Okay....this story about masturbation made me crack up and spew water on my computer monitor at work. Sigh...he's getting a link....

Anyway he talks about in another post about how much he hates the small Asian women who seem to push their way to the front of the train car doors so they can get on first. Having been a victim of this myself, I thought I would share my story of a little Asian woman who decided to run through the train doors as they were closing and slam into me. Stop me if you've heard this one before.

This was when I was working on a project at Bear Stearns and living in Astoria. I would take the N train to 59th Street and transfer to a 4/5 express train to Grand Central and walk to work from there. Well one day the trains were running behind and we were holed up at the 59th Street stop while trains in front of us went through GCS, etc etc. I was talking with this very nice (and quite large) black woman about the trains and how you never seem to get where you need to be on time when you're in a hurry, etc etc when the bell sounded announcing that the doors were about to close.

At this precise moment of the door closing, this small Asian woman decides to go through the closing doors as hard as she can and slam right into me. She didn't offer an apology or anything. I was almost thrown into the nice black woman I was talking to before because I wasn't prepared to get tackled on the train. This set the black woman off. The following exchange ensued.

Black woman: "Excuse me. You should apologize to him."

Asian woman: No response. Shocked look on her face.

Black woman: "Yes. I'm talking to you. I've seen you on this train for at least the last six years and you keep pulling the same shit of running into the train at the last possible second and knocking people over."

Asian woman: No reponse. Still shocked look.

Black woman: "Don't try that no-speak-a English thing on me. I know you speak English very well because I've seen it. You should apologize."

Asian woman: Still shocked.

Mind you now, she's not being quiet in her argument with this Asian woman. Everyone in my car is staring at us and I'm kinda going, "Oh shit, someone is going to pull a blade and I'm going to die." Now, the train has not moved and the train doors are still opening and closing because of the freaks who are holding the doors open. So when the doors opened one last time, the black woman turned and pushed the Asian woman out of the car to the cheers, applause, and laughter, of the train car.

My response consisted of me turning to her, jaw on the subway car floor, and saying, "You're my new hero."

Sigh...I love that moment of my life.