We have a security guard in the building where I work that no one likes. Mainly it's because she's a fucking cunt who takes her job way to seriously. If they gave her a gun, I would be scared.
For example, when she first started working, she stopped me and said that I was using someone else's ID badge because, quite frankly the picture didn't look like me. The fact that I had lost about 50 pounds since that picture was taken didn't seem to mean anything to her. I pulled out my driver's license and she decided that of course I wasn't the real me because it had my first name on the driver's license and it was a different name than on my ID. I explained that I used my middle name rather than my first name and that didn't do her any good. Finally, I had to have my boss come down and identify me because she wasn't going to let me go upstairs. As I left, she called after me, "You'd better get a new ID. I may not let you through next time."
I have not changed my ID card since...she still gives me looks and has, on occasion, asked me when I was going to get a new ID card since I still didn't look like my picture. I told her one day I keep the picture on there to remind me of how large I used to be so I would work to never look that way again. Didn't faze her in the slightest. One day she said she was going to take my card from me if I didn't get a new picture on it. Knowing that my company would just print the old picture on file, I said, "Okay," and handed her the card. Sure enough, I got a new card with an old picture and I made sure that she saw that her handywork had failed.
Now, I thought that this was just something between her and me. But I learned that she at some point was having people open their bags for a "random check," making comments about other people's IDs, and holding consultants with official "Visitor" badges pretty much hostage until they could be confirmed that they work in the building. It doesn't matter what door they put her at (there are four entrances to the building), she's a bitch at all of them. Just what you want providing "security" for your building.
Today as I walked into the office, revelling in the fact that I had a pretty easy commute on the first real day of the Republican National Convention (aka the RNC as I will call it), I ran into a coworker (who always comes in at the crack of ass) outside having a cigarette. We chatted for a bit before I started to head in and I heard, "Oh, just so you know, Tina is in rare form today." It was all I could do to keep from turning around and heading home.
I got my badge out of my wallet (with the old picture of course) and flashed it at her hoping that this would be the day that I could pass without having to deal with her.
Great. Fucking great.
"I need you to consume your drink," she said, referencing the practically full bottle of Diet Coke I had in my hand.
"Before you can enter, I need you to consume your drink."
I heaved my biggest "You must be fucking kidding me" sigh, opened up the bottle of Diet Coke, took a swig, swallowed, and opened my mouth for her to see that it was empty because I was sure that was going to be her next request.
"No. All of it."
"You need to drink all of it."
I know I was totally going bugged eyed on her with another "You must be fucking kidding me" look. She wasn't joking and, quite frankly, she was also holding up the line of people trying to get into the building. This is where my evil mind took over and decided that she needed to be taught a little lesson. I unscrewed the top of the bottle, threw the cap to the ground in mock disgust (okay maybe there was no "mock" in that disgust) and started drinking it as fast as I could.
"Okay?" I said showing her an empty bottle and mouth.
She motioned to let me through and at that point I bent over to pick up my bag (which oddly enough she didn't want to check) and I started gagging and gasping for breath until I was laying on the ground writhing and shaking as hard as I could.
"Oh my God! Oh my God!" she started to scream as everyone behind me started tittering because they knew it was an act. Poor Tina went into a panic and had no idea what to do. She finally had her terrorist attack but was woefully unprepared for it. After about fifteen seconds of her freaking out, I sat up and said, "So sorry. False alarm." I picked up my bag and walked to the elevator while everyone behind me was doing their best not to laugh out loud.
I got into the elevator and as they are time delayed during the morning rush I had to wait until they closed before I could burst into my own gales of laughter. Of course, this wasn't to be as one of the women managers on my floor got on a second after me. We had some chit chat until the doors closed and then we just looked at each other and started cracking up.
"I've been waiting for someone to pull something like that on her," she said. "Somehow I just knew it was going to be you."
Well, we'll see what Tina says when I head out for lunch later today.