Tuesday, November 11, 2003

I get emails from MSNBC.com's Jeanette Walls on some of her fun gossip tidbits in the entertainment world. This one had me rolling so I'm sharing. If you haven't signed up for her emails then why not? She's a scream....

Top 20 celebrity lies: Walls' Scoop Newsletter No. 109

Okay, so we all kid ourselves from time to time. We tell ourselves these pants don’t make me look fat, I was just about to dump that man before he dumped me, nobody can tell I’m using tooth whitener. The thing is, Dear Readers, most of us have friends who tell us from time to time that we’re totally full of hooey. The thing about celebs, is no one tells them that. They’re so surrounded by yes men and publicists and fans that they can convince themselves of anything. Thus, Dear Readers, as a public service to the poor deluded celebs, the Kindly Scooper (with thanks to D.L., yes, you’re more clever than I am) has provided this nifty guide.

TWENTY LIES CELEBS TELL THEMSELVES:


1) If I prostitute myself by doing beer ads in Japan, no one in American will now.


2) I may be the far side of 35, but if I wear low-rider jeans, get tattoos, and pump my lips full of collagen I’ll fool everyone into thinking that I’m still young.


3) My fans are tired of me in happy roles and are really eager to see me broaden my artistic horizons – playing serious roles like a homeless person or rape victim.


4) I expect people to pay money to see me wiggle and moan seductively while barely dressed on stage – but those creeps who write me mash notes are real sickos.


5) It’s a degrading role, but the controversy will advance my career.


6) I’m a really talented actor, so that also means that I can also play rock music.


7) If I date someone 20 years younger than me, it won’t emphasize our age difference – it will make people think I’m younger, too.


8) I don’t look anorexic. The ribs sticking out of my side and these cheekbones that could slice bread merely make me look youthfully slim.


9) If women didn’t want to have their boobs squeezed on a movie set, they’d say something.


10) It’s not the biggest role in the movie, but it has the best lines.


11) This hair weave looks really natural.


12) The public is really interested in my political views.


13) These smaller venues don’t mean I’m not drawing huge crowds anymore. I really prefer the more intimate settings.


14) If I walk like John Wayne and date beautiful babes, everyone will think I’m straight.


15) If I put my name on a line of cheapo-clothing, it will not only make me scads of money, it will also make me more famous and loved.


16) The fact that my parents are also famous has actually hurt my career.


17) It isn’t a cult, it’s a self-awareness group that demands total commitment and tons of money.


18) If only I could get out of my contract in this rinky-dink hit TV show, my movie career would really take off.


19) I’m trying to protect the privacy of my children – that’s why I gave them inane names and parade them on the red carpet.


20) This time, it really is love.


Ah, Dear Celeb, the truth hurts sometimes. But I would never tell a lie – white or not so white. Trust me. For I am your friend. (Heh heh.) And I am, as always,


Your Faithful Scooper,
Jeannette Walls
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