Because there are so many Julia Sugarbaker tirades to choose from that I've decided to post more than a few so everyone can enjoy them...starting off with Crash's desired Ray Don speech.
Julia Sugarbaker Tirades of the Day
MAN: Allow me to introduce myself -- Ray Don Simpson.
JULIA: There's no need for introductions, Ray Don, we know who you are.
RAY DON: (smiling) You do?
JULIA: Of course. You're the guy who is always wherever women gather or try to be alone. You want to eat with us when we're dining in hotels, you want to know if the book we're reading is any good, or if you can keep up company on the plane. And I want to thank you, Ray Don, on behalf of all the women in the world, for your unfailing attention and concern. But read my lips and remember, as hard as it is to believe, sometimes we like talking just to each other, and sometimes we like just being alone. -- from the Pilot episode
Yes, you can give him a message. You do take shorthand, don't you? Good, we take it in the South too. Anyway, just tell him that I have been a Southerner all my life, and I can vouche for the fact the we do eat a lot of things down here........ and we've certainly all had our share of grits and biscuits and gravy, and I myself have probably eaten enough fried chicken to feed a third world country ---- not to mention barbecue, cornbread, watermelon, fried pies, okra, and ...........yes.........if I were being perfectly candid, I would have to admit we have also eaten our share of crow, and for all I know --- during the darkest, leanest years of the Civil War, some of us may have had a Yankee or two for breakfast. But........... speaking for myself and hundreds of thousands of my Southern ancestors who have evolved through many decades of poverty, strife, and turmoil, I would like for Mr. Weaks to know that we have surely eaten many things in the past, and we will surely eat many things in the future, but --- God as my witness - -- we have never, I repeat, NEVER EATEN DIRT!!! -- from the episode Getting Married and Eating Dirt
JULIA: (on phone) Hello, Charlene. I just wanted to thank you again for turning me into the judge. Now, the whole jury is sequestered till Lord only knows when, and I am here in Motel Hell, sharing a room with a women with no lips.
CHARLENE: Julia, I had to do it. We violated that law. By the way, I don't think your supposed to be making telephone calls. I'd hate to have to report this, too.
JULIA: If you are so all fire, heaped up about turning people in, I believe you'll find some overdue library books in my upstairs den. Why don't you just report that too, and maybe you'll get your merit badge, you big 'ole donkey girl scout!
CHARLENE: Now, Julia, you sound overwrought.
JULIA: Yeah, well, you're gonna think overwrought. If I miss my dinner with Jimmy and Rosalind Carter because of this, you're going to pay and pay big. I'm going to find you and hunt you down like a dog! I'm talking about you running through the woods in the snow with blood hounds ripping your clothes off! And remember, Charlene, I have your address. You'd be wise to ask yourself "Do I know where my baby is?"! -- from the episode Miss Trial.
I do not think everyone in America is ignorant! Far from it!! But we are today, probably, the most uneducated, under read, and illiterate nation in the western hemisphere. Which makes it all the more puzzling to me why the biggest question on your small mind is whether or not little Johnny is gonna recite the Pledge of Allegiance every morning! I'll tell you something else, Mr. Brickett. I have had it up to here with you and your phony issues and your Yanky Doodle yakking! If you like reciting the Pledge of Allegiance everyday then I think you should do it! In the car! In the shower! Wherever the mood strikes you! But don't try to tell me when or where I have to say or do or salute anything, because I am an American too, and that is what being an American is all about! And another thing.........I am sick and tired of being made to feel that if I am not a member of a little family with 2.4 children who goes just to Jerry Fallwell's church and puts their hands over their hearts every morning that I am unreligious, unpatriotic, and un-American!! Because I've got news for you, Mr. Brickett...........all liberals are not kooks, anymore than all conservatives are fascists!! and the last time I checked, God was neither a Democratic nor a Republican! And just for your information, yes I am a liberal, but I am also a Christian. And I get down on my knees and pray everyday ---- on my own turf --- on my own time. One of the things that I pray for, Mr. Brickett, is that people with power will get good sense, and that people with good sense will get power.........and that the rest of us will be blessed with the patience and the strength to survive the people like you in the meantime!! -- From the episode The Candidate
SHANNON: I asked you to come in here with me because I respect you. I can tell that we're both strong-minded, feminist-oriented women who can be honest with each other.
JULIA: What's your point?
SHANNON: You don't have to feel threatened by me. I'm not gonna marry Reese or take him away from you. I just want to have a relationship with him for a while. Now if you can handle that I promise: there will be no subterfuge or deceitfulness on my part. Can we be friends?
JULIA: You know, Ms. Gibbs, growing up in the rural part of Georgia, I've been around compost all my life. I've seen it loaded onto wagons and tilled and hoed and spread across fields far and wide. But until today, I must say, I've never seen it tied up and gift wrapped in quite so neat and tidy and "pretty" a package. Congratulations. You're a very clever girl. But it's still compost. Now if you'll excuse me, I leave you to dig your way out. You do know how to dig, don't you? You just get down on your hands and knees -- and shovel. -- From the episode Reese's Friend.