Thursday, November 13, 2003

Julia Sugarbaker Tirade of the Day

TOURIST: Y'know, the other houses were much nicer than this one. This is boring.

KAREN, THE TOUR GUIDE: Well, this isn't one of our better ones. In fact, the only reason it's on the tour is because this was the home of Lucifer T. Stonewall Sugarbaker. He was a very famous horse thief and Yankee spy. Who's seen Gone With the Wind? Do you remember Belle Watley's house? Well this was the original that it was based on.

TOURIST: This used to be a whore house?

JULIA: Alright!! That's it. This is not a whore house, this is my house. And I've had all I'm gonna take of you. You don't care about history, you just want to sell it. You don't even sell it honestly. You just want to sell the myth.........the myth of the Old South. You all know that myth, don't ya? Happy darkies singing in the field while Miss Scarlet primps around throwing hissy fits. Well that's an insult. It isn't the South. It's an insult to all the people who lived and died here not so very long ago. We Southerners have had to endure many things. But one thing we Southerners don't have to endure is a bunch of bored housewives turning historical homes into theme parks, not to mention ill-mannered tourists with their Big Gulps, Mysties, Slurpees, and Frosties, their dirty feet overflowing rubber thongs, and babies who sneeze fudgecicle juice! Out!! Out of my house!! As God is my witness..........I will burn it down myself before I let you in again!!

(The tourists applaud........)

TOURIST: Wow! Just like the movie!

TOURIST: This is the best house on the tour!

KAREN: (nervously trying to hurry them out) Well.........we aim to please. And wasn't that a wonderful piece of theater.

MARY JO: Well................

JULIA: Well.........

MARY JO: Julia, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I don't think you're gonna be invited to be on the tour of homes next year.

JULIA: Frankly my dear...............I don't give a damn.

-- from the episode "Blast From the Past" of Designing Women
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