It's time to vent about my love life now. Well maybe not really vent but at the very least have a nice talk about it.

Last night, I spent the evening with a friend I shall call, since he may come across this blog one day, Tom. Tom and I go way back. We're talking back to college days which would be about eight or nine years at this point. When I first met Tom, something inside me clicked and made me say, "This is the man for me. This is someone that I can spend the rest of my life with."

Well, as is usually the case with me, I did nothing. I was too scared of rejection and totally void of self esteem to really do much of anything about it except ogle him from afar. Yes, we did eventually become friends and go out to a few bars and movies together -- but as friends. Nothing more. My friends who met Tom all knew that he was the guy that I had a major crush on and would do nothing about. My reasoning would always be that I wouldn't want to jeopardize the friendship I had with him and I was happier to suffer in silence than to risk losing a friend. Well, ultimately, I would tell Tom how I felt. Sadly, though, I took the chicken way out of it -- I gave him a card with the flowers after one of his performances where I pretty much spilled my guts and told him that I wanted to try to pursue something more than friends with him. He was very gracious and accepting of my feelings but told me that he didn't feel the same way but it didn't mean that we still couldn't be friends.

It was somewhat humiliating.

I knew that rejection was a possibility but I didn't realize how crushed I would be to hear the response that I pretty much knew was coming but I knew that if I didn't get it out of my system then it probably would have ultimately hurt our relationship in the end. We remained friends since then and we've only brought up what happened twice -- both in recent weeks. Last night was the first time I had seen Tom in about a year. He moved to NYC about a year before I took the job that would bring me here but we didn't see each other until over a year after I had moved to the city. In fact, we talk on the phone somewhat regularly but only see each other about once a year. Those meetings have always been great and I haven't had the same feelings I had for him in the past -- until last night.

Last night was one of those nights where we sat around watching clips from some our favorite movies and reciting the lines with them -- well more Tom than me since he's more of the movie fiend than I am. But it was very casual and comfortable and it made me realize that yes, I still do have some feelings for him I need to resolve. Friends in Florida once called us an "old married couple" because we would bicker with each other (albeit playfully) and tease each other as if we had been together for years and we knew just what to say and when. Last night was a recap of the same -- we're curled up on the couch and laughing and having fun but I couldn't help but wonder what our lives would have been like had we actually hooked up back in Florida when I originally proposed that we attempt dating.

I don't know if it would have worked out.

Then today I was at the Gay Business Expo and I ran into many people that I knew but there was one person in particular who knew more about me than I would have thought he would. It's a friend of the guy on the rugby team who has come to a few parties and remembered meeting me (although with more hair) but was more concerned with the fact that he knew my name from something other than rugby. At first I wondered if it was something related to the NYCGMC (with whom I also volunteer) or perhaps something at the Gay Center where the chorus rehearses but he couldn't put his finger on it and neither could I. But something in me wondered if he was doing a little flirting because I know I was (because I'm Southern and that's pretty much what we're bred to do amongst other things) and he gave me his plastic lei and kinda rubbed my shoulder before he moved on.

And I wanted to follow him.

But I didn't.

It wasn't the rejection thing or the fear that I misread the signals because Lord knows if I can miss guys outright cruising me (right, Dee?) then I can definitely misread signals. I couldn't leave and follow him because I had to man the table and couldn't network as much as I wanted to for the rugby team. When I did get to move along and explore, part of me wondered if Paul (well I can use his name because I doubt he will be reading this) was still around and if I would bump into him again. Well sure enough I did. More talking, more flirting. But nothing. What I really wanted to do was plant a kiss on him and see how he would respond to it.

But I held back. I'm demure after all.

In fact I would run into Paul at least two more times and remind him just before we parted for the last time that he needed to show of up for the rugby team's bachelor auction where I would be up for sale and I would need him to bid on me to make sure I had a nice date. He smiled and said he would do his damnedest to show up and I know I'll have to find a way to make sure he shows up. And I still wanted to kiss him goodbye.

Part of me is tempted to send an email to his friend on the rugby team to pass along the word that I think he's cute, smart, witty, etc., and that I wouldn't mind taking him out on a date (although he probably makes a SHITLOAD more than I do as he's a lawyer).

I just might do it.