Tuesday, May 13, 2003

My many thanks to all of the emails I received over my quite lengthy post about my weekend and my somewhat over-idealized thoughts about romance, love, and relationships.

It's been quite a few years (more than I would actually care to admit) since I have been in a relationship and it's been, more or less, because I've been avoiding them for so long because my last one didn't end that well. I've wrapped myself up in personal projects, work, other sundry activities because either A) I didn't think I was attractive enough to find a mate, B) I didn't think I was emotionally ready to handle a relationship, C) I deluded myself into thinking that I didn't want a relationship, D) I was too scared/nervous/unwilling to face rejection to even tell someone how I felt or even ask someone out on a date, E) all of the above and then some....

It's amazing that at the age of 28 (29 later this year) I still find myself going through some of the same issues when I was 18...you'd think that I would have outgrown all of those issues but there are still prevalent. I guess, in some way, it also pertains to some other aspects of my psyche as well. I'm a classic overachiever. I expect myself to continually improve and perform at a superhuman level. When I don't get the results that I expect, I beat myself up about it and tend to focus on what I think I did wrong and what actually did go wrong than what I did right or what improvements I made in my performance. It's something that I've been told to get over many, many times but it's not as simple as that. I'm better than I used to be, however. Sometimes it takes me a good 24 hours to realize that nothing I did in the previous day can be changed or altered and I have no choice but to accept what happened, internalize it, and ultimately get over it. I mean what's done is done, right?

Here's what I think my "problem" (substitute "problem" with "issue," "hitch," "obstacle," or any other synonym from Thesaurus.com) is -- it's easier for me to see what I did wrong before I can see what I did right. When I wrote my first two plays, I passed them over to friends and asked them for their opinion. They came back with high praise and all I was concerned with was what they didn't like or what didn't work with the play. I get too consumed with what went wrong that I can't pat myself on the back or reward myself when things go right. It's a vicious circle I put myself in and I need to work my way out of it...

So...back to the romance part...what was supposed to be dinner with two friends has now turned into a blind date. Granted it's not a real blind date as it's "not a date" but she's just throwing the two of us together to see if we hit it off and can take it from there if we so choose. My options are A) cancel out, B) go and muster some energy to enjoy the evening even though it's not what I was expecting, or C) go and just have fun. Option A really isn't an option because it's just rare that I get to see Paula as it is and Option B really wouldn't be fair to the guy that she's bringing along. So ya know what...give me a nice glass of Johannesberg Riesling, some nice jazz music playing in the background, and Paula's off-color humor and I will be having some fun for sure.

Maybe, just maybe, I've idealized the entire romance/dating process and need to get a brain transplant (or at least a deep cleaning) and start all over.

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