Monday, August 28, 2006

A Late Night Conclusion

I did a lot of soul searching tonight. Not sure what brought it on or why I started thinking about it I did come to a few conclusions tonight which while not earth shattering were basic things that I had to admit to myself.

The primary thing I have settled on is that I don't have as many friends as I thought I did. I'm not talking about sheer quantity or how friends may have fallen by the wayside for whatever reason, but I don't have the kind of friends that I thought I had -- the kind that call you up and want to get together for a drink or see a movie or just hang out. I thought I had more of those types of friends but when I really thought about it I don't.

Overall, I have several friends who I consider myself to be close with. Sadly, some of them very far away so I have to settle for phone calls and emails. In NYC proper, I have a few that would qualify in that category but with our schedules not meshing or living father apart than we would like, it's somewhat of the same situation.

I don't consider myself to be an anti-social person however, I do value the time I get to spend on my own doing my own thing. I get asked about the rugby team a lot and while I did have fun with them (I'm taking a hiatus right now so haven't seen any of them in several months), it's not really fun being the rare sober person at the post-match drink ups when everyone is downing beer after beer because you rarely drink (and beer really isn't my thing). There are great guys on the team, no doubt. But I think when it came to them, I ultimately reverted back to my vicious circle that I had in high school -- the more I do, the more I volunteer and raise my hand to help out, the more friends I will have. Well no. They just wind up wanting you to do more. And you do it because subconsciously or psychologically you think that it will gain you friendships. All it gains you is more work.

Also, to a certain extent, I do consider myself to be a private person. Yes, I do talk about certain aspects of my life on this blog but trust me I don't tell you everything. I generally do not open up myself and certain things in my life to people. It's not that I don't think people will understand but I consider some things to be told on an "as needed" basis. Maybe that's part of it.

Do I feel like I'm missing out on something? Sometimes. Then again I was never the most popular person in any group I've ever been a part of nor have I been with the "cool" crowd.

Is this meant to give my friends who know and read my blog a guilt trip? Absolutely not. Friendship, like all relationships, is a two-way street. I'm sure I bear some responsibility as well.

Do I want things to change? To be honest, I don't know. I like having a small close circle of friends. But I'd also like to spend more one on one time with them rather than through emails or phone calls.

Overall, I feel something has to change and I think it has to start with me. Maybe not me as a person, but with me actively reaching out more or being more accessible.

Then again, this could be a sleep deprived post and it's all in my head.
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