Suzanne Sugarbaker Quote of the Day
Oh, oh!! I've got one..........this just makes me furious!! Y'know.......when men......use Women's Liberation as an excuse not to kill bugs for you........oh, I just hate that!!! I don't care what anybody says, I think the man should have to kill the bug!!
Friday, November 28, 2003
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
And it's rare that I make such proclamations such as this, but I suggest that everyone go to the post from Tuesday, March 11, 2003 if this gives you any indication of the state that I am in right now....
But for those of you too lazy to look at the link....here goes nuthin'.....
I'm tired of being a monk. I want sex and I want it now. I want it long. I want it hard. I want it sweaty. I want it earth shattering. I want headboard banging against the wall. I want tied to the bed screaming out "Oh Daddy." I want it in multiple positions. I want stubble burn even. I want to cum with such an intensity that it will almost make me black out.
Then I want to cuddle.
Sigh....that's the mood I'm in....
But for those of you too lazy to look at the link....here goes nuthin'.....
I'm tired of being a monk. I want sex and I want it now. I want it long. I want it hard. I want it sweaty. I want it earth shattering. I want headboard banging against the wall. I want tied to the bed screaming out "Oh Daddy." I want it in multiple positions. I want stubble burn even. I want to cum with such an intensity that it will almost make me black out.
Then I want to cuddle.
Sigh....that's the mood I'm in....
So last night I went down in flames. Not "went down" as in a sexual thing (although given my libido for the past few days or so it would a welcome thing) but "went down" as in shot down but the politest way possible.
Last night I asked SuitMan out as I have an extra tix to see a show that was given to me by a friend. He very politely told me that he already had plans that evening. The fact that he told me this while we were in the middle of a very long embrace kinda made the damage that much easier to take. Sadly, those of us that know SuitMan are not really sure what to make of him. He's very sweet and very adorable and we're all stumped as to whether or not he's single. What we all agree on, though, is that whomever he settles down with is going to be the luckiest man on the face of the planet because not only is he just adorable and a total sweetheart but he's also the kind of guy that you know will be true and faithful to you as well.
Sigh. I keep being told that the out of town retreat that he and I will be partaking in would be the ideal spot to see if things would progress because...well....it's retreat and we all remember what happened at last year's retreat when I almost hooked up with a man who as already taken but somehow better sense took over or stupidity since I've had my eye on him for God knows how long....but you know...something tells me that SuitMan will be a lot like Kik'e...wanting to take it slow and easy....I can't see him as a mindless fuck (see reference to my libido above) but someone who would really lay on the romance very thick...and I would lvoe every minute of it...
Last night I asked SuitMan out as I have an extra tix to see a show that was given to me by a friend. He very politely told me that he already had plans that evening. The fact that he told me this while we were in the middle of a very long embrace kinda made the damage that much easier to take. Sadly, those of us that know SuitMan are not really sure what to make of him. He's very sweet and very adorable and we're all stumped as to whether or not he's single. What we all agree on, though, is that whomever he settles down with is going to be the luckiest man on the face of the planet because not only is he just adorable and a total sweetheart but he's also the kind of guy that you know will be true and faithful to you as well.
Sigh. I keep being told that the out of town retreat that he and I will be partaking in would be the ideal spot to see if things would progress because...well....it's retreat and we all remember what happened at last year's retreat when I almost hooked up with a man who as already taken but somehow better sense took over or stupidity since I've had my eye on him for God knows how long....but you know...something tells me that SuitMan will be a lot like Kik'e...wanting to take it slow and easy....I can't see him as a mindless fuck (see reference to my libido above) but someone who would really lay on the romance very thick...and I would lvoe every minute of it...
Suzanne Sugarbaker Quote of the Day
Do you really think that I'm going to give up my brand new Maude Frizons so that I can walk out of here wearing these multi-colored clown shoes stained with the sweat of sixty-thousand poor people? Because if that's what you're worried about, let me just say, don't worry about it.
Do you really think that I'm going to give up my brand new Maude Frizons so that I can walk out of here wearing these multi-colored clown shoes stained with the sweat of sixty-thousand poor people? Because if that's what you're worried about, let me just say, don't worry about it.
Monday, November 24, 2003
Things that have been on my mind as of late...
- The spokesmodel competition on Star Search. Can someone explain to me why this is considered a talent? Stand and model? That just about any gay bar in the world.
- How should I feel when a colleague says they should recommend me for Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? Should I be insulted? Should I tell them that I'm already gay?
- Knowing that there are five men that I'm kinda sorta seeing (well, really four, the fifth I am asking out tonight) makes me wonder whether or not I'm really a big whore even though I've only slept with one of them.
- What parent in their right mind would let their kids spend any time (and unsupervised at that) with Michael Jackson? I mean...letting them sleep over? What crack are you on?
- Michael Jackson (since I'm on a roll here) weighs like 120 pounds? That means when I'm doing the seated bench press I'm pretty much lifting (well pushing really) the equivalent of Michael Jackson? My the bulimia (or anorexia, or bulim-orexia) sure has paid off.
- I still think Bob from The Bachelor only chose Estella at the end so he had a reason to move to Southern California and hook up with J.Lo.
- Mayonnaise still looks like cum to me.
- I still think Rosie O'Donnell is a cunt and I refuse to see Taboo even though I was offered free tickets (and good seats too) for the show this week
- I am downloading far too many ringtones onto my new cellphone. What am I really going to do with the theme to CHiPs, Bewitched, or the song "Personal Jesus"?
- I've said it once and I'll say it again, Christmas just isn't Christmas until I tell off my grandmother.
- I'm seeing SuitMan tonight. I'm gonna ask him out. Hopefully he's not heading out of town this week for Thanksgiving.
- I met my fan club this weekend (yes, I have a fan club but more on that later). What a bunch of wonderfully nice women. We had dinner and then I helped them buy purses which only goes to show that I don't need any help from Carson Kressley. My big question was, "Show me how you're going to hold it," and if it resembled a Sophia Petrillo-on-the-wrist look then it was totally out.
- I'm a whore for Kathy Griffin. I want to throw myself at her feet and worship her.
- Lillian from Survivor -- what a gal. Love her. If I was able of having kids I would have them for her. But only via in vitro because sex with women is nasty. Vaginas. Ewww.
- Clay Aiken looks like a plucked weasel.
- Whatever happened to Prince (or the Artist Formerly Known As...)? Yes...I really want to know.
- I'm heading up to a lovely resort in the Hudson Valley region in a few weeks. I have three hours of massages planned back-to-back-to-back. And all with the same guy. God I hope Kip is cute. It will make those three hours worth it.
- This blog posting has been brought to you by the letters "K" and "X" and the number 69.
- That's all for now. I'm sure there will be more later.
Because of the high demand (okay it was one person) I figured I would continue with my tribute to the ladies of Designing Women with Suzanne Sugarbaker Week....
Suzanne Sugarbaker Quote of the Day
Excuse me, that is "Noel", not Neal. I know that pig. I gave her the sheep placenta. My housekeeper gave her the voodoo dolls. I don't so what's weird about that. I have some myself -- it's a little hobby, y'know. Some people like golf. Some people like revenge.
Suzanne Sugarbaker Quote of the Day
Excuse me, that is "Noel", not Neal. I know that pig. I gave her the sheep placenta. My housekeeper gave her the voodoo dolls. I don't so what's weird about that. I have some myself -- it's a little hobby, y'know. Some people like golf. Some people like revenge.
Friday, November 21, 2003
Now it's time for the most classic Bernice Clifton quote of them all....and of course we have to get the original....
Bernice Clifton Quote of the Day
BERNICE: (singing) Black man!! Black Man, where have you gone to? Black Man!! Black Man.......... where did you go?.........
ANTHONY: Bernice, what the hell are you singing about?
BERNICE: Oh, Anthony I don't know. It just comes to me, I can't explain it. It's a gift. -- From the episode Just Say Doe
Bernice Clifton Quote of the Day
BERNICE: (singing) Black man!! Black Man, where have you gone to? Black Man!! Black Man.......... where did you go?.........
ANTHONY: Bernice, what the hell are you singing about?
BERNICE: Oh, Anthony I don't know. It just comes to me, I can't explain it. It's a gift. -- From the episode Just Say Doe
Thursday, November 20, 2003
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
Well I guess we can talk about men because there's yet another one...I know it seems hard to imagine me, the guy who was complaining about the dearth of men in my life and now I have FOUR....yes there's Kik'e, Chad, Drew, and now there's someone I'll just call SuitMan...
SuitMan is quite tall. Quite adorable. Quite the good hugger. And quite confusing. My compadres and I have no idea whether or not he is single. We also have no idea whether or not he's just a big flirt and very friendly or if he's sincere in his intentions. After the hugs I got earlier this week, I am still confused. I did jokingly tell him on his way out that if he was seeing someone else behind my back it would just kill me. He said he was a good boy and that wasn't case but then again I couldn't tell if he was joking or not.
Maybe I just need to ram my tongue down his throat.
And for Crash, I'm not sure how I feel about this...
SuitMan is quite tall. Quite adorable. Quite the good hugger. And quite confusing. My compadres and I have no idea whether or not he is single. We also have no idea whether or not he's just a big flirt and very friendly or if he's sincere in his intentions. After the hugs I got earlier this week, I am still confused. I did jokingly tell him on his way out that if he was seeing someone else behind my back it would just kill me. He said he was a good boy and that wasn't case but then again I couldn't tell if he was joking or not.
Maybe I just need to ram my tongue down his throat.
And for Crash, I'm not sure how I feel about this...
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
Holy shit.
From MSNBC.com, the Massachusetts Supreme Court has ruled that the ban on gay marriage is unconstitutional (at least in terms of the state constitution).
Now all I have to decide is which man I'm going to take to Massachusetts.
From MSNBC.com, the Massachusetts Supreme Court has ruled that the ban on gay marriage is unconstitutional (at least in terms of the state constitution).
Now all I have to decide is which man I'm going to take to Massachusetts.
Bernice Clifton Quote of the Day
BERNICE: Well I don't know what all of the fuss is about anyway, even if these things did happen. Now, I've eaten at Long John Silvers many times. . . and I've never found a hair in my coke. And if I had, I wouldn't hesitate to send it back -- and it wouldn't be ten years later either.
MARY JO: Thank you, Bernice.
BERNICE: And I'll tell you another thing; That Anita Bryant has caused trouble before. . . when she went out against the homosexuals. And here she is, trying to ruin this man.
ANTHONY: Bernice, that was Anita Bryant, this is Anita Hill.
BERNICE: Oh. Well I thought Anita Bryant was white, but they both have the same hair-do.
-- from the episode The Strange Case of Clarence and Anita.
BERNICE: Well I don't know what all of the fuss is about anyway, even if these things did happen. Now, I've eaten at Long John Silvers many times. . . and I've never found a hair in my coke. And if I had, I wouldn't hesitate to send it back -- and it wouldn't be ten years later either.
MARY JO: Thank you, Bernice.
BERNICE: And I'll tell you another thing; That Anita Bryant has caused trouble before. . . when she went out against the homosexuals. And here she is, trying to ruin this man.
ANTHONY: Bernice, that was Anita Bryant, this is Anita Hill.
BERNICE: Oh. Well I thought Anita Bryant was white, but they both have the same hair-do.
-- from the episode The Strange Case of Clarence and Anita.
Monday, November 17, 2003
Because it's the only way to get everything out about this weekend....
Monday Meltdown
So...the East Coast Invitational Weekend went off without a hitch this weekend. There was some ever so brief tension when what was supposed to be a full bus of people went off with just half of us on it but that, I learned, was because some people were riding back from the party but not to the party. My only problem with the party were those who opted to use the Super Soakers on those of us who were fully clothed and not partaking of the pool festivities. Granted I didn't get as wet as my roommate who got tossed in fully clothed but it was pretty bad. I had a lot of fun hanging with the guys from Atlanta, Philly, and Boston and totally kicked ass with one guy from my team in Pictionary. And when I mean kicked ass, we were already two-thirds of the way around the board before one of the other teams got to move. I thanked my stream of consciousness ramblings on getting such odd things like "laptop computer", "World War I", and "Pounce" done in seconds. I got to drive the roomie's truck back into town because he wasn't sober enough to do it himself and considering the fact that I had my last drink about two or three hours prior. It's the second time I have driven his mammoth truck with the first being the year before when I first met him and I drove him to the hospital after he tore his ACL.
The rugby itself went off well and I got some great pictures that I will share later I am sure. Our Blue team won it's match against Philly while the Gold team lost to Boston. The Philly team then took on Atlanta and beat them and that was followed by a "whores" match where all of the teams were mixed up for some rugby fun. This was then followed by a trip to the Eagle for our drink up where we crammed as many people in to the second level of the bar for some beer, some grub, and some rugby songs. One of the guys on the Atlanta team, who I will admit to wanting to meet ever since my contact on the Atlanta team sent pics of the guys over, did give me a nice kiss. Of course the fact that I told him he had to give me a kiss in order to get back into the party after bidding his aunt (or at least I think it was his aunt) adieu. He gave me a nice kiss which I jokingly said lacked tongue and he said it was for the next kiss. Well I had to wait for that one but I did finally get a second kiss...and a third....and a fourth... He was supposed to come to the post-party party but never showed up...But that was okay (although it would have been nice to hang with him at the party and get to know him better but it's okay since I do have his email address from the listings I got from Kevin on the Atlanta team) I can still contact him. It was actually rather funny because I got a few people on the team a wee bit jealous because they had their eyes on him too...and I got a little make out time with him.
The following day was spent at the Gay Life Expo where I bought a kilt (and kept giving Faustus money for CheerNY if he would keep molesting me) but that's anotehr story. Well...it's a Utilikilt and it's in black and it looks great I think. I have to save up to get the really good leather one though. I may combine the kilt with some formal wear and wear it to a few parties later this year. Hmmm if I host the bachelor auction for the rugby team next year I may wear it there as well. Anyway...while I was down there and bringing a litany of my team members down to try them on because well..hey...it was pretty comfortable, I noticed one of the guys at the booth who I thought was pretty cute and he and I started talking. He lives in Philly, he's 29, he has a day job and is going to get his masters degree as well. He's got a great smile and his name his Drew. Well...we started talking and he asked, rather bluntly, if I had a boyfriend or was seeing anyone and I said no and ultimately we started talking about school and tennis and everything and I wound up getting his phone numbers and email address. We then proceeded to have about fifty goodbye moments (kisses, hugs, etc) to the point where we couldn't say goodbye to each other anymore because we knew it wasn't gonna happen.
Finally, we did have to say goodbye because he was heading down to a bar with some of the Atlanta guys and I really needed to get home because I was exhausted from the entire weekend. So while they were doing that, Drew kinda took me aside and we were hugging because we knew this was the real goodbye coming up and he asked me something that really made me feel good because...well, hell...it was a real ego boost... He asked how a guy like me could live in NYC and still be single. I in turn said that I was just waiting for him to come along but I then got honest and said that I pretty much just started dating again after years of doing other things and not focusing on my love life. We're going to make plans to get together soon and see where it goes. He's a super sweet guy and apparently very smart and witty....and then there's that smile. He's got a fucking awesome smile.
So I went home playing with my new cell phone along the way since my previous one pretty much died after being out in teh cold and was never the same afterwards and did some work. I gave Drew a call but I figured he was either at the Dugout or on the train heading home and couldn't hear me. I crawled into bed with every intention of getting up early to go to the gym. And I slept in late...
Oh well...I had a long weekend. I deserved it. Just like I deserved Faustus tonguing my ear.
P.S. And while I'm at it...we all need to head over here and give this guy a hug since he thought I was a woman for an entire week before he realized I was gay. And then you need to give me once since someone thought I was a woman (Crash, bite your tongue).
Monday Meltdown
So...the East Coast Invitational Weekend went off without a hitch this weekend. There was some ever so brief tension when what was supposed to be a full bus of people went off with just half of us on it but that, I learned, was because some people were riding back from the party but not to the party. My only problem with the party were those who opted to use the Super Soakers on those of us who were fully clothed and not partaking of the pool festivities. Granted I didn't get as wet as my roommate who got tossed in fully clothed but it was pretty bad. I had a lot of fun hanging with the guys from Atlanta, Philly, and Boston and totally kicked ass with one guy from my team in Pictionary. And when I mean kicked ass, we were already two-thirds of the way around the board before one of the other teams got to move. I thanked my stream of consciousness ramblings on getting such odd things like "laptop computer", "World War I", and "Pounce" done in seconds. I got to drive the roomie's truck back into town because he wasn't sober enough to do it himself and considering the fact that I had my last drink about two or three hours prior. It's the second time I have driven his mammoth truck with the first being the year before when I first met him and I drove him to the hospital after he tore his ACL.
The rugby itself went off well and I got some great pictures that I will share later I am sure. Our Blue team won it's match against Philly while the Gold team lost to Boston. The Philly team then took on Atlanta and beat them and that was followed by a "whores" match where all of the teams were mixed up for some rugby fun. This was then followed by a trip to the Eagle for our drink up where we crammed as many people in to the second level of the bar for some beer, some grub, and some rugby songs. One of the guys on the Atlanta team, who I will admit to wanting to meet ever since my contact on the Atlanta team sent pics of the guys over, did give me a nice kiss. Of course the fact that I told him he had to give me a kiss in order to get back into the party after bidding his aunt (or at least I think it was his aunt) adieu. He gave me a nice kiss which I jokingly said lacked tongue and he said it was for the next kiss. Well I had to wait for that one but I did finally get a second kiss...and a third....and a fourth... He was supposed to come to the post-party party but never showed up...But that was okay (although it would have been nice to hang with him at the party and get to know him better but it's okay since I do have his email address from the listings I got from Kevin on the Atlanta team) I can still contact him. It was actually rather funny because I got a few people on the team a wee bit jealous because they had their eyes on him too...and I got a little make out time with him.
The following day was spent at the Gay Life Expo where I bought a kilt (and kept giving Faustus money for CheerNY if he would keep molesting me) but that's anotehr story. Well...it's a Utilikilt and it's in black and it looks great I think. I have to save up to get the really good leather one though. I may combine the kilt with some formal wear and wear it to a few parties later this year. Hmmm if I host the bachelor auction for the rugby team next year I may wear it there as well. Anyway...while I was down there and bringing a litany of my team members down to try them on because well..hey...it was pretty comfortable, I noticed one of the guys at the booth who I thought was pretty cute and he and I started talking. He lives in Philly, he's 29, he has a day job and is going to get his masters degree as well. He's got a great smile and his name his Drew. Well...we started talking and he asked, rather bluntly, if I had a boyfriend or was seeing anyone and I said no and ultimately we started talking about school and tennis and everything and I wound up getting his phone numbers and email address. We then proceeded to have about fifty goodbye moments (kisses, hugs, etc) to the point where we couldn't say goodbye to each other anymore because we knew it wasn't gonna happen.
Finally, we did have to say goodbye because he was heading down to a bar with some of the Atlanta guys and I really needed to get home because I was exhausted from the entire weekend. So while they were doing that, Drew kinda took me aside and we were hugging because we knew this was the real goodbye coming up and he asked me something that really made me feel good because...well, hell...it was a real ego boost... He asked how a guy like me could live in NYC and still be single. I in turn said that I was just waiting for him to come along but I then got honest and said that I pretty much just started dating again after years of doing other things and not focusing on my love life. We're going to make plans to get together soon and see where it goes. He's a super sweet guy and apparently very smart and witty....and then there's that smile. He's got a fucking awesome smile.
So I went home playing with my new cell phone along the way since my previous one pretty much died after being out in teh cold and was never the same afterwards and did some work. I gave Drew a call but I figured he was either at the Dugout or on the train heading home and couldn't hear me. I crawled into bed with every intention of getting up early to go to the gym. And I slept in late...
Oh well...I had a long weekend. I deserved it. Just like I deserved Faustus tonguing my ear.
P.S. And while I'm at it...we all need to head over here and give this guy a hug since he thought I was a woman for an entire week before he realized I was gay. And then you need to give me once since someone thought I was a woman (Crash, bite your tongue).
Since we had Julia Sugarbaker saluted last week, this time it's another Designing Women classic....Bernice Clifton...
Bernice Clifton Quote of the Day
Well, I just can't believe it. That's twice he's been in here, and she's raving about some girl's breasts, and you're on the table juggling imaginary underwear. Now I'm telling you people, you have got to get it together! -- From the episode Bernice's Sanity Hearing
Bernice Clifton Quote of the Day
Well, I just can't believe it. That's twice he's been in here, and she's raving about some girl's breasts, and you're on the table juggling imaginary underwear. Now I'm telling you people, you have got to get it together! -- From the episode Bernice's Sanity Hearing
Friday, November 14, 2003
Just because I can't let any tribute to Designing Women go without a few tirades and moments from the other people here are a few more for you...
From the episode The Strange Case of Clarence and Anita...
Mary Jo: All we want is to be treated with equality and respect. Is that asking too much? I'm sorry, I don't mean to be strident and overbearing, but you know nice just doesn't cut it anymore. I'm mad because we're 51 percent of the population and only two percent of the United States Senate. I'm mad because 406 men in the House of Representatives have a pool, a sauna and a gym, and we have six hairdryers and a ping pong table. I'm mad because in a Seminole, Oklahoma police station, there's a poster of a naked woman that says "Women make bad cops." I'm mad because in spite of the fact that we scrub the nations' floors, wash the dishes, have all the babies and commit very little of the crime, still we only make 58 cents on the dollar. And I don't know about the rest of you women out there, but I don't give a damn if people think I'm a feminist or a fruitcake! What I'm going to do is get in my car and drive to the centermost part of the United States of America and climb the tallest tower and yell, "Hey, don't get me wrong, we love ya, but who the hell do you men think you are?!!" -- Annie Potts as Mary Jo Shively
*********
Suzanne: If the sun came out, that top came off. If the sun went in, that top came off. If the moon came up, that top came off. I tell you, all my life I've never been so sick and tired of looking at one girl's breasts. -- Delta Burke as Suzanne Sugarbaker
*********
Suzanne: Well, this is quite a surprise. I guess maybe I deserve this award for the Person-Most-Changed, but.... not for the reason you think. Last night I got my feelings hurt because I came to this reunion thinking I was beautiful...... and what I find out was that I'm fat...... at least you think I am. But that isn't the biggest change in me. The biggest change is that the old Suzanne wouldn't have shown up here tonight. She would've just gotten thin before the next reunion, and then she would have gotten even. But I'm a little older, and I hope a little wiser than that person used to be.
A lot of things have happened to me. A lot of things have happened to all of us. Sandy Smothers was killed the night before we graduated. Diane Mitchell's got two sets of twins, and Gayland Chadwick's working in the White House. We had a lot of dreams together, and there's no point in pretending....... some of mine came true, and....... some didn't.
I met a little boy from Africa tonight whose family died of starvation, and I realized that I spent the whole day at home worrying about the fact that I had too much to eat. I'm not sure the old Suzanne would have appreciated the absurdity of that, but this one does.
Some of you men wanted to know about my bra size, but i'd rather talk about my heart because...... it's a little bigger than it used to be. The old Suzanne wouldn't have forgiven you for the things that you said, but this one will........ because when I look around this room tonight, I don't see receding hairlines and the beginnings of pot-bellies and crow's feet....... I just see all the beautiful faces of old girlfriends and sweet young boys who used to stand on my front porch and try to kiss me goodnight. And you can remember me any way you'd like, but that's how I'll always remember you.
And so I thank you for giving me this award for the Person-Most-Changed, however you intended it. I'm gonna treasure it because......#1.... I love trophies....... and #2...... I earned it. Thank you. -- Delta Burke as Suzanne Sugarbaker.
*********
And this one...well this one is one of my favorites from the episode where Charlene has her baby and Julia encounters Miss Minnie, a 100+ year old elderly black woman...
MISS MINNIE BELL WARD: ....I thought as I got older, the bold outline of truth would be revealed to me, but it hasn't happened. When I was young, I was in such a hurry. And now, I've been here a hundred years. It seems like only yesterday I held my babies in my arms. I'm glad to be going home. It's been a long time since I've seen my family. And I wish for all of you, all the love and happiness I had in my life -- and I hope the world keeps going toward freedom. And I hope that people everywhere can learn to live together in peace. As my pappa used to say......we ain't what we should be, we ain't what we're gonna be, but at least we ain't what we were..... -- Beah Richards as Miss Minnie
From the episode The Strange Case of Clarence and Anita...
Mary Jo: All we want is to be treated with equality and respect. Is that asking too much? I'm sorry, I don't mean to be strident and overbearing, but you know nice just doesn't cut it anymore. I'm mad because we're 51 percent of the population and only two percent of the United States Senate. I'm mad because 406 men in the House of Representatives have a pool, a sauna and a gym, and we have six hairdryers and a ping pong table. I'm mad because in a Seminole, Oklahoma police station, there's a poster of a naked woman that says "Women make bad cops." I'm mad because in spite of the fact that we scrub the nations' floors, wash the dishes, have all the babies and commit very little of the crime, still we only make 58 cents on the dollar. And I don't know about the rest of you women out there, but I don't give a damn if people think I'm a feminist or a fruitcake! What I'm going to do is get in my car and drive to the centermost part of the United States of America and climb the tallest tower and yell, "Hey, don't get me wrong, we love ya, but who the hell do you men think you are?!!" -- Annie Potts as Mary Jo Shively
*********
Suzanne: If the sun came out, that top came off. If the sun went in, that top came off. If the moon came up, that top came off. I tell you, all my life I've never been so sick and tired of looking at one girl's breasts. -- Delta Burke as Suzanne Sugarbaker
*********
Suzanne: Well, this is quite a surprise. I guess maybe I deserve this award for the Person-Most-Changed, but.... not for the reason you think. Last night I got my feelings hurt because I came to this reunion thinking I was beautiful...... and what I find out was that I'm fat...... at least you think I am. But that isn't the biggest change in me. The biggest change is that the old Suzanne wouldn't have shown up here tonight. She would've just gotten thin before the next reunion, and then she would have gotten even. But I'm a little older, and I hope a little wiser than that person used to be.
A lot of things have happened to me. A lot of things have happened to all of us. Sandy Smothers was killed the night before we graduated. Diane Mitchell's got two sets of twins, and Gayland Chadwick's working in the White House. We had a lot of dreams together, and there's no point in pretending....... some of mine came true, and....... some didn't.
I met a little boy from Africa tonight whose family died of starvation, and I realized that I spent the whole day at home worrying about the fact that I had too much to eat. I'm not sure the old Suzanne would have appreciated the absurdity of that, but this one does.
Some of you men wanted to know about my bra size, but i'd rather talk about my heart because...... it's a little bigger than it used to be. The old Suzanne wouldn't have forgiven you for the things that you said, but this one will........ because when I look around this room tonight, I don't see receding hairlines and the beginnings of pot-bellies and crow's feet....... I just see all the beautiful faces of old girlfriends and sweet young boys who used to stand on my front porch and try to kiss me goodnight. And you can remember me any way you'd like, but that's how I'll always remember you.
And so I thank you for giving me this award for the Person-Most-Changed, however you intended it. I'm gonna treasure it because......#1.... I love trophies....... and #2...... I earned it. Thank you. -- Delta Burke as Suzanne Sugarbaker.
*********
And this one...well this one is one of my favorites from the episode where Charlene has her baby and Julia encounters Miss Minnie, a 100+ year old elderly black woman...
MISS MINNIE BELL WARD: ....I thought as I got older, the bold outline of truth would be revealed to me, but it hasn't happened. When I was young, I was in such a hurry. And now, I've been here a hundred years. It seems like only yesterday I held my babies in my arms. I'm glad to be going home. It's been a long time since I've seen my family. And I wish for all of you, all the love and happiness I had in my life -- and I hope the world keeps going toward freedom. And I hope that people everywhere can learn to live together in peace. As my pappa used to say......we ain't what we should be, we ain't what we're gonna be, but at least we ain't what we were..... -- Beah Richards as Miss Minnie
Because there are so many Julia Sugarbaker tirades to choose from that I've decided to post more than a few so everyone can enjoy them...starting off with Crash's desired Ray Don speech.
Julia Sugarbaker Tirades of the Day
MAN: Allow me to introduce myself -- Ray Don Simpson.
JULIA: There's no need for introductions, Ray Don, we know who you are.
RAY DON: (smiling) You do?
JULIA: Of course. You're the guy who is always wherever women gather or try to be alone. You want to eat with us when we're dining in hotels, you want to know if the book we're reading is any good, or if you can keep up company on the plane. And I want to thank you, Ray Don, on behalf of all the women in the world, for your unfailing attention and concern. But read my lips and remember, as hard as it is to believe, sometimes we like talking just to each other, and sometimes we like just being alone. -- from the Pilot episode
*********
Yes, you can give him a message. You do take shorthand, don't you? Good, we take it in the South too. Anyway, just tell him that I have been a Southerner all my life, and I can vouche for the fact the we do eat a lot of things down here........ and we've certainly all had our share of grits and biscuits and gravy, and I myself have probably eaten enough fried chicken to feed a third world country ---- not to mention barbecue, cornbread, watermelon, fried pies, okra, and ...........yes.........if I were being perfectly candid, I would have to admit we have also eaten our share of crow, and for all I know --- during the darkest, leanest years of the Civil War, some of us may have had a Yankee or two for breakfast. But........... speaking for myself and hundreds of thousands of my Southern ancestors who have evolved through many decades of poverty, strife, and turmoil, I would like for Mr. Weaks to know that we have surely eaten many things in the past, and we will surely eat many things in the future, but --- God as my witness - -- we have never, I repeat, NEVER EATEN DIRT!!! -- from the episode Getting Married and Eating Dirt
**********
JULIA: (on phone) Hello, Charlene. I just wanted to thank you again for turning me into the judge. Now, the whole jury is sequestered till Lord only knows when, and I am here in Motel Hell, sharing a room with a women with no lips.
CHARLENE: Julia, I had to do it. We violated that law. By the way, I don't think your supposed to be making telephone calls. I'd hate to have to report this, too.
JULIA: If you are so all fire, heaped up about turning people in, I believe you'll find some overdue library books in my upstairs den. Why don't you just report that too, and maybe you'll get your merit badge, you big 'ole donkey girl scout!
CHARLENE: Now, Julia, you sound overwrought.
JULIA: Yeah, well, you're gonna think overwrought. If I miss my dinner with Jimmy and Rosalind Carter because of this, you're going to pay and pay big. I'm going to find you and hunt you down like a dog! I'm talking about you running through the woods in the snow with blood hounds ripping your clothes off! And remember, Charlene, I have your address. You'd be wise to ask yourself "Do I know where my baby is?"! -- from the episode Miss Trial.
********
I do not think everyone in America is ignorant! Far from it!! But we are today, probably, the most uneducated, under read, and illiterate nation in the western hemisphere. Which makes it all the more puzzling to me why the biggest question on your small mind is whether or not little Johnny is gonna recite the Pledge of Allegiance every morning! I'll tell you something else, Mr. Brickett. I have had it up to here with you and your phony issues and your Yanky Doodle yakking! If you like reciting the Pledge of Allegiance everyday then I think you should do it! In the car! In the shower! Wherever the mood strikes you! But don't try to tell me when or where I have to say or do or salute anything, because I am an American too, and that is what being an American is all about! And another thing.........I am sick and tired of being made to feel that if I am not a member of a little family with 2.4 children who goes just to Jerry Fallwell's church and puts their hands over their hearts every morning that I am unreligious, unpatriotic, and un-American!! Because I've got news for you, Mr. Brickett...........all liberals are not kooks, anymore than all conservatives are fascists!! and the last time I checked, God was neither a Democratic nor a Republican! And just for your information, yes I am a liberal, but I am also a Christian. And I get down on my knees and pray everyday ---- on my own turf --- on my own time. One of the things that I pray for, Mr. Brickett, is that people with power will get good sense, and that people with good sense will get power.........and that the rest of us will be blessed with the patience and the strength to survive the people like you in the meantime!! -- From the episode The Candidate
*******
SHANNON: I asked you to come in here with me because I respect you. I can tell that we're both strong-minded, feminist-oriented women who can be honest with each other.
JULIA: What's your point?
SHANNON: You don't have to feel threatened by me. I'm not gonna marry Reese or take him away from you. I just want to have a relationship with him for a while. Now if you can handle that I promise: there will be no subterfuge or deceitfulness on my part. Can we be friends?
JULIA: You know, Ms. Gibbs, growing up in the rural part of Georgia, I've been around compost all my life. I've seen it loaded onto wagons and tilled and hoed and spread across fields far and wide. But until today, I must say, I've never seen it tied up and gift wrapped in quite so neat and tidy and "pretty" a package. Congratulations. You're a very clever girl. But it's still compost. Now if you'll excuse me, I leave you to dig your way out. You do know how to dig, don't you? You just get down on your hands and knees -- and shovel. -- From the episode Reese's Friend.
Julia Sugarbaker Tirades of the Day
MAN: Allow me to introduce myself -- Ray Don Simpson.
JULIA: There's no need for introductions, Ray Don, we know who you are.
RAY DON: (smiling) You do?
JULIA: Of course. You're the guy who is always wherever women gather or try to be alone. You want to eat with us when we're dining in hotels, you want to know if the book we're reading is any good, or if you can keep up company on the plane. And I want to thank you, Ray Don, on behalf of all the women in the world, for your unfailing attention and concern. But read my lips and remember, as hard as it is to believe, sometimes we like talking just to each other, and sometimes we like just being alone. -- from the Pilot episode
*********
Yes, you can give him a message. You do take shorthand, don't you? Good, we take it in the South too. Anyway, just tell him that I have been a Southerner all my life, and I can vouche for the fact the we do eat a lot of things down here........ and we've certainly all had our share of grits and biscuits and gravy, and I myself have probably eaten enough fried chicken to feed a third world country ---- not to mention barbecue, cornbread, watermelon, fried pies, okra, and ...........yes.........if I were being perfectly candid, I would have to admit we have also eaten our share of crow, and for all I know --- during the darkest, leanest years of the Civil War, some of us may have had a Yankee or two for breakfast. But........... speaking for myself and hundreds of thousands of my Southern ancestors who have evolved through many decades of poverty, strife, and turmoil, I would like for Mr. Weaks to know that we have surely eaten many things in the past, and we will surely eat many things in the future, but --- God as my witness - -- we have never, I repeat, NEVER EATEN DIRT!!! -- from the episode Getting Married and Eating Dirt
**********
JULIA: (on phone) Hello, Charlene. I just wanted to thank you again for turning me into the judge. Now, the whole jury is sequestered till Lord only knows when, and I am here in Motel Hell, sharing a room with a women with no lips.
CHARLENE: Julia, I had to do it. We violated that law. By the way, I don't think your supposed to be making telephone calls. I'd hate to have to report this, too.
JULIA: If you are so all fire, heaped up about turning people in, I believe you'll find some overdue library books in my upstairs den. Why don't you just report that too, and maybe you'll get your merit badge, you big 'ole donkey girl scout!
CHARLENE: Now, Julia, you sound overwrought.
JULIA: Yeah, well, you're gonna think overwrought. If I miss my dinner with Jimmy and Rosalind Carter because of this, you're going to pay and pay big. I'm going to find you and hunt you down like a dog! I'm talking about you running through the woods in the snow with blood hounds ripping your clothes off! And remember, Charlene, I have your address. You'd be wise to ask yourself "Do I know where my baby is?"! -- from the episode Miss Trial.
********
I do not think everyone in America is ignorant! Far from it!! But we are today, probably, the most uneducated, under read, and illiterate nation in the western hemisphere. Which makes it all the more puzzling to me why the biggest question on your small mind is whether or not little Johnny is gonna recite the Pledge of Allegiance every morning! I'll tell you something else, Mr. Brickett. I have had it up to here with you and your phony issues and your Yanky Doodle yakking! If you like reciting the Pledge of Allegiance everyday then I think you should do it! In the car! In the shower! Wherever the mood strikes you! But don't try to tell me when or where I have to say or do or salute anything, because I am an American too, and that is what being an American is all about! And another thing.........I am sick and tired of being made to feel that if I am not a member of a little family with 2.4 children who goes just to Jerry Fallwell's church and puts their hands over their hearts every morning that I am unreligious, unpatriotic, and un-American!! Because I've got news for you, Mr. Brickett...........all liberals are not kooks, anymore than all conservatives are fascists!! and the last time I checked, God was neither a Democratic nor a Republican! And just for your information, yes I am a liberal, but I am also a Christian. And I get down on my knees and pray everyday ---- on my own turf --- on my own time. One of the things that I pray for, Mr. Brickett, is that people with power will get good sense, and that people with good sense will get power.........and that the rest of us will be blessed with the patience and the strength to survive the people like you in the meantime!! -- From the episode The Candidate
*******
SHANNON: I asked you to come in here with me because I respect you. I can tell that we're both strong-minded, feminist-oriented women who can be honest with each other.
JULIA: What's your point?
SHANNON: You don't have to feel threatened by me. I'm not gonna marry Reese or take him away from you. I just want to have a relationship with him for a while. Now if you can handle that I promise: there will be no subterfuge or deceitfulness on my part. Can we be friends?
JULIA: You know, Ms. Gibbs, growing up in the rural part of Georgia, I've been around compost all my life. I've seen it loaded onto wagons and tilled and hoed and spread across fields far and wide. But until today, I must say, I've never seen it tied up and gift wrapped in quite so neat and tidy and "pretty" a package. Congratulations. You're a very clever girl. But it's still compost. Now if you'll excuse me, I leave you to dig your way out. You do know how to dig, don't you? You just get down on your hands and knees -- and shovel. -- From the episode Reese's Friend.
Thursday, November 13, 2003
News from around the world (with a few pithy comments)
Ten Commandments Judge Removed From Bench -- Best quote in the article -- "What message does that send to the public, to other litigants? The message it sends is: If you don't like a court order, you don't have to follow it." -- Assistant Attorney General John Gibbs
College Holding First Dance in 143 Years -- Maybe they should rent Footloose?
O'Donnell Wants $8 Million in Legal Fees -- Because she's gonna lose her shirt on her musical Taboo. Whatever happened to reasonable and customary?
Infamous Cubs-Marlins Foul Ball Up For Auction -- Yeah..."Jim" had better hope that the Chicago fans don't turn on him next.
Taiwan Arrests Trainers at Gigolo School -- You have to be TRAINED to be a gigolo? Who knew?
Ten Commandments Judge Removed From Bench -- Best quote in the article -- "What message does that send to the public, to other litigants? The message it sends is: If you don't like a court order, you don't have to follow it." -- Assistant Attorney General John Gibbs
College Holding First Dance in 143 Years -- Maybe they should rent Footloose?
O'Donnell Wants $8 Million in Legal Fees -- Because she's gonna lose her shirt on her musical Taboo. Whatever happened to reasonable and customary?
Infamous Cubs-Marlins Foul Ball Up For Auction -- Yeah..."Jim" had better hope that the Chicago fans don't turn on him next.
Taiwan Arrests Trainers at Gigolo School -- You have to be TRAINED to be a gigolo? Who knew?
Last night I was heading home from the gym and decided to stop at the Duane Reade to get some orange juice and maybe a Detour bar (I love those things). On the way to the store, I passed by the usual street vendor with his display of $10 watches and knowing how my family loves these things as fun Christmas gifts I decided to look and see what he had.
Now, as I approached the table, these three tourists showed up and they were looking at the watches when one of them asked if he had any fake Rolexes. The two guys looked at each other and one of them wondered if one of them happened to be a cop and the other guy said that none of them could because cops wouldn't be caught dead wearing the faux Burberry (sp?) print pants that one of them had on.
Turns out though, the first guy wasn't talking about the three tourists. He was referring to me. Buzzed hair me. Me who passed for a corrections officer during the San Gennaro to a very drunk zeppole saleswoman. I looked up from their watches and noticed they were both looking at me.
"Nah, he's cool. If he's a cop, he would have said something by now," said the second guy.
"Or he wants a piece of the action," said the first.
I didn't know how to feel about that.
Now, as I approached the table, these three tourists showed up and they were looking at the watches when one of them asked if he had any fake Rolexes. The two guys looked at each other and one of them wondered if one of them happened to be a cop and the other guy said that none of them could because cops wouldn't be caught dead wearing the faux Burberry (sp?) print pants that one of them had on.
Turns out though, the first guy wasn't talking about the three tourists. He was referring to me. Buzzed hair me. Me who passed for a corrections officer during the San Gennaro to a very drunk zeppole saleswoman. I looked up from their watches and noticed they were both looking at me.
"Nah, he's cool. If he's a cop, he would have said something by now," said the second guy.
"Or he wants a piece of the action," said the first.
I didn't know how to feel about that.
Julia Sugarbaker Tirade of the Day
TOURIST: Y'know, the other houses were much nicer than this one. This is boring.
KAREN, THE TOUR GUIDE: Well, this isn't one of our better ones. In fact, the only reason it's on the tour is because this was the home of Lucifer T. Stonewall Sugarbaker. He was a very famous horse thief and Yankee spy. Who's seen Gone With the Wind? Do you remember Belle Watley's house? Well this was the original that it was based on.
TOURIST: This used to be a whore house?
JULIA: Alright!! That's it. This is not a whore house, this is my house. And I've had all I'm gonna take of you. You don't care about history, you just want to sell it. You don't even sell it honestly. You just want to sell the myth.........the myth of the Old South. You all know that myth, don't ya? Happy darkies singing in the field while Miss Scarlet primps around throwing hissy fits. Well that's an insult. It isn't the South. It's an insult to all the people who lived and died here not so very long ago. We Southerners have had to endure many things. But one thing we Southerners don't have to endure is a bunch of bored housewives turning historical homes into theme parks, not to mention ill-mannered tourists with their Big Gulps, Mysties, Slurpees, and Frosties, their dirty feet overflowing rubber thongs, and babies who sneeze fudgecicle juice! Out!! Out of my house!! As God is my witness..........I will burn it down myself before I let you in again!!
(The tourists applaud........)
TOURIST: Wow! Just like the movie!
TOURIST: This is the best house on the tour!
KAREN: (nervously trying to hurry them out) Well.........we aim to please. And wasn't that a wonderful piece of theater.
MARY JO: Well................
JULIA: Well.........
MARY JO: Julia, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I don't think you're gonna be invited to be on the tour of homes next year.
JULIA: Frankly my dear...............I don't give a damn.
-- from the episode "Blast From the Past" of Designing Women
TOURIST: Y'know, the other houses were much nicer than this one. This is boring.
KAREN, THE TOUR GUIDE: Well, this isn't one of our better ones. In fact, the only reason it's on the tour is because this was the home of Lucifer T. Stonewall Sugarbaker. He was a very famous horse thief and Yankee spy. Who's seen Gone With the Wind? Do you remember Belle Watley's house? Well this was the original that it was based on.
TOURIST: This used to be a whore house?
JULIA: Alright!! That's it. This is not a whore house, this is my house. And I've had all I'm gonna take of you. You don't care about history, you just want to sell it. You don't even sell it honestly. You just want to sell the myth.........the myth of the Old South. You all know that myth, don't ya? Happy darkies singing in the field while Miss Scarlet primps around throwing hissy fits. Well that's an insult. It isn't the South. It's an insult to all the people who lived and died here not so very long ago. We Southerners have had to endure many things. But one thing we Southerners don't have to endure is a bunch of bored housewives turning historical homes into theme parks, not to mention ill-mannered tourists with their Big Gulps, Mysties, Slurpees, and Frosties, their dirty feet overflowing rubber thongs, and babies who sneeze fudgecicle juice! Out!! Out of my house!! As God is my witness..........I will burn it down myself before I let you in again!!
(The tourists applaud........)
TOURIST: Wow! Just like the movie!
TOURIST: This is the best house on the tour!
KAREN: (nervously trying to hurry them out) Well.........we aim to please. And wasn't that a wonderful piece of theater.
MARY JO: Well................
JULIA: Well.........
MARY JO: Julia, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I don't think you're gonna be invited to be on the tour of homes next year.
JULIA: Frankly my dear...............I don't give a damn.
-- from the episode "Blast From the Past" of Designing Women
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
You know what....I love the fact that the Rosie trial ended in her not winning a dime. Of course the publishers didn't win anything either but I don't care about that....I wanted Rosie to fall flat on her face. Of course what really cracks me up is that both sides think they have won the case.
Her show is going to bomb too. I feel sorry for the actors who will be out of work in a few weeks.
Her show is going to bomb too. I feel sorry for the actors who will be out of work in a few weeks.
I know Crash wants the Ray Don speech and that's on the schedule but this speech from the episode "Miss Trial" where Julia has jury duty is on tap for today...
Julia Sugarbaker Tirade of the Day
JULIA: Alright, that's 7 to 4; who didn't vote? (woman raises hand) Well, Janice, what is the problem? Did you intend to mime your vote?
JANICE: I'm just not comfortable making a decision yet.
JULIA: I see. And yet you are perfectly comfortable smearing your face with white grease paint and annoying pedestrians all over Atlanta. Interesting. No really, Janice, I think it's time you came to a decision. As a matter of fact, I think it's time you all came to a decision. We've been here almost three days, and apparently you people have nothing better to do then to sit around here hogging up the tax payers' money, eating baskets of fried cheese, and staying at the Fair Price Motel. Which, I understand some of you think is the nicest place you've stayed in a while. Well, let me tell you something, it is not the nicest place I've been in a while. And for your further information, I'm having dinner with a former president and first lady of the United States tonight, because we are all going to be out of here. And the reason we're all going to be out of here, is that this case is very simple. Did any of you listen to the judge's instructions? He practically told us to acquit. The case is frivolous! The defendant was not negligent. Case closed! Q.E.D.! Over and out! Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more! Go up to the table and mark your ballets, and if you don't mark them right, I'm going rip that fire extinguisher off the wall and blow your over-fed, under-read, simple- minded butts out onto the Fair Price Motel parking lot!
NO-LIP WOMAN: I don't think jury members are supposed to threaten each other. I don't appreciate that.
JULIA: Oh, really? Well, I don't appreciate you leaving you big 'ole box of June Allison bladder pads on my night stand for all the maids and bellboys to see! Of course, you don't care if you never get out of here; you don't even have to get up to go to the bathroom! Now, I am passing these slips for the final ballet, and I want to tell you right now, read my lips: Mark your slip wrong, and I will wrap it around a fried cheese ball and shove it down your throat!
-- Dixie Carter as Julia Sugarbaker on Designing Women.
Julia Sugarbaker Tirade of the Day
JULIA: Alright, that's 7 to 4; who didn't vote? (woman raises hand) Well, Janice, what is the problem? Did you intend to mime your vote?
JANICE: I'm just not comfortable making a decision yet.
JULIA: I see. And yet you are perfectly comfortable smearing your face with white grease paint and annoying pedestrians all over Atlanta. Interesting. No really, Janice, I think it's time you came to a decision. As a matter of fact, I think it's time you all came to a decision. We've been here almost three days, and apparently you people have nothing better to do then to sit around here hogging up the tax payers' money, eating baskets of fried cheese, and staying at the Fair Price Motel. Which, I understand some of you think is the nicest place you've stayed in a while. Well, let me tell you something, it is not the nicest place I've been in a while. And for your further information, I'm having dinner with a former president and first lady of the United States tonight, because we are all going to be out of here. And the reason we're all going to be out of here, is that this case is very simple. Did any of you listen to the judge's instructions? He practically told us to acquit. The case is frivolous! The defendant was not negligent. Case closed! Q.E.D.! Over and out! Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more! Go up to the table and mark your ballets, and if you don't mark them right, I'm going rip that fire extinguisher off the wall and blow your over-fed, under-read, simple- minded butts out onto the Fair Price Motel parking lot!
NO-LIP WOMAN: I don't think jury members are supposed to threaten each other. I don't appreciate that.
JULIA: Oh, really? Well, I don't appreciate you leaving you big 'ole box of June Allison bladder pads on my night stand for all the maids and bellboys to see! Of course, you don't care if you never get out of here; you don't even have to get up to go to the bathroom! Now, I am passing these slips for the final ballet, and I want to tell you right now, read my lips: Mark your slip wrong, and I will wrap it around a fried cheese ball and shove it down your throat!
-- Dixie Carter as Julia Sugarbaker on Designing Women.
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
I get emails from MSNBC.com's Jeanette Walls on some of her fun gossip tidbits in the entertainment world. This one had me rolling so I'm sharing. If you haven't signed up for her emails then why not? She's a scream....
Top 20 celebrity lies: Walls' Scoop Newsletter No. 109
Okay, so we all kid ourselves from time to time. We tell ourselves these pants don’t make me look fat, I was just about to dump that man before he dumped me, nobody can tell I’m using tooth whitener. The thing is, Dear Readers, most of us have friends who tell us from time to time that we’re totally full of hooey. The thing about celebs, is no one tells them that. They’re so surrounded by yes men and publicists and fans that they can convince themselves of anything. Thus, Dear Readers, as a public service to the poor deluded celebs, the Kindly Scooper (with thanks to D.L., yes, you’re more clever than I am) has provided this nifty guide.
TWENTY LIES CELEBS TELL THEMSELVES:
1) If I prostitute myself by doing beer ads in Japan, no one in American will now.
2) I may be the far side of 35, but if I wear low-rider jeans, get tattoos, and pump my lips full of collagen I’ll fool everyone into thinking that I’m still young.
3) My fans are tired of me in happy roles and are really eager to see me broaden my artistic horizons – playing serious roles like a homeless person or rape victim.
4) I expect people to pay money to see me wiggle and moan seductively while barely dressed on stage – but those creeps who write me mash notes are real sickos.
5) It’s a degrading role, but the controversy will advance my career.
6) I’m a really talented actor, so that also means that I can also play rock music.
7) If I date someone 20 years younger than me, it won’t emphasize our age difference – it will make people think I’m younger, too.
8) I don’t look anorexic. The ribs sticking out of my side and these cheekbones that could slice bread merely make me look youthfully slim.
9) If women didn’t want to have their boobs squeezed on a movie set, they’d say something.
10) It’s not the biggest role in the movie, but it has the best lines.
11) This hair weave looks really natural.
12) The public is really interested in my political views.
13) These smaller venues don’t mean I’m not drawing huge crowds anymore. I really prefer the more intimate settings.
14) If I walk like John Wayne and date beautiful babes, everyone will think I’m straight.
15) If I put my name on a line of cheapo-clothing, it will not only make me scads of money, it will also make me more famous and loved.
16) The fact that my parents are also famous has actually hurt my career.
17) It isn’t a cult, it’s a self-awareness group that demands total commitment and tons of money.
18) If only I could get out of my contract in this rinky-dink hit TV show, my movie career would really take off.
19) I’m trying to protect the privacy of my children – that’s why I gave them inane names and parade them on the red carpet.
20) This time, it really is love.
Ah, Dear Celeb, the truth hurts sometimes. But I would never tell a lie – white or not so white. Trust me. For I am your friend. (Heh heh.) And I am, as always,
Your Faithful Scooper,
Jeannette Walls
Top 20 celebrity lies: Walls' Scoop Newsletter No. 109
Okay, so we all kid ourselves from time to time. We tell ourselves these pants don’t make me look fat, I was just about to dump that man before he dumped me, nobody can tell I’m using tooth whitener. The thing is, Dear Readers, most of us have friends who tell us from time to time that we’re totally full of hooey. The thing about celebs, is no one tells them that. They’re so surrounded by yes men and publicists and fans that they can convince themselves of anything. Thus, Dear Readers, as a public service to the poor deluded celebs, the Kindly Scooper (with thanks to D.L., yes, you’re more clever than I am) has provided this nifty guide.
TWENTY LIES CELEBS TELL THEMSELVES:
1) If I prostitute myself by doing beer ads in Japan, no one in American will now.
2) I may be the far side of 35, but if I wear low-rider jeans, get tattoos, and pump my lips full of collagen I’ll fool everyone into thinking that I’m still young.
3) My fans are tired of me in happy roles and are really eager to see me broaden my artistic horizons – playing serious roles like a homeless person or rape victim.
4) I expect people to pay money to see me wiggle and moan seductively while barely dressed on stage – but those creeps who write me mash notes are real sickos.
5) It’s a degrading role, but the controversy will advance my career.
6) I’m a really talented actor, so that also means that I can also play rock music.
7) If I date someone 20 years younger than me, it won’t emphasize our age difference – it will make people think I’m younger, too.
8) I don’t look anorexic. The ribs sticking out of my side and these cheekbones that could slice bread merely make me look youthfully slim.
9) If women didn’t want to have their boobs squeezed on a movie set, they’d say something.
10) It’s not the biggest role in the movie, but it has the best lines.
11) This hair weave looks really natural.
12) The public is really interested in my political views.
13) These smaller venues don’t mean I’m not drawing huge crowds anymore. I really prefer the more intimate settings.
14) If I walk like John Wayne and date beautiful babes, everyone will think I’m straight.
15) If I put my name on a line of cheapo-clothing, it will not only make me scads of money, it will also make me more famous and loved.
16) The fact that my parents are also famous has actually hurt my career.
17) It isn’t a cult, it’s a self-awareness group that demands total commitment and tons of money.
18) If only I could get out of my contract in this rinky-dink hit TV show, my movie career would really take off.
19) I’m trying to protect the privacy of my children – that’s why I gave them inane names and parade them on the red carpet.
20) This time, it really is love.
Ah, Dear Celeb, the truth hurts sometimes. But I would never tell a lie – white or not so white. Trust me. For I am your friend. (Heh heh.) And I am, as always,
Your Faithful Scooper,
Jeannette Walls
Julia Sugarbaker Tirade of the Day
I'm saying I want you and your equipment out of here now. If you are looking for somebody to suck pearls, then I suggest you try finding yourself and oyster. Because I am not a woman who does that, as a matter of fact, I don't know any woman who does that, because it's stupid. And it doesn't have any more to do with decorating than having cleavage and looking sexy has to do with working in a bank. These are not pictures about the women of Atlanta. These are about just the same thing they're always about. And it doesn't matter whether the clothes are on or off.........it's just the same ol' message. And I don't care how many pictures you've taken of movie stars --- when you start snapping photos of serious, successful businessmen like Donald Trump and Lee Iacocca in unzipped jumpsuits with wet lips, straddling chairs, then we'll talk. -- Dixie Carter as Julia Sugarbaker on Designing Women.
I'm saying I want you and your equipment out of here now. If you are looking for somebody to suck pearls, then I suggest you try finding yourself and oyster. Because I am not a woman who does that, as a matter of fact, I don't know any woman who does that, because it's stupid. And it doesn't have any more to do with decorating than having cleavage and looking sexy has to do with working in a bank. These are not pictures about the women of Atlanta. These are about just the same thing they're always about. And it doesn't matter whether the clothes are on or off.........it's just the same ol' message. And I don't care how many pictures you've taken of movie stars --- when you start snapping photos of serious, successful businessmen like Donald Trump and Lee Iacocca in unzipped jumpsuits with wet lips, straddling chairs, then we'll talk. -- Dixie Carter as Julia Sugarbaker on Designing Women.
Monday, November 10, 2003
Can I mention that I am in total cuddle whore mode right now? Not into a having sex mode or a piggish whore mode but it's one of those things where I would want to cuddle up on a couch or bed with someone and just relax and rest. It's like that line from the movie I Think I Do: "I didn't want to sleep with you. I just wanted to sleep with you."
Or for those of you that didn't see the movie...remember the episode of Friends where Joey and Ross have fallen asleep together on the couch and Joey proclaims it his best nap ever and keeps trying to get Ross to nap with him again and ultimately at the end of the episode they do and of course everyone is standing there watching...it's sorta like that. Without the friends watching.
Or for those of you that didn't see the movie...remember the episode of Friends where Joey and Ross have fallen asleep together on the couch and Joey proclaims it his best nap ever and keeps trying to get Ross to nap with him again and ultimately at the end of the episode they do and of course everyone is standing there watching...it's sorta like that. Without the friends watching.
There's a reason why I like reading Michael Peck's Watercooler column on TVGuide.com. This is one of those moments (with no rights or ownership implied):
Now, not to minimize the trauma this poor girl and her family suffered; their ordeal was terrible and I was relieved along with everyone else when she was found alive. But after reading accounts of the kidnapping and watching this, I've got questions. Shortly after their daughter's return, Ed and Lois turned around and shielded her from further potentially damaging media exposure by... selling the rights to their story to CBS and writing a book about it. And her uncle's own tome is coming as well.
"Why don't they want me?" Elizabeth asked after producers didn't choose her to play herself in the movie. Hey, she's the victim of an awful crime — and just a kid besides. What's the adults' excuse?
Okay...the fact that Elizabeth wanted to play herself in the movie...well 1) that was just creepy that she wanted to do it, 2) producers actually let her audition, and 3) her PARENTS actually let her audition. I haven't been that creeped out about casting possibilities since it was announced the Joan and Melissa Rivers would play themselves in their life stories. That was just wrong.
No there was something even worse...it was the year that Miss America DURING HER REIGN did a made-for-TV movie about her relationship with an abusive football player. I thought that was in pretty bad taste because...well...wasn't she supposed to be cuddling crack babies or kissing homeless men instead of starring in a film?
And...while I'm at it...I haven't decided whether or not to explain my phone call posts yet. We'll see.
Now, not to minimize the trauma this poor girl and her family suffered; their ordeal was terrible and I was relieved along with everyone else when she was found alive. But after reading accounts of the kidnapping and watching this, I've got questions. Shortly after their daughter's return, Ed and Lois turned around and shielded her from further potentially damaging media exposure by... selling the rights to their story to CBS and writing a book about it. And her uncle's own tome is coming as well.
"Why don't they want me?" Elizabeth asked after producers didn't choose her to play herself in the movie. Hey, she's the victim of an awful crime — and just a kid besides. What's the adults' excuse?
Okay...the fact that Elizabeth wanted to play herself in the movie...well 1) that was just creepy that she wanted to do it, 2) producers actually let her audition, and 3) her PARENTS actually let her audition. I haven't been that creeped out about casting possibilities since it was announced the Joan and Melissa Rivers would play themselves in their life stories. That was just wrong.
No there was something even worse...it was the year that Miss America DURING HER REIGN did a made-for-TV movie about her relationship with an abusive football player. I thought that was in pretty bad taste because...well...wasn't she supposed to be cuddling crack babies or kissing homeless men instead of starring in a film?
And...while I'm at it...I haven't decided whether or not to explain my phone call posts yet. We'll see.
Time for another tribute week....
Julia Sugarbaker Tirade of the Day
JULIA: Excuse me, aren't you Marjorie Leigh Winnick, the current Miss Georgia World?
MARJORIE: Why, yes I am.
JULIA: I'm Julia Sugarbaker, Suzanne Sugarbaker's sister. I couldn't help over hearing part of your conversation.
MARJORIE: Well, I'm sorry. I didn't know anyone was here.
JULIA: Yes, and I gather from your comments there are a couple of other things you don't know, Marjorie. For example, you probably didn't know that Suzanne was the only contestant in Georgia pageant history to sweep every category except congeniality, and that is not something the women in my family aspire to anyway. Or that when she walked down the runway in her swimsuit, five contestants quit on the spot. Or that when she emerged from the isolation booth to answer the question, "What would you do to prevent war?" she spoke so eloquently of patriotism, battlefields and diamond tiaras, grown men wept. And you probably didn't know, Marjorie, that Suzanne was not just any Miss Georgia, she was the Miss Georgia. She didn't twirl just a baton, that baton was on fire. And when she threw that baton into the air, it flew higher, further, faster than any baton has ever flown before, hitting a transformer and showering the darkened arena with sparks! And when it finally did come down, Marjorie, my sister caught that baton, and 12,000 people jumped to their feet for sixteen and one-half minutes of uninterrupted thunderous ovation, as flames illuminated her tear-stained face! And that, Marjorie --- just so you will know --- and your children will someday know --- is the night the lights went out in Georgia!
Julia Sugarbaker Tirade of the Day
JULIA: Excuse me, aren't you Marjorie Leigh Winnick, the current Miss Georgia World?
MARJORIE: Why, yes I am.
JULIA: I'm Julia Sugarbaker, Suzanne Sugarbaker's sister. I couldn't help over hearing part of your conversation.
MARJORIE: Well, I'm sorry. I didn't know anyone was here.
JULIA: Yes, and I gather from your comments there are a couple of other things you don't know, Marjorie. For example, you probably didn't know that Suzanne was the only contestant in Georgia pageant history to sweep every category except congeniality, and that is not something the women in my family aspire to anyway. Or that when she walked down the runway in her swimsuit, five contestants quit on the spot. Or that when she emerged from the isolation booth to answer the question, "What would you do to prevent war?" she spoke so eloquently of patriotism, battlefields and diamond tiaras, grown men wept. And you probably didn't know, Marjorie, that Suzanne was not just any Miss Georgia, she was the Miss Georgia. She didn't twirl just a baton, that baton was on fire. And when she threw that baton into the air, it flew higher, further, faster than any baton has ever flown before, hitting a transformer and showering the darkened arena with sparks! And when it finally did come down, Marjorie, my sister caught that baton, and 12,000 people jumped to their feet for sixteen and one-half minutes of uninterrupted thunderous ovation, as flames illuminated her tear-stained face! And that, Marjorie --- just so you will know --- and your children will someday know --- is the night the lights went out in Georgia!
Sunday, November 09, 2003
Friday, November 07, 2003
It's sleepy time. Sleepy sleepy time.
I've had a bottle of Diet Dr. Pepper (because it tastes more like the real Dr. Pepper) and who knows how much leftover Halloween candy that the boss brought in from his kids and now I just want to do like I did in kindergarten and pull out the little mat I had with my name written on it at the end and curl up and take a little nap.
Is that so wrong?
Maybe I could get some sleep in the bathroom stall.
I've had a bottle of Diet Dr. Pepper (because it tastes more like the real Dr. Pepper) and who knows how much leftover Halloween candy that the boss brought in from his kids and now I just want to do like I did in kindergarten and pull out the little mat I had with my name written on it at the end and curl up and take a little nap.
Is that so wrong?
Maybe I could get some sleep in the bathroom stall.
Thursday, November 06, 2003
Quotes of the Day
You know what happens to people who lie. They get sick and they get cancer. If they keep lying, they get it again. -- The Queen of Nice, Rosie O'Donnell, to former Rosie Magazine head of marketing Cindy Spengler. Ms. Spengler is a breast cancer survivor.
Your mother died of breast cancer. Was she lying? -- Ms. Spengler's response upon being told this by Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm sorry I hurt her the way I did. That was not my intention. -- Rosie O'Donnell outside the courthouse following this testimony.
What a lying cunt. She knew what the fuck she was doing. -- Yours truly about Rosie O'Donnell upon seeing the news stories of it.
You know what happens to people who lie. They get sick and they get cancer. If they keep lying, they get it again. -- The Queen of Nice, Rosie O'Donnell, to former Rosie Magazine head of marketing Cindy Spengler. Ms. Spengler is a breast cancer survivor.
Your mother died of breast cancer. Was she lying? -- Ms. Spengler's response upon being told this by Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm sorry I hurt her the way I did. That was not my intention. -- Rosie O'Donnell outside the courthouse following this testimony.
What a lying cunt. She knew what the fuck she was doing. -- Yours truly about Rosie O'Donnell upon seeing the news stories of it.
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
Okay I need someone to explain to my why the following movie scene is playing out in my head on an endless loop....
Joan Crawford: Why can't you give me the respect that I'm entitled to? Why can't you treat me like I would be treated by any stranger on the street?
Christina: Because I am NOT one of your fans!
Joan Crawford: Why can't you give me the respect that I'm entitled to? Why can't you treat me like I would be treated by any stranger on the street?
Christina: Because I am NOT one of your fans!
And they say the British have no taste...taken from MSNBC.com's SCOOP column with no rights or ownership implied....
"Speaking of Britney, here’s a tidbit from her interview with Graham Norton that you won’t see. The singer was mingling with the audience, when one of them vomited at her feet. . . . "
"Speaking of Britney, here’s a tidbit from her interview with Graham Norton that you won’t see. The singer was mingling with the audience, when one of them vomited at her feet. . . . "
Time for a Bad Poetry Moment
Oh beautiful blue sapphire
I held you in my hand trembling in anticipation
What would I feel
What would I do
What would happen
I placed you on my tongue
With one gulp of water you were sent out
One mission in mind
For a while, disappointment reigned.
No effects.
How could this be?
Then it finally hit me.
Wave upon wave of joy
Flooding over my body
Taking me to a new level of happiness
I laid down exhausted and spent
Thank you oh beautiful blue sapphire
You made my night.
This Bad Poetry Moment was brought to you by Unisom SleepGels which helped me get the first really good night of sleep without waking up seventeen times during the night. Truly a beautiful blue sapphire.
Oh beautiful blue sapphire
I held you in my hand trembling in anticipation
What would I feel
What would I do
What would happen
I placed you on my tongue
With one gulp of water you were sent out
One mission in mind
For a while, disappointment reigned.
No effects.
How could this be?
Then it finally hit me.
Wave upon wave of joy
Flooding over my body
Taking me to a new level of happiness
I laid down exhausted and spent
Thank you oh beautiful blue sapphire
You made my night.
This Bad Poetry Moment was brought to you by Unisom SleepGels which helped me get the first really good night of sleep without waking up seventeen times during the night. Truly a beautiful blue sapphire.
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
Monday, November 03, 2003
Okay the details behind today's Quote of the Day....
At the Halloween party I went to this weekend, the two men I am currently seeing (Kik'e and Chad) were both in attendance. Now I knew this was happening in advance so I was planning to have to deal with the fact that both of them would be there and, most likely, meet and they would learn that I had been dating both of them. Now, since I hadn't formalized anything serious with either one of them then it wasn't that big of a matter to me. A bit stressful perhaps, but nothing too insane for me to deal with.
So that night they met.
And I learned that they knew each other outside of me.
I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole.
Now, I went over to Crash and told him of this new wrinkle which he found funny. However, he had already met Chad earlier that evening when Chad went to go get some hard liquor and was quite impressed with him physically. I gave Crash the go ahead to explore and take it as it comes. The reason I did this was basically because if I had to choose between the two, it would be Kik'e over Chad since Kik'e is more settled, older, and a bit more mature and Chad is planning a move to California next year so why get emotionally involved there.
So, later that night, Chad asks me if I'm dating Kik'e. I have no idea what conversation has taken place between the two but I do admit that he and I have been on a few dates. I don't know how he took this but I do know that sometime during that evening he orally serviced someone (he said he knew them and I think I know who it was and if it's who I think it was then OH DEAH GOTT!) and as I was leaving, he was in the...um...the...um...okay, he was in the sling room (yes, there was a sling present at the party) and was about to have another go around with someone else. Now mind you, he was standing in the room with the guy and it was pretty clear what was going on as I was changing out of my outfit. Personally, I really did care since, as I've said before, we're not in a serious relationship.
Now, sometime during the evening, I asked Crash if he had approached Chad and this is when he gave me today's quote. Chad, he's a really nice guy (resisting the urge to use the word "kid") but Crash notes that Chad talks quite a bit and very fast. This wasn't exactly a high turn on for Crash who then noted that Kik'e was indeed a better match for me. As for Kik'e I spent the majority of my time with him at the party (although I didn't ignore Chad either). Chad did make some comment about me looking sad when Kik'e had to go since he was working all weekend long. I don't think it was because I was sad as much I was just flat out exhausted from the entire week.
So that's the story as much as I remember it...Crash, or others, please feel free to chime in as needed. I'm off to lunch.
At the Halloween party I went to this weekend, the two men I am currently seeing (Kik'e and Chad) were both in attendance. Now I knew this was happening in advance so I was planning to have to deal with the fact that both of them would be there and, most likely, meet and they would learn that I had been dating both of them. Now, since I hadn't formalized anything serious with either one of them then it wasn't that big of a matter to me. A bit stressful perhaps, but nothing too insane for me to deal with.
So that night they met.
And I learned that they knew each other outside of me.
I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole.
Now, I went over to Crash and told him of this new wrinkle which he found funny. However, he had already met Chad earlier that evening when Chad went to go get some hard liquor and was quite impressed with him physically. I gave Crash the go ahead to explore and take it as it comes. The reason I did this was basically because if I had to choose between the two, it would be Kik'e over Chad since Kik'e is more settled, older, and a bit more mature and Chad is planning a move to California next year so why get emotionally involved there.
So, later that night, Chad asks me if I'm dating Kik'e. I have no idea what conversation has taken place between the two but I do admit that he and I have been on a few dates. I don't know how he took this but I do know that sometime during that evening he orally serviced someone (he said he knew them and I think I know who it was and if it's who I think it was then OH DEAH GOTT!) and as I was leaving, he was in the...um...the...um...okay, he was in the sling room (yes, there was a sling present at the party) and was about to have another go around with someone else. Now mind you, he was standing in the room with the guy and it was pretty clear what was going on as I was changing out of my outfit. Personally, I really did care since, as I've said before, we're not in a serious relationship.
Now, sometime during the evening, I asked Crash if he had approached Chad and this is when he gave me today's quote. Chad, he's a really nice guy (resisting the urge to use the word "kid") but Crash notes that Chad talks quite a bit and very fast. This wasn't exactly a high turn on for Crash who then noted that Kik'e was indeed a better match for me. As for Kik'e I spent the majority of my time with him at the party (although I didn't ignore Chad either). Chad did make some comment about me looking sad when Kik'e had to go since he was working all weekend long. I don't think it was because I was sad as much I was just flat out exhausted from the entire week.
So that's the story as much as I remember it...Crash, or others, please feel free to chime in as needed. I'm off to lunch.
Hmmmm I guess the original couldn't be duplicated. Frankly, having watched both editions, the British edition is by far superior. I know they tried hard to make this one work by using the original scripts but I don't think that Lindsay Price could have pulled off the episode of "Jane and the Truth Snake" as well as Gina Bellman (the BBC "Jane") did. Also, Christopher Moynihan...yeah, you're cute but unless you're Richard Coyne (the BBC "Jeff") then you're not Jeff. You were too...um...smart...to be Jeff. Does that make sense?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)