Monday, July 08, 2002

Tonight went horribly irrecovably wrong.

I met this really nice, funny, cute guy named Danny. I was supposed to meet him tonight in a pizza parlor in the East Village and perhaps go back to his place to talk, get to know each other, and no sex at all. Cuddling, however, was an option. He really does intrigue me quite a bit and I do want to get to know him better and see if something could be there between us. However, this was not to meant to be, primarily due to my own lack of proper judgement for which I am kicking myself right now.

First I'm racing out the door because I really want to meet this guy (okay so i was a little anxious) and I have cell phone in hand and forget to ask for his phone number. This comes to haunt me later. Bad judgement decision #1.

Second, as I am racing to catch my train, one closes its doors as I am climbing the stairs. Must wait for the next train to leave.

Third, we get held at the 59th Street stop by the station master for some unknown reason. I finally give up on waiting after an interminable amount of time and decide to try to hail a cab cursing myself for not having his number. Put in a phone call to a friend who has to go into my AOL account to get his email address and send him a message. It's all I have but it works. Possibly another bad judgement call. Still debateable.

Fourth, I get to the pizza parlor and am either totally blind and missed him sitting in the front of the pizza parlor or am just consumed in my whole panick attack and don't see him at all. I figure that he's already left since it's been so long and I head back out to the street. MAJORLY BAD JUDGEMENT CALL. I have to agree with him on this one...I should have at least waited. I gave into my gut instinct that he must have left already since I was so late.

At this point, I hail another cab to take me back home because I don't want to even think of getting on the subway and am somehow blessed to have a cabdriver that believes that the speed limit in NYC is 250 miles per hour. Part of me wants to cry about what a horrible night it had been (and the time wasted between the two of us) and part of me is going, "Why the heck do you want to cry? You hardly know the guy?"

Well this is why I wanted to cry: I let someone down. Somoene who was expecting me to come through at a critical moment and I failed. Something may be over before it even starts and that alone is reason to pause and reflect for a moment. If I still have a snowball's chance in hell to make amends for what happened tonight then I need to grab onto said snowball and make damn sure it doesn't melt (was that too much of a mixed metaphor?). Even worse, I am heading to Florida in two days and someone that I think is smart, funny, cute, and witty is now mad at me. And I don't like it when people are mad at me. Hell, I don't think that anyone could be madder at me than myself right now. You know what they say about there's only once chance to make a first impression. Well I blew it and I blew it big time.

So, here I am at home, wondering if this guy will ever give me a second chance and wondering, at the same time, if I even deserve one. After all, I wouldn't be surprised if he is more than a little hesitant in attempting to set up another meeting. Additionally, he would be more than justified in his feelings. Additionally, I wouldn't be surprised or hurt if he stood me up as well. Something tells me that I deserve that as well.

I guess what hurts the most is that my love life has been lacking so much for so long that when I finally meet someone who holds my interest and makes me want to know more about them, I screw it up. Heck, I was willing to let everyone here have a crack at my love life and try to set me up with people and I was beginning to think that it just might not be necessary after all. I have no one to blame here by myself and my total lack of proper judgement. That fact alone, coupled with everything else here is what hurts the most. And it really does hurt a lot.

And to that guy out there, if you ever read this, and I hope you do, I don't know what I can do to make amends, but I would like to try. And soon.
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