Ugh....

Given my recent attempts at romantic entanglements, I have to turn to Cole Porter for this post:

I hate men.
I can't abide 'em even now and then.
Than ever marry one of them, I'd rest a maiden rather,
For husbands are a boring lot and only give you bother.
Of course, I'm awfully glad that Mother had to marry Father,
But I hate men.
Of all the types I've ever met within our democracy,
I hate most the athlete with his manner bold and brassy,
He may have hair upon his chest but, sister, so has Lassie.
Oh, I hate men!
I hate men.
They should be kept like piggies in a pen.
Avoid the trav'ling salesman though a tempting
Tom he may be,
For on your wedding night he may be off to far Araby,
While he's away in Mandalay is thee who have the baby,
Oh I hate men.
If thou shouldst wed a businessman, be wary, oh, be wary.
He'll tell you he's detained in town on business necessary,
His bus'ness is the bus'ness with his pretty secretary,
Oh I hate men!
I hate men
Though roosters they, I will not play the hen.
If you espouse and older man through girlish optimism,
He'll always stay at home at night and make no criticism,
Though you may call it love, the doctors call it rheumatism.
Oh, I hate men.
From all I've read, alone in bed, from A to Zed, about 'em.
Since love is blind, then from the mind, all womankind should rout 'em,
But, ladies, you must answer too, what would we do without 'em?
Still, I hate men!

Time Somebody Told Me

With many thanks to Georgia...I know you put this into a comment but it was too moving to not put into a full post on its own...

Time somebody told me
That I am lovely, good and real
That my beauty could make hearts stand still.
It's time somebody told me
That my love is so complete
That my mind is quick and full of wit
That my loving is just too good to quit.
Time somebody told me.
Time somebody told me
How much they want love and need me
How much my spirit helps set them free
How my eyes shine full of the white light
How good it feels just to hold me tight.
Time somebody told me
So I had a talk with myself
Just me -- nobody else
Cause it was time somebody told me.

Oh Those Wacky YouTube Questions

This guy is just wacky! Gotta love some of those crazy Republicans.

Celebrate This, Bitch...

The most INANE commercial ever...and for some reason it is permanently embedded in my head.

Work, Work, Work...

Sigh...so much to do today. Take 2 days off from work and it all seems to pile up...

Be Careful Who You Text...

Okay I debated telling this story but it's kinda funny and kinda sad all at the same time that I can't NOT share it.

Here I am in Seattle for this event and the guy who invited me and set me up with a free hotel room and everything is someone who exhibited at one of my events earlier this year. Let's just say I was a bit taken with him. He's devilishly handsome and has killer blue eyes. However, he is a client so I can't really DO anything about it. I guess to me that would be unethical.

So, today is the lsat day that I'm in Seattle and I head out to brunch with him and a few friends of his. Now he had been texting back and forth with someone and I made the joke that he was texting his friend sitting next to him. Well, I shoot him a text message joking with him about it and thus begins the most interesting conversation.

After he and I part ways and I head over to the gay sports bar to watch the Seahawks game with his friend, I get a text message that says, "Would still like to cuddle again sometime." Now this cracks me up because I'm like, "Again?" when was the first time. So I respond back with a comment about how I still have my hotel room. Ultimately I do ask if he's texting the right person and if the messages were meant for me and I get a confirmation message that they are.

Well, let's just say you couldn't wipe the grin off of my face even if you used an SOS scouring pad. So... being the ballsy person that I was, I texted back with "Blush...so what do we do about it?" Now at this point, I'm already heading back to the hotel and wondeng what I *am* going to do about it.

Then the phone rings.

Yep...he was texting the wrong person and he was quite embarrassed. Well to be honest, so was I since I was pretty much up for it as well. I mean I kinda thought there might have been a mutual attraction given some of the looks I got and such the night before but I'm trying to do my best to not read into situations with people I have a crush on. Anyway...I played it off that I was just going along for the ride and if he wanted to come up and cuddle trhen sure...why the hell not???

However, honestly, I was a little disappointed. Would it have been nice? Absolutely. Then again, I wouldn't be able to let it go very far since I don't do the long distance thing and, let's face it this would be about as long distance as you can get. On the plus side though, Seattle men are pretty freakin' friendly.

:)

Seattle...

I'm sitting in my hotel room right now and it kinda hit me...

I could somewhat see myself living here.

Of course I would have to get a car. Or a Vespa.

Reaching Out

First and foremost, to those of you that have emailed or commented your words of support, they are appreciated. Many of you have started off by saying that you know what I was saying wasn't meant to elicit guilt or sympathy but you felt compelled to offer it anyway. For that, I thank you.

The one question that I have heard a few times is why I haven't reached out sooner or more overtly or, as one person said, at all.

Good question. I don't really have a good answer to go with it.

Part of me wants to think that I am emotionally stronger than I really am. I try not to show how vulnerable I am or the low self esteem I have been hiding. When people hurl ugly, vicious, spiteful words at me, I do my best not to flinch, to not let on that their words stung or, in some cases, wounded me to the quick.

Part of me wants to think that I can do so many things on my own that I don't need the help or support of my friends and colleagues. I try to do too much and take on too much that I don't recognize when that burden is finally taking its toll on me until it's too late.

In a way, this is me reaching out. It's baby steps but it's what I have to work with.

Growing up, I remember a song that I heard sung in a concert at my church. I don't remember much of the song but I do remember one line rather vividly -- "I'm a masterpiece in progress."

That's what I'm going to start referring to myself as now. It's seems more apt and more positive.

The Me Nobody Knows, Part 2

I'm a bit proud of myself. I went the whole weekend without pulling down my previous post. In a way it's a bit liberating to put yourself out there and show yourself, warts and all, to the masses.

Okay, so maybe I hid a few warts.

I also know that the catalyst for change must come from within me. This is just the start and I know that I have a long journey ahead of me.

The Me Nobody Knows

In 1970, there was a Broadway musical called The Me Nobody Knows which was based on an anthology of New York City student writings. Their stories were explicit in detail as to what their lives were like and how the felt about their neighborhoods, family, school, and more.

For reasons that will become apparent, the title has always resonated with me. I debated a lot about writing this post and promised myself that no matter what I wouldn't pull it down. This isn't written to elicit sympathy, empathy, or guilt from friends and/or anonymous readers. This is written for me. Because I have to tell everyone about the me that nobody knows.

For many of you that know me, this post will come as a shock because you think you know me... and well at that. The truth is you don't know me at all.

And it's not your fault. I need to make that perfectly clear. It's not your fault at all. It all lies with me.

The truth about me is this... well it's a lot of things but let's start with the big one.

I am probably more lonely than I will ever publicly admit... even here and in this post which, admittedly, will be rather raw in its content. Part of this loneliness can be attributed to my job which consumes a large part of my time (and more on this later). Part of it can be attributed to many friends being so spread out. Part of it can be attributed to the fact that I have very few close friends who live in NYC even though I have been here for almost 10 years... a fact that even I am surprised to learn. Even though I have a large circle of acquaintances (for lack of a better word) and have been members of many organizations (social, recreational, and otherwise), the truth is that my phone rarely rings to the point where I only really keep it in case there is a family emergency and I need to reach them or vice versa. There are days when I question whether or not I should even keep the phone because it never seems to get any use.

And then there are days when I question if anyone would really miss me if I did give up my phone.

Total self admission -- I know that I'm not the first person people think of when they are making up a party invite list. My social calendar is painfully empty to the point where going to see a movie or a show on my own isn't a problem or awkward for me. I've faked "dinner with friends" more times than I care to count. I often make up things I did over the weekend rather than say I sat at home alone.

And yes, I totally admit that a large part of this is my own creation. I am more than capable of going out to a bar, meeting new people, or someone and make new friends. But, I am totally not a bar person and, quite frankly, no one in a bar seems to want to talk to me.

With that, let's hit the next big thing... relationships, and the lack thereof. I am probably more socially awkward than I let on. Part of that comes from a severe fear of rejection. I have asked out more people than I can count and been turn down over and over and over. The reason I have not pursued some romantic desires is because of that fear of rejection. There are probably lots of people who have no clue that I had feelings for them, wanted to see if there was a spark there, or anything. Some people have found out because people got tired of me pining away and not doing anything about it. And even then the feelings weren't reciprocated. I'm the guy you just don't think of "that way."

I have joked that I'm going to just have to get used to being alone and adopt 13 cats to live with me. Sometimes though, it's not a joke. And sometimes, I think I already have gotten used to being alone.

I keep being told what a great guy I am and what a catch I would be, but to be honest, if I am such a great guy then why am I alone? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I have to put myself out there. Well I have. People didn't want me or anything to do with me. Then I'm told, it happens when I'm not looking. Well that's a load of BS because I stopped looking a long time ago.

Oh yeah. There was one guy as of late. I fell for him and fell for him hard. Sadly he was completely unavailable for any sort of a relationship. It was hard for me to accept that I had found what I considered to be the perfect guy only to not be able to "have" him. Even harder is that I still see him on a regular basis as friends (and I know that he may read this and am prepared for his response). While I have accepted that he will be and can only be a friend in my life, there are days when I find it hard to actually see him because the feelings are always there and bubbling under the surface. On those days, I do my damnedest to keep things in check. It's not often, but it happens.

And when it does it reminds me that I'm still alone.

Part of the problem is my job. While it's incredibly demanding and requires a somewhat significant time commitment, I definitely work more than I should. Several years ago, I realized that I was putting more attention onto my job than on myself. I did it because filling that time gave me something to do. It gave me purpose. Someone needed me and it was a job, or a project, or something that I would take on to keep my calendar full and my mind off the fact of how alone I truly am. As long as there is something to fill my time I don't have to worry about the emotional side of me that is not being fulfilled.



And how about this biggie... I have serious issues with my looks and my own self worth. I've never been comfortable with my size, weight, face, and as of late, hair color. I've worked out, lost weight, gained weight, and never everything in between. As a large part of it, I've never fully accepted myself. I've been called every name imaginable even by my own family.

Oh, family. Nice segue. Growing up, my weight was a never ending issue. Between fourth and sixth grade I think I put on forty pounds and was pretty pudgy. My parents would tell me how fat I was, how I would grow up to be so big that my arms wouldn't be able to touch each other, etc etc. Of course, the fact that my mother and father both failed many diets in their lives never came to mind as a defense at the time. The fact that both of them are overweight to this day doesn't say much either. However, of my immediate family, I'm the only one actively exercising. But I still get comments on my weight.

My family doesn't talk or acknowledge that I am gay. My sister is the only one that does and the only reference she has made as of late was that I needed to repent of my "sinful ways." Mind you, for Christmas last year my sister gave me a book about a man who had a near death experience and rather than going to heaven, he went to hell. Nothing says Merry Christmas more than a book to tell you you're going to hell.

But what's hard to deal with as well is that I know that they know I'm gay. I know that it's hard for them to talk about if and when they ever do. But it's hard for me as well. They don't know about live, the failed attmepts to form relationships, or anything. And it's hard for me to share because I know they don't want to know. It's hard to hear your mother make disparaging comments about homosexuality to your face and not respond back. I've finally got a decent relationship with my family and I know at some point I'm going to have to talk to them about it and risk what has taken so long to establish.

At one of my recent expos, a "spiritual medium" gave me a reading where she basically exposed me as the fraud I am. She told me I deserve an Academy Award for the performance I give on a daily basis convincing people that I am more in control of my life than I really am.

And I had no response because I knew she was right.

I'm hoping that by writing this I can break the cycle I find myself repeating over and over. I'm hoping that by publishing this people will understand where I'm coming from and what my life is really like. I'm hoping that by letting everyone know that I'm not who I say I am or who I've pretended to be that I can finally discover who I am because, quite frankly, I have no idea who that is.

So... to a certain extent, this is the me that nobody knows.

Not even me.

I hope you get to meet the real me one day. I hope I get to meet him too.

And I hope that he's as great of a guy as all of my friends seem to think this guy is.

To those that I have deceived, I apologize. Trust me, it hurt me more than it hurt you.

I Did It.

Four weeks.

Five trade shows.

Pretty much no sleep.

I have no idea how I did it. But I did it.

Barack Obama on Saturday Night Live

Well, let me just say that sometimes SNL gets political humor right and sometimes they get it totally wrong.

Let me just say this video is a case of TOTALLY RIGHT...mind you I haven't decided who I am voting for yet but this did crack me up...

A Much Needed Compliment

CuteBeefyGuy(12:13:40 AM): a big kiss papo....
CuteBeefyGuy(12:14:02 AM): which just reminded me of the one you gave me on 19th and 10th....LOL
646guy (12:15:17 AM): hehehehehehe
646guy (12:15:28 AM): must have been good if you remember it
CuteBeefyGuy(12:15:44 AM): it was....
646guy (12:15:43 AM): *blush*

For the record, the kiss took place in about 2002...sigh...if he didn't live in Mexico now...

Me and Jane Child

I loved this song when I was younger...I have no idea why but I credit Jane's hair. The best part is now I share something common with Jane besides taking chances with our hair...we've both ridden the N train. I wonder if she had to wait as long as I did when I was an Astoria resident.

And to think....

...people actually got paid to compose this song...people got paid to sing it...and people got paid to dance to it...and people are putting it up on YouTube...

Billy really like to lick his lolly....

Yes, This Is Part Of My Job

Fuck Me With a Wire Brush

Today I feel like I am Kissinger doing shuttle diplomacy in the Middle East.

Someone needs to tell my boss that when he changes the rules of the game in midstream then ALL the rules change -- not just the one he wanted.

A Headline I Never Thought I Would See

Kid Rock Arrested in Waffle House Brawl

After being on your feet for about 14 hours on both Saturday and Sunday seeing that article on MSNBC made me smile...

I'm Doing The Best I Can

The post title seems to be my mantra as of late.

For some reason I'm supposed to magically know that the State of New York has changed permitting procedures for certain things.

For some reason I'm supposed to magically know the intimate details of contracts I never saw or signed.

For some reason I feel like I'm fucking useless this week. Nothing I do seems to be right, correct, etc. and my boss is coming down on me for stuff that I can't control.

Hello! I'm not the one that decided to book 5 expos in a four week period.

Oh and that contract you were bitching about...I do believe you're the one who signed it...not me.

I work my ass off. I work long hard hours. And my boss complains when I get the special treatment and not him. Hello! I work with these people on a regular basis. They only communicate with you at the expo!

Something's gotta give. I can't live or work like this.

NEENER!

I'm done with Christmas shopping.

I officially rock.

Big Wheels Keep On Turning

So today was my second roller derby practice.

How did it go you ask?

In a word... better. The tighter skates did allow me to stay up more although I did a bit of visual research at practice and noticed that most people had the same set of wheels on their skates. These wheels are, apparently, the best for use on a sport track which is what we practice and also do home matches on. It's a pretty slick surface and the wheels that are currently on my skates aren't exactly compatible with the floor.

So I'm going to look into it as well as doing a few other things to make sure that I can keep my balance a bit better. I did get a couple of blocks in during a practice round but I wound up landing right on my ass. I tried getting the speed to get back to the pack but never seemed to catch up to them which was increidbly frustrating.

Additionally, it's incredibly intensive on my lower back and I take every opportunity possibile to stretch it out during the practice that I can get. The short term goal is to build up my endurance and my skill set. The long term goal is to get into enough shape to take in my first match in 2008.

As for a skater name, thankfully I have more than a few options at my disposal courtesy of some VERY creative friends. When I get to the point where I can claim my skater name, I'll be a very happy man.

Still Not My Kinda Town

Not really digging San Fran. I did see a bit more of the town thanks to my friend Tracey and what I did see was much better than where I am now so part of it may be where I'm staying.

However, let me just say that some of the people here are VERY rude. I put out an ad to find some last minute help and granted we don't pay much but we always get good hard workers from our ads. But the first four responses to my ad were all people criticizing me for our ad and how much we pay and how we'll never get good, trustworthy people and that for the four hours of work that we need people for, we should be paying them twice as much.

Part of me really wanted to respond back to them and tell them they were assholes but I don't have the time or energy to put out that energy out since the powers that rule the karmic backlash will smack me down hard. It just made me dislike the city just a wee bit more.

Not My Kinda Town...Maybe

As many of you know, I travel quite a bit for work. I'm on my sixth different city of the year with about four more to go before the tour of duty is over. This time, I'm in San Francisco and I think I can say that this town doesn't agree with me...

BUT...

I'm not giving up hope on it yet. I'm hoping that it's just the part of town that I'm in for work or the fact that I really haven't had much time to explore the city. However, you just know when you click with a city. I had that with Seattle and it definitely happened with NYC and with Chicago. For some reason I'm not really getting it with San Fran.

It's not the hills. It's not the people. There's just something that I'm missing. The romanticism that I found in the books of my blog's namesake makes me wonder what the hell Mary Ann Singleton saw in this town. Maybe it was totally different in the 70s and early 80s.

I did go to Folsom (that infamous street fair) mainly to see my buds at the Utilikilts booth and maybe see if there was anyone there that could be a potential client at our erotic expos. I was kinda disappointed because I expected the infamous street fair debauchery and when I didn't see it, I kinda chalked it up to not that much in terms of porn or erotica there and the fact that I went a bit early. Was it worth the $5 entrance? Sure. It was definitely interesting to see but at the same time a bit disappointing. Interesting in that a very large (and by large, she was larger than me and the king sized bed in my hotel room) wearing nothing but a bra and panties wanted to talk to me about my camouflage Utilikilt I was wearing. She then lamented that she didn't opt to go naked.

Oh and people were naked. People you didn't really want to see naked were naked. Sadly only one them had anything worth actually seeing. The rest made me want to gouge out my eyes.

So far the highlight has been the BBQ beef sandwich I had at Tommy's Joynt at the corner. I'm hoping that something better comes along.

RIP Bernice Clifton

This is one is for the amazing Alice Ghostly who passed away this past weekend. Some people remember her as Esmerelda from Bewitched but I will fondly remember her as Bernice Clifton on Designing Women. Sing it with me now...

Black man! Black man! Where have you gone to!

SPLAT!

Well, I did it

Today I had my first practice with the New York Shock Exchange, the men's flat track roller derby team in NYC. As you can tell by the title of this post, I had a great wipeout.

First, let me go ahead and say that I really enjoyed the practice and the guys were all great and supportive. Patrick Bateman (pretty sure it's just a skate name and not his real one since that would just be CREEPY) helped me learn some of the basics but I wasn't used to skating on the surface and I had a lot of problems maintaining balance (more on this later). I was able to get some of the basic moves down (okay maybe not DOWN, but okay) but sat out the last half of the practice since it was all about blocking, jamming, and a scrimmage and I knew that I needed to sit out and watch what was going on and learn from it.

Well during my sessions with Patrick, he checked out my skates and determined that the skates of the truck were loose which he said was good. Well for him it's good since I outweigh him by almost 100 pounds. For me, I had problems maintaining the equilibrium point so when I took a stride I was able to solidly land in the same position and power off. At the end of practice, he adjusted the skates and I took a few good spins around the track and have a good setting now where I can maintain my balance. We're talking a night and day difference. I could take much more solid strides. One drill called "Coca Cola" (or at least that's what Patrick referred to it as) where you are basically doing an outline of the Coca Cola bottle curves with your skates. I could do it the first time and was okay as long as I maintaind a solid focal point. However, with the adjustment I was able todo them much more cleanly and with a lot more confidence.

While I was a little frustrated with how I did, the captain, Jonathan, told me that they have had more than a few people through their doors who couldn't do half of the stuff I somewhat accomplished. That at least made me feel good that I was able to pull some stuff and I knw that with the skate adjustments, it's going to be MUCH better (or at least it was when I tried them out). I may not have the speed or the agility of others but all I want to be when I grow up is like Beyonslay.

R.I.P. Brett Somers

She may not have given the best answers or the smartest answer but she was definitely a laugh machine....

If Today Is Your Birthday

The Sun squares Mars and Pluto around the time of your birthday this year--an intense, dynamic, and powerful combination! Power struggles are likely in the year ahead, particularly with men or those in authority. You have transformative energy at your disposal, and how this will play out depends on how you handle it. Channeled positively, you could move mountains when it comes to pushing your projects ahead. If mishandled, however, you could be argumentative, stressed, and hell-bent on having your way! Avoid taking extreme measures to make things happen your way, and avoid people who might be doing same. Deliberately trying to maneuver things in order to get the upper hand will be a lesson in frustration. A need to control or gain power may be at the root of frustrations. You are inclined towards pushing yourself too hard in the pursuit of your goals, and it's best to be aware of this tendency so that you don't push yourself beyond your limits. Events that highlight the necessity to put faith in something or someone are likely to arise. You are likely to have more courage than usual to do things that break the routine, and confrontations engaged in this year could clear the air and help you to move forward.

With Mercury in harmonious aspect to Venus and Neptune in your Solar Return chart, you are likely to enjoy happy relations with younger people and to have increased powers of intellect. This is an excellent year for teaching and speaking. Intuition is strong and involved in the decisions you make. You present your ideas with charm and imagination, helping to smooth over differences in your personal relationships as well as aiding you on a professional level. Some of your hunches could be prophetic. You are thinking more creatively, and express yourself with more sensitivity, compassion, and warmth.

Mars trines Neptune in your Solar Return chart, helping to soften matters somewhat. You act more on intuition than ever this year, and your creative impulses are potent. If you are an artist, this could be an especially inspired, imaginative, and productive year. If you are involved in sales, you will be able to tune into your client's inner desires and motivations. Pay attention to your gut feelings, which will, more often than not, give you valuable information.

Venus opposes Neptune in your Solar Return this year. Some caution with your personal finances and your social relationships is in order. Most importantly, you should do your best to watch out for tendencies towards self-deception. Things might look too good to be true, simply because you want to see the best in others. Relationship ups and downs are possible, as this could be a year when romantic mirages are more likely. The "highs" of a relationship may be thrilling, but the accompanying "lows" can be draining. Uncertainty may characterize your love relationships from time to time this year. Be careful not to set yourself up for disappointment. The same goes for finances.

The desire to take control of your life is more important to you than usual this year. Power struggles with others may be the result, but with a little extra effort and self-understanding, you could enjoy increased focus and sense of purpose. The ability to express yourself with charm and imagination helps smooth over some relating problems. Getting your finances and your love life in order plays a big role. Ups and downs and a few disappointments in these areas of life are likely. Acting on your intuition will serve you well as long as you can discern between impulses that are intuitive and those that are purely defiant.


2007 is a Number Eight year for you. Ruled by Saturn. This is a year of power and accomplishment. Actively seeking to expand, taking educated risks, and moving forward are highlighted. This is a year of opportunity, particularly in the material and business world, and opportunities need to be seized. It's generally not a year to find a new love partner, simply because the focus is on the material world and your place in the world. This is a problem-solving year in which you can expect real, tangible results. Advice - take action, plan ahead, seize opportunities.

2008 will be a Number Nine year for you. Ruled by Mars. This is a year of completion and transition. It is a time when we need to let go of things that no longer serve their purpose, and hold on to things that have a future. It is a time of cleaning out dead wood, not necessarily for new beginnings. It can be a time when a burden has been taken off your shoulders, and it can be a year of giving of yourself. Advice - let go of things that are holding you back, give of yourself and express your sympathetic, compassionate side.

Jersey Bois

So I was watching the Emmys and I got to the perfomance by the cast of Jersey Boys and there was a moment in the performance where it looked like some of the guys were...well...the people at TVGuide.com put it best with this:

9:42 I'm not sure, but I think the Jersey Boys just proclaimed their love to one another. Well, they'll make a cute couple. All, um, three of them.

I was just glad that it wasn't me. Also that chick from Grey's Anatomy mouthing the word shit and the Fox censors were just too late in catching it. Gotta love it.

Someone Please Hold Me

If I ever get this insane about ANYTHING in my life and then I have this type of reaction, everyone has their permission to beat me senseless until I have a vegetable for brains...

My favorite part: "Leave her alone... because she's NOT WELL RIGHT NOW!!!" And you are?

Also the threat to leave her alone or we will have to deal with him...I'm really scared. Oh well enjoy people. I'm personally scared... I just hope this is fake.

Too Close To Home

I've been reading.

A lot.

It helps that we get a lot of books here at the office that come in for potential reviews and that there is never enough space allocated for the all of the books that come in.

Well one of them caught my eye. The first third? Very engrossing. Delightfully wicked.

That's as far as I've gotten because the last few pages hit...well...as the blog post says..."too close to home."

So close in fact that it was as if the writer knew my two friends (whom I shall call "Rebecca" and "Lisa") and all of their sorted laundry.

"Rebecca" was from California and had a pretty comfortable lifestyle there. Her parents had pretty high expectations (or so Rebecca claimed) and she never felt like she could live up to them or that she wasn't living up to them. She latched herself onto "Lisa," older than Rebecca by maybe 12 years or so who is very self assured and pretty much is someone that you just don't forget once you meet them. Rebecca pretty much wanted to become Lisa to the point where she wanted Lisa to come up with a "style" for her, become her, etc etc.

In the book, Carla tells Mikki that she admires her and wants to know what she does or what it is about her that makes people admire her, draw them to her, make them in awe of her, etc. Carla, the daughter of a famous film director (and she never thinks she can live up to that image of the director's daughter), latches herself onto Mikki, and wonders why Mikki is out having "fun" without her.

It mirrored Rebecca and Lisa perfectly. Rebecca would wonder why Lisa and I even talked on the phone and anything that would interject me into their "friendship" was horrific to Rebecca because it was as if I was taking Lisa away from her.

So reading those pages...wow did it hit close to home. It kinda made me wonder if I should continue reading...I probably will. Mario (the narrator) made it clear that he murders Carla so I guess I have to read on to figure out how and why.

Do I Really Have Anything to Say?

Well maybe one thing...

I've been talked into giving these guys a shot so I have an outlet for some aggression. Maybe she can jeer me on.

My mother is horrified.

I'm giggling.

Believe it or not, I've already ordered the gear. I should have it in time for my first practice with them.

I'm Still Here (Act II)

Okay...been a while. But I'm here.

Things are what they are (so to speak) and I'm doing my best to change a few things in my life and giving them the true attention that they need. To do that means I've had to step back from a few things and re-examine their place. While this blog was an important part of my life for quite some time in the past few year's I've posted with less frequency. Part of this has been due to my work schedule or other commitments that I have made that I put ahead of posting here and, sadly, ahead of working on myself.

As the song goes, "I've run the gamut A to Z" and that's certainly true of this year if not the last seven months. Hell, I've even contemplated moving out of New York (shock!)...

I'm not sure what the rest of the year holds for me...but I know that this wild roller coaster ride isn't over yet....actually it's more like this:

I'm Still Here

It's been a rough couple of weeks and I've kinda adopted this as my anthem...I've been through enough as it is, but I'm still here...

Something Every Gay Man Should Commit To Memory

I once did this for Dixie Carter as a command performance...she loved it...

I Don't Know...

How have I made it through this week?

I'm not really eating. I just know that I have to put food in my body to keep me going but it's more out of fueling the body than out of any true hunger.

I'm not really sleeping. I tend to just roll around in bed trying to find a good position and lay there until my body just gives into the exhaustion.

I'm not really laughing. I've seemed to just shut down. Even yesterday someone said I was keeping a low profile at the office. God...when have I ever kept a low profile?

I'm not really living. I guess that's the best way to put it. For the past few days I've just been in a daze wondering how much more I can take.

I'm trying not to cry. But damn it's hard. It's so hard. I can't let my emotions get the best of me. Especially in the office.

I'm trying not to totally lose it. My stress levels are through the roof. And while it seems like it's something that everyone says, in my case it's totally true. I know what overly stressed feels like from a body standpoint and I'm there and then some.

I'm trying not to think of all of the possible bad outcomes. But even that's not an easy proposition.

I'm not...

I'm trying...

I'm...

Send Me Love...

I'm having a totally miserable week.

We laid off for more people at the office. I'm trying not to think about how much time I have left before they get rid of me too. So much work. So much information that left the building. I'm not depressed. I'm just concerned. I'm definitly down.

Not even the return of my faux husband to Broadway is cheering me up.

Walk It Out, Fosse

Ya know...this is somewhat disturbing. Mainly because, as one friend put it, they are wearing far too much clothing for this song. Then again I don't think I want to see Gwen Verdon in square cut bikini bottom and a barely there top...

Someone Please Explain...

I know it's funny because it's probably the most amazing non-sequitir ever...

This Is a Bit Harsh

Mingle² - Free Online Dating

Being Alive

It's funny how you can see a show or hear a song so many times but it never really impacts you until you least expect it...well I saw Company again last night and prety much bawled my eyes out because this song unexpectedly hit me with emotions and feelings that I hadn't expected...so (with dialogue included) is the song...And many thanks to you for giving me this breakthrough moment...


Someone to hold you too close,
Someone to hurt you too deep,
Someone to sit in your chair,
To ruin your sleep.

PAUL: That's true, but there's more to it than that.
SARAH: Is that all you think there is to it?
HARRY: You've got so many reasons for not being with someone, but
Robert,
you haven't got one good reason for being alone.
LARRY: Come on, you're on to something, Bobby. You're on to something.

ROBERT:
Someone to need you too much,
Someone to know you too well,
Someone to pull you up short
And put you through hell.

DAVID: You see what you look for, you know.
JOANNE: You're not a kid anymore, Robby. I don't think you'll ever
be a kid again, kiddo.
PETER: Hey, buddy, don't be afraid it won't be perfect. The only thing
to be afraid of really is that it won't be.
JENNY: Don't stop now. Keep going.

ROBERT:
Someone you have to let in,
Someone whose feelings you spare,
Someone who, like it or not,
Will want you to share
A little, a lot.

SUSAN: And what does all that mean?
LARRY: Robert, how do you know so much about it when you've never
been there?
HARRY: It's much better living it than looking at it, Robert.
PETER: Add 'em up, Bobby. Add 'em up.

ROBERT:
Someone to crowd you with love,
Someone to force you to care,
Someone to make you come through,
Who'll always be there,
As frightened as you
Of being alive,
Being alive,
Being alive,
Being alive.

AMY: Blow out the candles, Robert, and make a wish. *Want* something!
Want *something*!

ROBERT:
Somebody, hold me too close,
Somebody, hurt me too deep,
Somebody, sit in my chair
And ruin my sleep
And make me aware
Of being alive,
Being alive.

Somebody, need me too much,
Somebody, know me too well,
Somebody, pull me up short
And put me through hell
And give me support
For being alive,
Make me alive.

Make me confused,
Mock me with praise,
Let me be used,
Vary my days.
But alone is alone, not alive.

Somebody, crowd me with love,
Somebody, force me to care,
Somebody, make me come through,
I'll always be there,
As frightened as you,
To help us survive
Being alive,
Being alive,
Being alive!

Things That Make You Say "Wow"

So I did a touch up on my hair and went an extreme platinum blonde (that Feria hair coloring is AWESOME!) and emailed a pic of my new look out to some friends and family. Most of them know I have started regrowing my hair and having fun with coloring it. The reaction I got back from one friend (who shall remain nameless to protect his identity) respnded with the following:

"Oh, my God, that picture totally makes me want to sit on your face."

Gotta love it. Maybe I'll finally prove to myself that blondes have more fun!

For John Griffin....RIP

As many of you know, I worship Kathy Griffin so knowing that this was the episode where her father dies, I was a little concerned about how it would be done. What I did know is that it would be totally classy since Kathy is a producer of the show and she wouldn't let her father be treated like crap. They handled it so well and potrayed the true honest emotions of what she was going through that if she DOESN'T win an Emmy for this episode it will SUCK ASS!

So...from the show and our friends at The Malcontent, a tribute to John Griffin who will be sorely misssed....


Online Videos by Veoh.com

What Rejection Looks Like

Once again I fail the personality test...I'm not sure how that could be...oh well...what can ya do huh?

Caption This Pic

Looking less and less like friends and more like a married couple in this pic (borrowed from Perez Hilton), I just have this fantasy where Ben Affleck is arguing with Matt Damon about how they couldn't get the cheesecake that he wanted when they do their Golden Girls roleplay scenes. So...anyone care to caption this one for me...

However, I will agree with Ms. Perez Hilton on this one...Ben's legs could use some work...they are not in the same shape as the rest of his body...then again when have we seen the rest of his body lately?

Um.....Holy Shit!

Okay...As some of my friends know, I am not a fan of American Idol because I can't really stand Simon Cowell and his superior/holier than thou stance on pretty much everything. Let me just say watching this clip, it was glad to literally watch the smug smirk get slapped off his face. Actually it's that Scooby Doo "r'oh" look on his face that got me....Oh...and the guy singing won the entire competition...and let me just say, I had chills watching the clip. Now if only we could have stuff like this on our version...

As a small update, Paul Potts, the winner of Britain's Got Talent, will be in NYC to perform on the Today Show. All I have to say is this...I would love to be there to watch it and somehow have to figure out how to get out of my training session at the gym to do it...I'd probably bawl like a baby...

Kathy Hilton Denied Medical License

Oh Kathy Hilton...there are times when I'm glad you're rich and not a nurse.

You see...Kathy can't seem to tell the difference when someone is shivering because they are cold and someone has a broken arm. At the very least, if Paris had a broken arm she would be in such severe pain that they would have moved her back to the medical unit. So Kathy...just to help you get that medical license so you can tell the difference between such things I offer the following.


This person is cold. They are hugging themselves so they can use their own personal body heat to keep themselves at a temperature that doesn't chill them to the bone. She's rubbing her arms because she's trying to increase blood circulation that will, hopefully, also promote additional body heat as well and make her...well...not as cold.


This person has a broken arm. He's not cold. He's just in a lot of pain. This is what a broken arm may look like...well if you were trying to lift a lot of weight over your head and your arm just snapped like a toothpick but still you get the idea. This is a broken arm.

Just trying to help you out, Kath...love ya!

Thanks...But....Um....

So you're probably wondering why a picture of Barry Diller is here amidst all of the Paris Hilton hullabaloo.

Well, a headhunter called me and asked if I would be interested in applying for a job that would report directly to the man that created Fox Broadcasting and changed television forever when he created the ABC Movie of the Week.

It took a while for my jaw to pick up from off the floor.

First and foremost, I was VERY honored to even be considered for the job and I took a couple of days to learn more about the man and how I should tailor my resume (which I was told should be about four pages long) to fit what he was looking for in this position. I started rewriting my resume over and over so it would be PERFECT for the job but then right in the middle of it, I talked to a friend who used to work for Fox who basically told me that if I went to work for him I would be working my ass off and literally earning every single penny I was being paid.

Now I have no problem with hard work or anything of the sort. However, the way that it came out of his mouth made me really reconsider whether or not I wanted to be tied to my job as much as it sounded like it was going to be from the job description as well as those I had talked to about Barry and everything else.

At the end of it all, I decided that I needed a bit more time in my current position learning as much as I could before I could even consider taking on something as large as Barry Diller.

Now would it have been great to work for him or at least apply for the job? Absolutely. However, I needed to be a little realistic about things including my background, level of experience, and whether or not I thought I could do the job that Barry Diller wanted. This was compounded when I learned that someone who headed up a similar position for Conde Nast had submitted their resume.

In the end, I decided to say no to the opportunity. I think it was the right decision for me until I can get some more experience and have a lot more to offer under my belt. Something like this may never come along again. However, it would be a huge step from where I am now to working for Barry Diller (if I was to even get the job). Give me a few more years and we'll see...

So Barry, if you do want me for this job, give me a call or drop me an email. Then again, you probably have no clue who I am...

Ellen On Paris

And no not in that kinky way!

Following her Emmy win, Ellen DeGeneres had the following to say:

"If that really is an act, if she really was playing dumb, than what does that say about our society that we're celebrating someone who was successful because they're not smart?

"I just think it's a bad sign and she shouldn't contribute to that. It's just amazing if that was an act the whole time."

DeGeneres said she would be willing to have Hilton as a guest on her daytime talk show and tell her the same thing.

"Hopefully, she means what she says," DeGeneres said. "I hope she is reading good books and I hope she comes out and changes her life a little because she needed to."

***

Following this statement, Ellen DeGeneres has formally become a member of the Truth Screamers on Patrol.

If Paris does appear on her show, perhaps she'll give Ellen some fashion advice for her next red carpet show.

No, Paris....THIS Is Hot...

Bring Me The Head of David Hyde Pierce!

How could he lose the Tony??? HOW! Sigh....he was robbed...so robbed...and he sung the shit out of this Tuesday night, the day after the Tonys.

New Favorite Commercial

It's so nice that Ask.com let's people find lots of pictures of Chicks with Dicks...I mean Swords...riiiiiiiiiiiiiight. "Swords."

Back in "Real" Jail Now

So Paris is out of the medical jail and into a real cell now. I guess the anal abcesses drug withdrawals issues are all...um...cleared up now...Well as real as it can get for her at least. I mean she's not sharing it with a 500 pound, bull dyke lesbian with a flat top, and a flannel shirt named Bertha who will whore her out to the general population for cigarettes but it's still jail. A simple life, if you will. (Bad pun, I know.)

So I figure she has maybe 12 days left in jail before she gets released. And then what happens? Who knows. If the rumors are to be believed, no one really wants her around or to piggy back onto them in order to pull herself back up. Maybe if she went to Sluts Anonymous or Skanky Whores Recovery or something like that it will help. Either way, I just hope that she realizes that she has to face SOME consequences in her life that money, fame, or looks (not that she is that pretty) can't get her out of...

We Interrupt This Paris Hilton Watch For The Following Announcement...

I have the biggest crush in the world on Raul Esparza. Let's put it to you this way...it's a doozy of a crush. I mean I could look into his eyes and just melt for days on end. He wouldn't even have to say a word. Just cuddle with me on a couch while we sip wine, listen to some nice classical music, and then fall asleep holding each other.

Yeah I know, I know. He has a boyfriend. Or so the papers said. I don't care. He's fucking adorable as hell in this picture and in person. And yes, I've seen him in person. No, I'm not stalking him. To paraphrase what Joanne says in the show COMPANY, he's a terribly attractive man. The kind that most men want and never seem to get. I will have to see the show again before it closes because regardless of my crush on him, he gives one heck of a performance.

Hilton Family Values

So the newest buzz in Hilton-ville is that Nicky, Kathy, Rick, and who knows who else have special access to jump to the front of the line at the LA jail where Paris is detoxing being held on her parole violation.

Yep, she's supposed to be treated like everyone else (even if she is in the medical center for her detox issues vaginal and anal abcesses issues) but her family isn't even being treated like everyone else. I mean people are waiting HOURS to get into the jail to see their family and the Hilton's get to zip to the front of the line and have people cleared out of the visitation room just because they are there. Maybe it's the stench of working class people that they can't get out of their tropical lightweight wools that's too much for them.

I'm with the other prisoners' families on this. The Hiltons should wait in line like everyone else. It's not fair that people are waiting in line for four to five hours just so Kathy and Rick can slip her some caviar and pate rather than the gruel she's getting from the commissary. If it sounds like my contempt for the Hilton family is spreading, then you would be RIGHT.

Oh...and as for the picture that accompanies this post, Mom seems to be so happy that her daughter is a whore while Dad is leering so much that I'm a little creeped out.

It's An Act?

This was written yesterday but I hit save now rather than publish so I'm putting it out here one day later.

It's an act? She's trying to say that her acting like a common whore and moron is all an act? Come on. No one shows as much cameltoe as she has and still claim to be smart.

Then it's one damn good act. Give this woman an Oscar, Emmy, and Tony right now because this is the performance of a lifetime that we've been watching...for practically her entire lifetime. I remember she made a comment like this about a year ago how the entire thing was an act for her and she's really a lot smarter than she portrays herself.

Well, I guess no one told her that if she was REALLY that smart, she never would have told anyone that it was an act.

Yes, I'm referring to that very classic comment that Ms. Hilton made...or I should say her publicist made the comment for her. Why do I say it that way? Well, as the old commercial slogan went, "Seeing is believing, but tasting is truth." Not that I want to taste Paris in any way, shape, or form, but you know what I mean.

Here's what I'm expecting to happen next. Paris...or her mom...or her publicist...definitely anyone BUT her will go to the United Nations and pay for her to be some form of a goodwill ambassador, going across the globe to do some humanitarian work. That is until she realizes that she may have to come in contact with people who may not have bathed recently or are dying of hunger or with lesions or who knows what else. Then she'll just whine and bitch and moan about having to do this job and within two months (if that long) she'll be back sharing OxyContin pills with Lindsay Lohan.

Contrite My Ass

I'm loving all of the analysts who are going over Paris Hilton's latest statements about not appealing the verdict against her and how we should be ashamed that we're so focused on her and not what's going on in Afghanistan.

Okay...those words did not come out of her mouth. I totally do not believe that those words came out of her mouth. That was her publicist (you know the one that she fired then rehired like 45 minutes later when she realized she couldn't speak for herself or form a full sentence) trying to stem the tide of hatred and disgust against her. It's not working. We see the smoke bomb, we're ignoring the smoke, and we're seeing the pathetic skank for what she is -- an incredibly self-centered, spoiled brat who is famous for absolutely nothing.

If that's how she really felt then she would nt have caused such a huge scene last week in court when she got her ticket yanked and was sent back to the slammer. Shall we try another tactic because I'm not buying it.

Paris Says No Appeal...I say Big Deal...

So Paris is now saying that she's going to do her jail sentence. Of course that's what she said before when she went in the first time and did about three minutes before she was sent out with a piece of jewelery she couldn't get a Tiffany. She and her parents were even planning a party to celebrate her "freedom" the day that she got hauled back to court and thrown back in the slammer.

Of course they are also saying that she's not eating and sleeping in her new digs while she's being examined which only makes me go back to my thesis that she's really detoxing from all of the drugs running through her system. Of course I have no idea whether or not she does drugs but let's just say it's either detoxing from drugs or not having her maid Consuela there to order around and beat with a Manolo. Ooooh. It could also be that the prison guards don't give a flying fuck about her, her money, or anything of the sort.

So how much longer will she last. We shall see. Either way, I find it all way too fascinating. So fascinating that I will continue to blog about her every day that she is in jail.

Paris Hilton...The Blues Singer?

The more articles I read that refer to her as "Screaming Paris Hilton," the more I think that it's one kick ass name should she decide to go into singing the blues. Imagine the name Screamin' Paris Hilton on the marquee of B.B. King's in Times Square or Carnegie Hall. Her band can be called The Chain Gang or something fun like that. Maybe clones of her mother and have them be The Enablers.

CRY, YOU SPOILED BITCH! CRY!

Okay, I've resisted saying anthing about the Paris Hilton debacle but after reading the article on MSNBC where she screamed "It's not right" about having to go back to jail to serve out her sentence I have had enough of Miss Prissy Pants thinking her shit does not stink.

YOU BROKE THE LAW, YOU FUCKING DUMB ASS SLUT!

The law does not care how much money you have, how pretty you are, or who the fuck your parents are. You were caught once and got a slap on the wrist. You got caught a second time and expected the same treatment and were shocked that the judged didn't think you were "hot."

I'm a citizen, you're a citizen. If I get pulled over by the cops, I should get the same punishment as you with no consideration made for social class. The fact that they did bend over backwards to make special accomodations for you should say enough as it is so SUCK IT BITCH!

That's right, I said..

SUCK

IT

BITCH.

Besides, don't you have PLENTY of experience in that department?

There is nothing special about you other than the fact that you refuse to wear underwear and like to show everyone your freshly shaved vagina when you get out of a car. And trust us...not even that is very special...

Let's face it...your illness was all a sham because you were probably detoxing very hard from all of the drugs you and Lindsay Lohan do together. Am I right here? Probably...

So enjoy the rest of your stay. I wish the judge had extended it a little bit longer just for funsies but oh well, I don't get my wish and you sure as hell don't get yours.

So cry you little baby. I'm going to enjoy every day you are in jail. Every. Single. Day. And if you get out early or try to pull this medical stunt again, I'm going to hope they drag your ass back there time and time again. Maybe if you just shut your fucking trap, done the time like you said you were going to do and not been such a whiny bitch who thinks they deserve special treatment because of who they are and how much money they have, you wouldn't be getting raked over the coals by everyone. But you did the crime now do the fucking time.

Lame ass, whore.

Oh and while I'm at it, let's not forget about Mom's role in all of this. Oh, sorry, not Mom. The Enabler.

Yeah, Ms. Kathy seems to think that it's okay for her daughter to go driving drunk around the city. And then it's okay for her to drive around the city while her license is suspended. And then it's okay for her daughter to not be punished for breaking the law. And then it's okay for her to keep breaking that same law over and over because she apparently didn't hear it enough from the first 10,000 cops that told her that it was wrong for her to be driving on a suspended license. And then it's okay to get legal advice on whether or not Paris can drive not from her lawyer but from her publicist. Kathy, trust me on this one, you won't be winning any Mother of the Year contests in the near future. Not on your fucking life. Paris, maybe you need to realize that Mom doesn't know best on this one. Wow. It kinda makes you wonder how Nicky Hilton has wound up so fucking normal. Hey, I know! Why not just admit that Paris is kinda fucked up and you're part of the problem as well. Maybe you could do therapy together with Paris! What a great mother/daughter bonding experience!

Maybe start hanging out with Dad. He seems normal enough and you defintely don't see him in the papers showing camel toe. Yeah, he's not that flashy of a dresser and his hair could probably use the work but think of all of the things you could learn from him rather than mom. You can learn real estate transaction and true business stuff you can use when, sadly, you start running the company and not how to hide the OxyContin pills that your pharmacist gave you without a prescription.

Yeah, that's right Kathy. Throw your hands up in the air. I wouldn't know what to do with this kids either. Except put them in a nunnery.



Even then I don't think that would work.

Died and Gone to Pageant Heaven

No it's not another death...

I have longed to see a pageant beauty take a tumble during one of those shows. I was rewarded with Miss USA plunking down on her butt during the evening gown competitoin of the Miss Universe contest.

I can die a happy man. When video of this becomes available (and you know it will) I will post it for those that missed it...I mean do I feel bad for her...yes....but it still cracked me up....


UPDATE #1 -- THEY ARE BOOING MISS USA MAKING THE FINAL 5....I think I would too...

UPDATE #2 -- HOLY SHIT!!! You can't even hear Miss USA answer the question they are booing so loud. If she wins this, the place will riot.

UPDATE #3 -- They are doing the final runway and I think they turned the audience microphones off because you can't hear them at all.

UPDATE #4 -- Fourth runner up for Miss USA this year...I think we can all breathe easy that there will not be an international incident over this...

UPDATE #5 -- As promised...YouTube of the fall and the booing!

Match Game -- RIP Charles Nelson Reilly

Charles Nelson Reilly...you will sorely be missed...thanks for the laughs

Subway Conversations

On the L Train this morning I took part in this conversation as I entered the train at Bedford Avenue and reached up to grab onto the bar. Stupid Bitch was standing in front of me as I was reaching up.

Stupid Bitch: (sighs) I hope you used deoderant this morning.

646Guy: Do you want me to shove your nose into armpit to find out?

Stupid Bitch (horrified): No!

646Guy: Then you may want to keep those comments to yourself.

Visual DNA

Thanks to him...

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Dorothy Loudon At Her Best

I found this on YouTube so enjoy it now before it gets yanked off...perhaps the finest performance I have seen because it fits her comedic timing perfectly.

Eric Boyle (1975-2007)

Wow...what to say...

Damn you will be missed. The best smile of anyone I have ever met in my life and one, as someone said, made you feel so special. He's smiling just because he sees me??? Yeah...he was and, in a way, I think he's smiling on all of us.

There was one night after practice when we were stuck in traffic trying to get over the Triboro Bridge when Boyle turned to me and said, "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Why do you do it?"

"Do what?" I asked, truly perplexed by the question.

"The practice. You're beat up, banged up, and can barely run. I mean it hurts me to watch you run. But you don't give up. Why?"

I was a little surprised by the question but I gave him the honest answer -- "I don't know any other way. I wasn't brought up to quit midstream."

He looked out on the traffic and the back at me and with the truest, most heartfelt tone in his voice he said, "That's what I admire the most about you."

Now, I'm not used to getting compliments and I don't handle them very well. I tend to get very embarrassed, act gracious, and try to pawn off the success on someone else. But in this case, I couldn't do it. This was clearly directed at me and I didn't know what to say except "thanks."

His vim and vigor, his open, welcoming personality, his drive to push everyone to be the best that they can be on and off the pitch, and that smile of his that made you just know that something evil was lurking behind...all of that will be greatly, greatly missed because I greatly admired you and never got to tell you.

So to my friends and those who happen upon this page, take a moment to think about the friend you admire the most and have never told. Then pick up the phone and tell them. You might never get that chance again.

Definition Du Jour

Jock Sniffer -- One who hangs around with jocks and pretends to be athletic as well hoping that it will improve their social position.

Oh the people I know who fit THAT category.....

So Wrong On So Many Levels...

....but oh so funny....

Random Quiz

This is just odd....I'm a big straight acting bear???

You scored as Straight Acting. Heya your on the straight and narrow but still enjoy a good cute guy with a pint of beer. A Big Bear 90% Straight Acting 90% S + M guy 80% The all-round cute gay guy 80% Raging Queer 50% Straight 20% Straight Queer Basher 0% What type of Gay are YOU? created with QuizFarm.com

What a Grab....

...in a different baseball context...oh Jason Marquis and Jim Edmonds...it must be love....

Filed Under: Things That Really Make Me Shake My Head

You know...you don't have to cross the street when you see me.

Yes, we're not really on speaking terms. But really...crossing the street so you don't have to pass me is pretty sad. I mean it's not even the first time you've done it. We're up to like three or four times now.

You can walk by me. I'm not going to attack you. Each time you do it, I just shake my head and laugh to myself because I really can't believe that you're doing to such lengths to avoid me.

Ah well...what can you do? Next time I might just say hello to freak you out.

Okay So I Suck For Not Posting More...But, Hey, Let's Vent About Work

Let's see if I can catch you up on everything post-hair....

Um...yeah too much to go into....

I will say that things are better since one of the Frick and Frack duo resigned (and he was slated to be fired for incompetence) but not after he made my life a living hell for a week while we were doing our shows on the West Coast. I have never met such a spoiled, self-centered waste of human space in my life. I mean, seriously. The fact that he didn't lose his job following the disastrous shows in December in Ft. Lauderdale and Atlanta is amazing enough. The fact that he chose to not show up at our erotic in show until about two hours before the actual show (and a total of FOUR HOURS LATE!) and had the balls to whine about being given a shit job of standing at the door to let people in and not being allowed to move from that spot was appalling.

However, lets just get into it shall we...

Frick calls out the Wednesday prior to the shows in West Hollywood and Seattle. I say "sick" because it was clear to us that he was out interviewing for a job. When the boss called him, he was out on the street and said he was out buying Pepto Bismol. Of course that triggered to me that he had either an upset stomach or diarrhea -- both of which he could have lived with at the office. So the boss called him and said that when he got back to the office he needed to call in and get some info and numbers from the sales assistant so he can make calls from him because we had spaces left to sell. Frick tells his boss that he didn't know that there was space left to sell.

This is where I lost it. When his boss told me that, I said that was a "fucking lie" (and yes I used those words) because he sat right across from me as we did the floor plans together and I pointed out all of the space that was left to be sold (which was still a considerable amount at both shows). I then followed up that statement by saying it was "total bullshit" of him to be out of the office less than a week before his shows. His boss was already pissed at him for being out and then being outright lied to didn't make him happier. So Frick calls me back around 2 asking for the phone numbers of people to call. I get the message, I make the PDF files and called him THREE TIMES to email this to him. No response. I even confirmed with the sales assistant to see if he called him and of course he hadn't. I did make sure that this was reported back to his boss. If anything, I am good at documenting what I do.

So when he comes back into the office on Thursday, he says that he didn't think that we were filling those spots to which I said that was bullshit because I pointed out the empty spots and encouraged him to sell or find non-profits to fill the space. The fact is that myself and the guy who handles marketing for the company and I busted our butts off to find non-profits who could fill in the empty spaces at his shows which was not easy to do on late notice. Ultimately we get the show filled the best that we can. It's not 100% perfect but the reason the shows were as filled as they were is because of the work that myself and the marketing guy did to fill it out. The Friday night before the shows I sat down with the CEO of the company and vented my frustrations and gave the proviso that if I totally bitched Frick out during the trip, this is where it's coming from. I figured it's better to prepare him for a possible future occurence rather than have it sprung upon him. I was pleasantly surprised to hear the CEO give me full rights to take him out if it came to that during the shows.

Yep, the CEO was pissed at him, too. His sales numbers hadn't budged on the West Hollywood and Seattle shows ever since he made his target numbers and the NYC and Boston shows weren't budging either. His sole job was to sell and he wasn't doing it.

Fast forward now to West Hollywood. I get to the hotel and try to check in but can't since they don't have a credit card on file so I know that the CEO is coming in a few hours so I opt to park my bags at the hotel and take a stroll through the city since it will be lone opportunity I have to actually see the city. Around 12:15, Frick calls. He's at the hotel and can't get in because the CEO isn't there. I tell him not to worry because he's just landed and will be at the hotel in 45 minutes. He can park his bags at the hotel like I did and spend some time in the city since we don't really have anything major to do that day. I even advised that the company was only paying for the room and we were on our own for incidentals. That didn't go over well with him and he pouted about how he had to talk to the CEO about that because he didn't want to wait for reimbursement.

This wasn't good enough for him. He HAD to be in his hotel room and committed a HUGE cardinal sin. He put his DEBIT card down for the room BECAUSE HE HAD TO BE IN HIS HOTEL ROOM AND COULDN'T WAIT 45 MINUTES!!! Now, for the uninitiated, when you put your debit card down as a hold on a hotel room, they automatically debit you for the money on the hold. When they charge you for the room and incidentals, they charge you a second time. Well, the boss comes in and secures the rooms and advises Frick that we're paying JUST for the room. Well as we're departing to head to Seattle, he complains that the hold on his debit card isn't gone. I call him on it and even throw in a "Well if you had waited 45 minutes this wouldn't be a problem..." Thankfully I had advised the CEO of what he had done when I spoke to him during his car ride in so he was prepared.

Well now he's whining that he doesn't have any money now for the next 2 days. Boo freakin' hoo, I say. But then it hits me...he had money to put the hold on the room, but he was whining about not having money for the Super Shuttle service to the airport that we were told to take and get reimbursed for. Obviously that's a total lie as well because he HAD to have the money on his debit card to get into his room. Sadly this doesn't hit me until much later when I could have busted him on it in front of the CEO.

So we get to Salt Lake City where we are picking up our transfer flight to Seattle, we realize that the boss is on the earlier flight and we're on the second flight. Frick starts whining about having no money to get to the hotel so I agree to pop for the transfer and call the guys in the office to find out what we can do to get to the hotel -- taxi, shuttle, walking? I get a call back and learn that there is a shuttle bus that will take us one block from the hotel and we can hoof it from there. THe cost of that is half the price of a cab from the airport. I relay this info to Frick who apparently doesn't believe me and calls the hotel himself and says that a cab is $40 and we should take that. Here's how the exchange went down:

646Guy: "According to Office Colleague, the hotel told him that it's about the same amount of time either via taxi or shuttle bus. We'll take the shuttle bus."

Frick: "The taxi will take us right to the hotel."

646Guy: "Are you paying for it?"

Frick: "No..."

646Guy: "Right. So we're doing it my way."

We took the shuttle. It took 30 minutes to get there. When I talked to the CEO during our briefing meeting, his $40 cab ride took 45 minutes. On top of that, Frick didn't even thank me for paying for his fare.

On the shuttle ride, things got a lot of fun. Frick made the comment about hoping Matthew would open room service charges for him since he had no money. I made the comment that he may but he would probably wind up reimbursing the company for it.

Frick: "Why? So they can reimburse me back?"

646Guy: "No. We don't have a per diem anymore."

Frick: "Yes, we do. We get $50 a day."

646Guy: "That's when Steve worked for the company. Things are different."

Frick: "But we get $50!"

646Guy: "Again that's when Steve ran the division."

Frick: "Did CEO say this?"

646Guy: "Do you think I just pull these things out of my ass when I say them?"

Frick got VERY quiet. The boss did open up room service for him and the boss even commented as we were checking out of the hotel that he racked up the charges.

Now, let's talk about the shows. Frick's sole job is to sell. He can have input on where people are placed, but ultimately the final decision comes down to me since I am responsible for production. I get a call from him that he's going to move two tables -- one of which can't be moved because they need the wall space for their display. So I firmly tell him that it's not his job to move them, it's mine since I handle production. I make the determination if they even get moved at all. He doesn't take the hint at all because he tries it again in Seattle and says he's going to move someone. I tell him (in front of a client) that he's again usurping my role and that I ultimately am the one who makes that determination. In fact, the client he wanted to move out of the way would have been the wrong client to move.

During the shows, rather than being on the floor communicating with his clients, he chooses to remain at the front table and makes the occasional visit inside. In Seattle, those visits were, primarily to get him and his friend a drink from the bar -- at the company expense since we had drink tickets. This does not go unnoticed by myself or by the boss. During our car ride home on Friday from the airport, the boss and I talk about our displeasure at Frick's performance during the show and from the way the boss is talking, I can tell that Frick's days are numbered. The only question I have is whether or not he gets canned immediately or if we will wait until after the NYC and Boston shows.

Well we don't have to wait. He resigns on Monday to go to a new job. The first thing that hits me is that he basically used the company to get a free trip home to see his family because he knows that if he told anyone that he had gotten the job and taken it, they wouldn't let him go on the trip to the shows. On Wednesday, they told him to pack up his stuff and go. His services were no longer needed at the company and they walked him out the door.

I then had the lovely task of going through his emails and forwarding any show related stuff to myself and found the recommendation letter his friend wrote to his new company. Nothing but LIES LIES LIES. To be honest, I have no clue who this person was talking about when they were describing Frick because it was so laughably wrong on so many levels. Part of me was tempted to email the guy at the new job and say, "Oh do you want the truth about Frick. Call me." But I didn't. I also refrained from emailing his mother to tell her what a fucked up son she has and how he should be thankful he got the new job because he was about to be fired.

I did, however, forward the email that he sent to his friend to his former boss who then sent it to the CEO. In the email, he was telling his friend how to get the best rate possible on an ad in the magazine including what day to call in and at what time and what exactly to offer in terms of pricing. His former boss was more than a little pissed about that and told me that Frick is going to be eaten alive at his new job since he knows the woman who runs the company and she's not going to put up with his crap like we did.

The upside -- he's gone from the company. The downside -- we're more than 50% UNDERSOLD for both shows because he didn't do his job.

So that's teh update. I vented. I feel better. Maybe next time I talk about my hair again.