stop?" is only proof that 1) you never should have gotten on it in the first place and 2) you're someone I could easily rob should the lights go out on the train.

Do not talk during a Broadway show. You are not in your living rooms. If your living room can fit 1,500 people in then fine you can talk about the show all you want as it's going on. Otherwise -- SHUT UP! I didn't pay my money to hear you comment on how you think you saw the third chorine from the left in an episode of Law & Order nine years ago when she played a prostitute for thirty seconds. I also didn't pay money to hear you sing through the entire show or have you compare people in the bus and truck company that came through your town with the show you're seeing now.

Do not complain about the cost of things in NYC. You didn't do your research ahead of time and now you're screwed. I live here and I knew where to go for the best deals on everything before I moved here. Cry me a fuckin' river. If you want to know where the hip people go (and therefore don't want to the pay cost of going to such places) then read Gawker and know what the story is before you even arrive.

I'm sure I could go on, gentle tourist. However, the best thing I can tell you is...have fun dammit! Don't look like you're scared to death to be here. You all look so miserable.

Maybe it's because you've finally realized how great NYC is and you wish you could be here all the time.

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