Things I have told my coworkers in the past few days that have made them stop dead in their tracks and stare at me in unabashed shock

"What makes you think I don't ride a motorcycle?"

"What makes you think I haven't been married?"

"I'm looking at possibly getting two more tattoos to go with the one I already have. But small one's, you know, so I don't look too much like a biker."

"Yeah, but what I don't like is when my leather harness leaves those little indents on my chest and back if I do it too tight."

"I hate having people press up against me when the subway is overcrowded. There's something about being sodomized in public that turns me off."

"Figure skating. Now there's a sport I should try."

"Someone left the cake out in the rain again, Joe."

"If the person who doesn't return my stapler remover to me soon, I will take my letter opener and reenact the final scenes of Oedipus Rex on all of you." (Of course, I had to explain to them that this would entail gouging out their eyes because they didn't know what happened in the final scene of Oedipus Rex.)

"No my knees hurt for other reasons."

"What is this? An office or the retirement home for Star Search rejects?"

"Lesbians do nothing for me. Why should they? I'm a guy and they're into other women."