"The Godfathers" by Paul Rudnick

"Michael S. Ovitz, once the reigning uber-agent and dealmaker of Hollywood [...] chose to give a blistering and, to many, bewildering interview to Vanity Fair. He said that a 'gay mafia' was largely responsible for engineering his downfall."

MEMO TO: All federal agents.

RE: The F.B.I.'s racketeering division recently infilitrated the nation's alleged Gay Mafia, with operatives working undercover as vicious choreographers, neo-con columnists, and chatty houseboys. These moles have discovered many significant differences between this far-reaching criminal enterprise and its heterosexual counterpart.

1. Gay godfathers usually are godfathers, but they can also be favorite uncles, athletic aunts, and brothers-in-law who do publicity.
2. The Broadway community has been repeatedly terrorized by gay thugs, who will often force the entire cast of a musical comedy to raise their arms at the end of every number.
3. High-ranking members of the Gay Mafia communicate almost exclusively by phone. Code phrases include "Stop it," "So when I ran into him I was very so-fine-we-had-sex-so-what-I-still-hate-you," and "Oh, she's one to talk."
4. Gay hit men have been known to slaughter a rival simply by entering his apartment, glancing around, and commenting, "Oh, I love that, you're still doing Mission."
5. A gay crime boss will often terrorize a capo by leaving the severed head of his cleaning woman in his bed.
6. There is definitely a female Gay Mafia, and they all sided with Ellen.
7. The Gay Mafia's links to the Catholic Church are extensive, and most often begin with the phrase, "Jimmy, did you know that the Apostles liked to wrestle?"
8. There is an unbreakable Gay Mafia code of silence, but it lasts only until a member's best friend answers the page.
9. A person becomes a "made man" in the Gay Mafia only when he orders unneccessary T-shirts just so Abercrombie and Fitch will keep him on its mailing list.
10. The Gay Mafia has its origins in ancient Greece, when Don Plato first remarked to a group of graceful youths, "I am so over Carthage."
11. The Gay Mafia has been known to threaten highly placed figures in the fashion industry by refusing to purchase anything from their home collections.
12. Even the most powerful gay dons do not dare to challenge Michael Feinstein.
13. The Gay Mafia is rumored to have important ties to Nancy Sinatra.
14. The Gay Mafia is assumed to have connections with dockworke! rs and longshoremen, because they're just so damn hot.
15. The Gay Mafia dons are also calls rons and davids.
16. The Gay Mafia has been linked to prostitution, drugs, and pornography, especially as gifts.
17. The Transgendered Mafia is becoming a major player, mostly because they're so tall.
18. Gay mafiosi are particularly fond of the movie "Scarface," but they think it's the life of Joan Rivers.
19. Lieutenants in the Gay Mafia are usually heavily armed, especially during tank-top season.