I've come to a very hard decision this week. I am not going to be seeing my family over the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. For some people this might not seem like a big deal but for me it is.

I may bitch and moan and gripe about my family but I do love them dearly. I've always been able to spend Christmas with them every year while Thanksgiving has always been one of those holidays where if I get to see my family it's great and if not...well, that's okay. I've missed a few Thanksgivings with my family in the past but I have never missed a Christmas. Never. So, for the first time ever, I will not be spending that day with my family and I'm not really sure how I feel about that.

If my psycho grandmother comes (yes, the one I bitched out ON Christmas Day two years ago and for those of you that said that you should never bitch out your elders, trust me, this one was a long time coming and she deserved it and it shut her up...you know that commercial where the girls says, "I'm getting paid to do this Apple commercial and I saved Christmas!", well that was me because it put my grandmother in her place and therefore saved what was left of Christmas)...ANYWAY...if the psycho grandmother comes then it's good because I have a very low tolerance for her treatment of my parents (especially my mother whom I've come to realize she really doesn't like) as a guest in their house and how she has treated my sister and myself. For the record, this is the woman who complains that it's too cold in my parents house when it's 72 degrees, doesn't put on a sweater or a jacket or pull a blanket over her, and acts like a martyr. On Christmas Day, I told her that if she didn't like it I would be more than willing to put her ass on the first plane back to South Carolina where she can sit and stew in her own juices. (I was mean that year). Anyway, on the good side, I won't have to deal with it, but on the bad side, she's not in the best of health and this may be her last Christmas.

Then there's my nephew that I haven't seen since July who is growing up fast and I fear won't really get to know me as an uncle or have much of an impact in his life. My parents, the parents of my brother-in-law, and my brother-in-law's sister all live in Jacksonville. They get to spend copious amounts of time with Rob (my nephew) and to a certain extent I feel somewhat left out of his life no matter how hard I try to keep in contact with my family. Some people have said that if I really feel this way then I should move back to Florida to spend the time with him. That is not an option.

It's rather odd. When I lived in Florida, I did not have a great relationship with either of my parents. However, when I took the job with PricewaterhouseCoopers and moved up here (first to New Jersey and then to NYC proper), I had to prove to them that I could sustain myself on my own without their support. I was 23 years old and taking a job in a new city away from my family who insisted that it was a bad idea because they would not be able to assist me should something happen. My reponse was that maybe it was time for me to step away and make it on my own for once. I don't think my family wanted to hear that but I think I've gained a measure of respect in their eyes for doing so. Additionally, my relationship with my family (especially my parents) is much better now that I live farther away. I know it sounds odd, but it's true. Many friends have stated the same thing as well. Part of me, I guess, is afraid that I won't have the same relationship with my parents if I return to Florida.

Then again, let's face facts. I love living here in NYC and have more opportunites to experience different things than I would in Florida. Once I said I would rather slit my wrists and sit in a hot tub than return to Florida. There's a bit of truth in that statement.

But I've digressed once again.

I'm wondering what to do this year for Christmas as I won't be opening presents or drinking rum-laced eggnog with the family and I'm still not sure how I feel about all of this beyond sad and somewhat excited. Perhaps this will be the kick start I need to make 2003 a much better year than 2002 ever was.

Ho, ho, ho...