A few things you need to do in order to enjoy Dance of the Vampires to the fullest...

1) Make sure you have an empty stomach.

2) Go to the Atrium Lounge at the Marriott Marquis and have three martinis. (I suggest the French Martini -- Grey Goose, Chambord, and pineapple juice -- be one of them. This will help dull your senses.

3) Watch the first act thoroughly buzzed and have a nice laugh during the production number dedicated to the joys of garlic. Yes. Garlic. Garlic, garlic. The secret for staying young. Garlic, garlic. That's why we're so well hung. Wish I could say that I was making that line up, but it's in the show.

4) At intermission, have a Vivarin. Combined with your three martinis, it will help you make it through the second act. Especially when you see the smoking crotch and have to listen to the disturbing rewrite of the Bonnie Tyler/Nikki French "Total Eclipse of the Heart."

5) Become dismayed that you can never hear that song again without remembering this show.

6) If by this point you're still enjoying the show then you have survived. Enjoy the nice butt on the romantic male lead during the closing songs. If you're up in the mezzanine as I was it looks really good when he's slithering on the floor.