Okay so I guess I had better get into this weekend and the rugby and Wrestler Guy and everything else in between.

Rugby -- Well, let's start off by reminding everyone how hard I am on myself and how I like to make sure that I'm giving everything my best effort and getting the results that I want out of it. I can be harder on myself than any coach and any teammate will ever be. I wasn't thrilled with my scrum work at all and even voiced my own frustrations at my poor showing which got some strong rebukes from my teammates for being negative on the pitch (which hell....I was). Even more frustrating was the fact that I had to have a rib rotated back into position prior to the match (which wasn't a pleasant experience) and then have it knocked back out of position and maybe even cracked during the match to the point where I could barely take in a deep breath without it hurting coupled with a few back spasms...well, I was pretty much told that I wouldn't be cleared to take part in the remaining matches.

That's when I did the one thing I never thought I would do in that situation -- I started to cry. I wanted to play. I wanted to get out there and prove to myself that I earned a spot on the starting squad and I earned the starting position I had been given. The fact that my spring season would end with such a poor showing and an injury on top of that wasn't how I wanted it to be. It got me very down and very pissed at myself and the fact that I was given a muscle relaxer and a pain killer (on top of a Celebrex) really didn't put me in a good mood to the point where I was snapping at people I shouldn't have and really getting tired of having people ask, "Are you okay?" and "How are you feeling?" I even snapped at Wrestler Guy when he arrived for the drink up even though he had been one of my biggest supporters and boosters not only that day but in weeks past.

So let's talk about Wrestler Guy for a second. How do I put this delicately...wow. Never before have I met someone so well rounded with such a diverse background (art history degree, trips to Africa when he was growing up, loves Ella Fitzgerald as much as I do apparently, etc) and someone whose intellect and wealth knowledge from his personal experience make him far more attractive to me than his personal appearance (which ain't too shabby either). I get these wonderful supportive emails from him about my improvement on the pitch and the strides I have made as compared to a year ago. Last year I was tentative to take (or make) the hit in games but now I'm heading in there and going for it without abandon. I may not be hitting them as hard as I could or should but I'm in there to make the stop and keep them from advancing.

Anyway, what I didn't tell him (or anyone else for that matter) was that my mood had shifted not only because of the pain meds I had taken but due to a conversation I had with our trainer while she and I were watching the final match. It, of course, revolved around sex and I made the comment that it had been quite some time since I had real out-and-out sex before to which Trainer Lady responded, "What about Wrestler Guy?" since he had just sat down in the chair in front of us. My response, "He said he's toxic," referring to a conversation I had with him earlier where he revealed he had just gotten out of a relationship. His response, "I am toxic." Trainer Lady then said that it was just sex and that it didn't have to go beyond that. Wrestler Guy had no response...I had plenty.

What followed between me and Trainer Lady was a conversation about how I didn't want the Mr. Right Now as much as I wanted the Mr. Right -- the romance, the cuddling, the thoughts shared without saying a word...what's that song...."As Close As Pages in a Book." It's this GORGEOUS song that I first heard Claire Martin sing (on her excellent CD "Old Boyfriends") and it's so sentimental, heart on your sleeve, emotions bare for the world to see but it so fits what I want in a relationship.

We'll be close as pages in a book, my love and I,
So close we can share a single nook
Share every sigh.
So close that before I hear your laugh
My laugh breaks through
And when a tear starts to appear
My eyes grow misty too.
Your dreams may come tum­bling to the ground;
We'll hold them fast,
Darling, as the strongest books bound,
We're bound to last.
Your life is my life
And while life beats away in my heart
We'll be close as pages in a book
Never to part....

Anyway...I'm not sure if Wrestler Guy was still around when Trainer Lady and I were talking about relationships but I pretty much think he knows I do have some attraction to him and it's more that I'm finding that his mental/intellectual side is even more attractive than he is as a person and the melding of the two makes him a desirable person -- to me at least. But I guess it does boil down to what he just said in the really sweet email he just sent me -- I have to give myself some more credit instead of being so hard on myself. Of course that's much easier for someone else to say than for me to actually do. If that was all it really took then I would have gotten off my ass and told Wrestler Guy that I think he's a fucking amazing person, I'm grateful to even know him, and that if he ever decided to bat a romantic eye my way the favor would definitely be returned.

But to even say that....whew...what a step that would be....