Monday, February 16, 2004

Quote of the Day (with the following story to make it just one really big post...)

Would you be upset if I went home? I have an overwhelming desire to be in my own bed right now? -- Yours truly to a bedmate last night...


So yeah...after a conversation with SkiGuy that left me more confused than anything else, I, for some reason that I still can't explain, accepted the invitation of a former paramour to head over to his apartment for some mutual fun followed up by spooning together in bed and getting a somewhat good night's sleep.

Big mistake.

In the middle of all of it I pretty much realized that 1) I didn't want to be there and 2) what I wanted really wasn't in that room. Even after we finished and I opted to lay with my back to his chest so he couldn't see the pained expression on my face, I knew it was such a freakin' mistake and that I really...well...I didn't want to be there anymore. I wanted to be home.

All through the cab ride home I kept asking myself why I did it and the only thing that came back to me was because I was doubting my self worth after the conversation with SkiGuy and needed some sort of validation that I was attractive, desirable, etc. (Dating just fucks you up, you know...) I reached down to my cell phone and started flipping through the phone book trying to find someone that would be up at that time of the night and would be a fresh set of ears that would listen to what I had to say but would also force me to face some pretty harsh truths about myself.

Cody.

I shot him a quick text message to see if he was around and he shot back with a message that he was at dinner and if my current state involved one of three of our mutual friends. I replied that he should call me after dinner when he had a chance and that, no, shockingly enough it wasn't.

One of the things that I ultimately decided upon was that I'm sick and tired of being told that 1) I'm such a great catch of a guy that it's only a matter of time before I find my Mr. Right and 2) that the moment I stop looking is when it's all going to happen. Well, you know, everyone, thanks for the pep talk but frankly, I don't find in logic in #2 since I wasn't looking for it in the past six, seven years and absolutely nothing happened then so why the hell is it going to happen now if I stop looking. As for #1 (see I do a lot of things backwards...work with me people)...really and truly, thanks for the compliment, but really...I don't want or need to hear it because all it makes me (and probably everyone else who has been told the same thing) wonder that if I'm so great then why I am still single. Think about it people...

The second thing that Cody tried hard to hammer into my head was the fact that he felt that I was alterting who I am as a person to make things better between myself and SkiGuy. In fact, he's encouraging me to bluntly ask (well maybe not totally blunt but blunt enough) what, if anything, SkiGuy sees in our pairing. Does he see potential but wants to take it slow, does he see nothing and just wants to be friends, does he want to jump my bones the moment that he sees me? Of course we also got into the fact that I tend to go to the "worst place" when it comes to these lapses in sanity and, of course, it's just a protective measure to prepare myself emotionally from getting hurt.

And I think that's what it all really boils down to...I've found someone that I really like (after dating who knows how many people) and I'm scared that he's not going to like me in the same way. It's a very vulnerable position to be in and frankly I hate it but sadly it's a part of my psychoses. After coming on strong with a few guys and seeing how scared off they get by it I've been taking the opportunity to back off and let it grow organically. The trade off is that, yes, I'm suppressing a part of my personality in regards to the amount of contact I have with him, however, when I'm with him I'm not holding anything back. I'm exactly who I am (shocking and possibly scary, I know) and if I was reading the body signals right, then he's interested in me.

Of course, being that I go to the "worst place" in my mind I've traced my insecurities and and perceptions in how our budding relationship has changed to one thing -- asking him to join me for the ski weekend. Trust me I agonized over that decision (as we all know) and yeah, in the back of my mind, I'm wondering if I did the right thing. Hell, as far as I know, he hasn't opened the e-card that I sent him because I haven't gotten the confirmation from Hallmark that it's been read so with that and a whole slew of things running through my mind right now....

So what does this long as hell post really mean...I dunno...I just think I needed to vomit it all out. In my heart of hearts, I think I'm doing the right thing by backing off...I told him to call me before he heads out for his own ski vacation next week. If he calls, I'll be a happy man. If he doesn't...I think I may have my answer...

Ugh I hate how this has put me in a funk...let's change the topic....french fries! Aren't they just yummy!!!
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