Moving into my new apartment, I was made aware that one of the roommates' mothers was, for lack of a better phrase, a paranoid schizophrenic. I didn't get all of the major details about the mental problems but I was pretty much made aware that her moods change on a fairly often basis.
When I first met her, I was nice and polite and everything seemed okay. So when I got last night and saw her standing in the kitchen of the apartment, I knew that I was just going to be polite and kind to her and very nonthreatening. Sadly, neither of the roommates (a married couple if you have forgotten) was home at the time which really made me wonder why she was there (more on that later). I explained to her that I had bought the internet router and I was going to set it up on their computer and showed her the box and everything. I set it up and went back to my bedroom where I started the set up on my end.
Of course since I'm not the most technologically savvy people on the face of the planet, I had to call the Linksys tech support and made a few trips to the closet where their computer is in order to get some information off of the back of the router. I explained each trip to the closet to her mother so she would know I was doing legitimate. On my last trip (which would have fixed everything), I learned that her mother had locked the front door on me.
(At this point I should explain that our apartment has two entrances, the main one to the major portion of the apartment and a second one that leads to my bedroom. There's a set of sliding doors which leads to the closet that is in between my bedroom and the rest of the apartment and is the closet that in fact houses their clothes and computer.)
So knowing I just needed that one last bit of information from the back of the router, I went through the sliding doors and sat down at the computer. Well for some reason she came into the closet and pretty much went psycho on me. She screamed, "Why did you sneak in here! You go back through those doors and you lock them or I'm going to call the cops!" I yelled back, "Why did you lock me out of my own apartment?" She of course didn't answer this and started yelling me even more to the point where I just gave up, knowing her mental state, and to a small extent I was kinda fearful that she might get physical. Not that I wouldn't be able to take her on but I knew just to get out.
I got back into my bedroom and got on the phone with the roommate and told her what happened. Apparently she had asked her mother to come over and feed the cats and if she wanted to hang out for a while in the apartment she could. Additionally, I learned later, she was also told that if she wanted to spend the night in the apartment instead of making another trip the next day to feed the cats that she could.
So Female Roomie was incredibly apologetic and offered to come home immediately. She was, I believe, at a bar watching a band perform and I told her not to worry I can hang in my own room until then. Of course that was until I had to go to the bathroom. I went to the front door with my keys in hand and unlocked the door. When I opened it, I learned she had put the chain on the door and I could see Male Roomie's boogie boards had been placed against the door as well.
"Ma'am, I need to go to the bathroom," I said as loud as I could to get her attention. She did let me in to take care of it and as soon as I had left the apartment she relocked and chained the door.
At this point, I got really pissed. She locked AND chained the door to keep me out of my own apartment. An apartment where I pay rent, she doesn't, and basically had no rights. If Female Roomie wasn't coming home to take care of it after the show. I would have called the cops right then because I wasn't going to deal with it. I started wondering if she was going to spend the night (at this point I didn't know about the offer to stay that was made) and if she was going to have the door chained and locked all night. I knew that if she did stay and did keep the door in its locked condition, I was going to walk through the sliding doors to go to the bathroom whether she wanted me to or not. If she dared to call the cops I would sit down and tell her to go right ahead because it would be her leaving in the handcuffs.
Around 10:30, I went outside and sat on the stoop making phone calls to some friends on the West Coast and about 15 minutes later the Roomies came home. I warned them about the door lock/chained situation and gave a small little synopsis of what happened and Female Roomie was still incredibly apologetic. Male Roomie was the first to enter the apartment while Female Roomie and I talked outside as he had to go to the bathroom. When he came back out, he told me that the door was indeed locked, chained, and blocked by boogie boards. He asked her why the door was set up in that manner and she said it was because I kept entering the apartment and going into the closet. He told her that I was allowed to do that since as I paid half of the rent I was entitled to access in the apartment.
Her response: "No, he's not. He's not allowed."
This went on for a while, he said, along with a few more statements from her that she wasn't going to leave the apartment at all becaues I wasn't allowed to go into the apartment and she was going to see to that. No matter how much Male Roomie tried to tell her otherwise she used her threat that we would have to call the cops to get her out of the apartment. I was ready to call because at this point my apartment was being held hostage and I was over it.
Female Roomie went inside to talk to her mother and Male Roomie and I stood outside where we talked about Psycho Mom and some of her beliefs of how her family was under attack because the divine voices told her so. A few minutes later Female Roomie came out to tell me that Psycho Mom was indeed leaving and that pretty much she had been told that she wasn't welcome back because of this. I said that I was going to head back to my room just so we could avoid seeing each other. Female Roomie was again very apologetic about everything and I told her not to worry and we could talk about it when she got back from Long Island.
But here's the freaky part about it all...I keep wondering if she forgot that she's not allowed back to the apartment and each time I hear the gate (or any gate from myself or the neighbors) part of me does wonder if it's her coming back and if she's going to set up camp in the apartment again and lock me out once again. I know it's kinda wrong for me to be thinking that and all but since her mother isn't exactly a Stable Mabel and I have their permission to move in the apartment as I see fit...well....what can ya do???
Saturday, July 31, 2004
Friday, July 30, 2004
Quote of the Day
Hey, let's be careful out there. -- Michael Conrad as Sgt. Phil Esterhaus on Hill Street Blues
Thursday, July 29, 2004
Down the River
Last night I got together with some of the guys from the rugby team for a round of poker...Texas No Limit Hold 'Em Style.
Now mind you, it's been a while since I have played this since the last time I did was in college and we had a max by-in of $5 in change so you didn't feel like you were going to lose too much money over the night. I was a pretty good player back then but I knew that I was going to be a little rusty going into this one.
First few hands I was pretty much dealt crap which meant I had to fold but I got into a pretty vigorous betting match with RuggerJohnnyD and finally went all in on one hand, sadly enough, was unable to hide the smile on my face. It was, enough, however, to make him fold and for me to take the pot and a pretty nice sized chip lead.
Of course that lead was short lived as I got dragged into another bidding war certain that I had the high hand when in fact I was mercilessly killed and sent back down to the minors and had to fight it out again until once again I went all in on another hand only to be called by RuggerJohnnyD, who was the chip leader for the majority of the evening. After the first hour, Alex had gone out and took advantage of the buy-in rule and Coach Harold did the same as well. However, it was Coach Harold who finished out of the money as he went out on a pair of sixes to RuggerJohnnyD's pair of Jacks (or maybe Kings...either way he won).
By this point, it was down to me, Howie (Harold's other half), Alex, and John. Alex was limping with between 50-100 bucks in chips and whenever the blinds came his way he had no choice but to go all in. Since Howie and I were battling for second we were more than willing to let Alex go all-in and finish fourth. Somehow, Alex would always seem to win these life-or-death hands and make it to another round of play.
Sitting in third place, I knew I had to do something in order to take some chips away from John and make my game go a bit longer. Now, granted, I don't remember my exact cards but for the sake of it all, I had a Q-7 suited in diamonds when the flop hit with another queen and another 7 giving me two pairs. I immediately called all in because I was willing to make that jump and at least double up and steal the blinds.
John called since it was really just pocket change to him at this point and he turned over a queen and jack off suit which meant I had the lead. At the turn, no card came up that would help John beat me so it was down to the final card...aka The River.
A jack.
John's two pair beat my two pair and I went from trying to browbeat Alex into fourth place (he eventually did take third) to taking up firm residence (and 10% of the pot for my efforts) as well. If this was celebrity poker this would have been the equivalent of that blonde chick that won the first event pulling out a straight on the river to beat out Paul Rudd's trip sixes. A total suck out.
It was brutal.
But it was fun.
Now mind you, it's been a while since I have played this since the last time I did was in college and we had a max by-in of $5 in change so you didn't feel like you were going to lose too much money over the night. I was a pretty good player back then but I knew that I was going to be a little rusty going into this one.
First few hands I was pretty much dealt crap which meant I had to fold but I got into a pretty vigorous betting match with RuggerJohnnyD and finally went all in on one hand, sadly enough, was unable to hide the smile on my face. It was, enough, however, to make him fold and for me to take the pot and a pretty nice sized chip lead.
Of course that lead was short lived as I got dragged into another bidding war certain that I had the high hand when in fact I was mercilessly killed and sent back down to the minors and had to fight it out again until once again I went all in on another hand only to be called by RuggerJohnnyD, who was the chip leader for the majority of the evening. After the first hour, Alex had gone out and took advantage of the buy-in rule and Coach Harold did the same as well. However, it was Coach Harold who finished out of the money as he went out on a pair of sixes to RuggerJohnnyD's pair of Jacks (or maybe Kings...either way he won).
By this point, it was down to me, Howie (Harold's other half), Alex, and John. Alex was limping with between 50-100 bucks in chips and whenever the blinds came his way he had no choice but to go all in. Since Howie and I were battling for second we were more than willing to let Alex go all-in and finish fourth. Somehow, Alex would always seem to win these life-or-death hands and make it to another round of play.
Sitting in third place, I knew I had to do something in order to take some chips away from John and make my game go a bit longer. Now, granted, I don't remember my exact cards but for the sake of it all, I had a Q-7 suited in diamonds when the flop hit with another queen and another 7 giving me two pairs. I immediately called all in because I was willing to make that jump and at least double up and steal the blinds.
John called since it was really just pocket change to him at this point and he turned over a queen and jack off suit which meant I had the lead. At the turn, no card came up that would help John beat me so it was down to the final card...aka The River.
A jack.
John's two pair beat my two pair and I went from trying to browbeat Alex into fourth place (he eventually did take third) to taking up firm residence (and 10% of the pot for my efforts) as well. If this was celebrity poker this would have been the equivalent of that blonde chick that won the first event pulling out a straight on the river to beat out Paul Rudd's trip sixes. A total suck out.
It was brutal.
But it was fun.
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
The Return of SkiGuy
So...SkiGuy and I finally talked last night.
You're probably wondering why it took so long for me to call him back. Well, I had a problem undertanding his phone number in the voicemail and wound up calling two or three other people and not getting anywhere close to his actual phone number. The kicker of it all is that a few days prior I had deleted his cell phone number from my phone directory.
Smart move, huh?
So there I was last night at a rugby team meeting when my cell phone goes off. Mind you, I don't have a typical cell phone ring. I have Aretha Frankin singing "Chain of Fools" as my ring. This of course brought gales of laughter from my teammates and a little redness to the face from me. It was SkiGuy calling and I felt bad telling him I had to call him back since I was in the middle of a meeting but at least I had the right number this time.
With that call done, I wrapped up my portion of the meeting so I could get back to the office and decided to give him a quick call back. We talked for a while as he was out running errands and agreed to call him back when I got home. Of course, this is in the middle of a torrential downpour and I look like I've wet the front of my pants despite the fact that I'm carrying an umbrella.
Regardless, I got home, took a quick shower, got into some dry clothes and saw that SkiGuy had called. I quickly got comfortable on my bed and called him back. Overall it was a good conversation and it was nice to catch up with him and I resisted the urge to mentally pick out a china pattern with him. However, it was getting late and as we wrapped up he said, "Well, you have my phone number. Give me a call and we can get a drink together."
I'm taking that as a positive sign. If anything, a friendship wouldn't be a total loss. :)
You're probably wondering why it took so long for me to call him back. Well, I had a problem undertanding his phone number in the voicemail and wound up calling two or three other people and not getting anywhere close to his actual phone number. The kicker of it all is that a few days prior I had deleted his cell phone number from my phone directory.
Smart move, huh?
So there I was last night at a rugby team meeting when my cell phone goes off. Mind you, I don't have a typical cell phone ring. I have Aretha Frankin singing "Chain of Fools" as my ring. This of course brought gales of laughter from my teammates and a little redness to the face from me. It was SkiGuy calling and I felt bad telling him I had to call him back since I was in the middle of a meeting but at least I had the right number this time.
With that call done, I wrapped up my portion of the meeting so I could get back to the office and decided to give him a quick call back. We talked for a while as he was out running errands and agreed to call him back when I got home. Of course, this is in the middle of a torrential downpour and I look like I've wet the front of my pants despite the fact that I'm carrying an umbrella.
Regardless, I got home, took a quick shower, got into some dry clothes and saw that SkiGuy had called. I quickly got comfortable on my bed and called him back. Overall it was a good conversation and it was nice to catch up with him and I resisted the urge to mentally pick out a china pattern with him. However, it was getting late and as we wrapped up he said, "Well, you have my phone number. Give me a call and we can get a drink together."
I'm taking that as a positive sign. If anything, a friendship wouldn't be a total loss. :)
Quotes of the Day
Hmmmm....so I was looking through some more classically bad 80s shows and came across the first primetime drama that didn't bore me to tears and I have no idea why....FALCON CREST! So with that, this entire post is the best of lines uttered by David Selby as Richard Channing....
If you're going to shoot... shoot, but don't talk me to death.
Oh, I never eat shark. Call it professional courtesy.
Don't buy a new hat because I'm going to tear your head off!
Are you comfortable Angela? Can I get you anything? Maybe you'd like an arsenic on the rocks.
Lance Cumson: You've destroyed our entire way of life.
Richard Channing Denault: Well, I can only hope.
If you're going to shoot... shoot, but don't talk me to death.
Oh, I never eat shark. Call it professional courtesy.
Don't buy a new hat because I'm going to tear your head off!
Are you comfortable Angela? Can I get you anything? Maybe you'd like an arsenic on the rocks.
Lance Cumson: You've destroyed our entire way of life.
Richard Channing Denault: Well, I can only hope.
Monday, July 26, 2004
The weekend in review
Friday night -- Had dinner with the Wonder Twink. We went to Blue Smoke and pretty much talked about everything under the sun from romance and rugby to politics and growing up. Rat killing came up a few times too. Apparently Wonder Twink thinks that I am going to hell for it too considering that he thinks I wasn't too humane in my treatment of them.
Saturday -- Did not a damn thing. Did some cleaning, some straightening of the bedroom, but other than that, nothing really noteworthy or fabulous. Kind of a boring lazy day around the apartment. The roomies did get their new leather sofa though so it was kinda cool to have that come in and watch them put it together. Other than that, I confirmed plans with Daddy Guy to see The Threepenny Opera (from whence the tune "Mack the Knife" made it's debut) at the Jean Cocteau Repertory the following day.
Sunday -- Woke up later than I wanted to and ran into the city to take care of a few last minute errands. Noticed that my fecal excrement was practically albino (which I know you all really wanted to hear but let's face it...up until that point, it was the entire highlight of my weekend to notice that my shit was looking pretty damn white...). Went into the city and did some email work at the Internet cafe since I still don't have the cable modem at home and met up with Daddy Guy for a pre-show drink.
Now at this point, we entered the theatre and I turned off my cell phone (because it's the polite thing to do ya know) and sat back to enjoy the show. First and foremost, the woman playing Mrs. Peachum had a very sharp singing voice. Everytime she opened her mouth to sing I inwardly cringed. I would have cringed outwardly but considering we were in the front row that would have been rude. Macheath though was pretty damn hot and at one point in the show he pretty much got right into my face and asked if I had been with his Polly as well. It took quite a bit to resist the urge to blow him a kiss. After the show Daddy Guy and I took a copious amount of time staring at him since he was only in shorts and a tank top.
Now, here's the kicker of it all. At the first intermission (it's nearly a three hour show so there are two intermissions), Daddy Guy and I head outside to get some fresh air and I pull out the cell phone to check the time. Turning the phone on the first thing I see is that I have a new message so I go to listen to it and if I didn't have Daddy Guy standing in front of me, I would have fallen down the steps onto the sidewalk and rolled into the street when I heard who had called me.
SkiGuy.
The man who made my month of February pretty damn happy and made me believe in love and romance again. The man who ultimately made me also believe in rejection and heart ache again.
Okay so why did he call me...well I've been somewhat...how do I phrase this...well...I figured, if anything, I would try to salvage a friendship out of what we shared so I would occasionally shoot him an email if something interesting came up involving the Martha Stewart trial and I would sometimes get a response and finally...well...don't ask me why....but I shot him a message saying as follows:
Greetings SkiGuy...just dropping you a quick line to let you know that my sublet in Hells Kitchen is over and I've moved to an apartment out in Greenpoint Brooklyn. Cheaper rent and no more walking to work, but finally a place to call home after last year's fire left me temporarily homeless. I'm still with EvilFrenchBank (or as we are now known, TheReallySuperEvilFrenchBank) and the rugby team. I'm still in physical therapy to get my knees healed enough to play in the fall.
I hope all is well with you and would like to get together for drinks or dinner in the coming weeks. I really enjoyed the time we spent together and would, if you are interested, like to see you again.
Hope all is well. My cell phone number is still xxx.xxx.xxxx.
Brian
Mind you I sent this message on July 5th and he read it on July 7th. I felt it was pretty innocuous and if he never got back in touch with me then it would be fine. I didn't profess any undying love or anything that would make him think I'm more of a freak than I already am.
I haven't called him yet. I'm planning on doing that some time today. Let's let him wait for a while for a response. :)
Saturday -- Did not a damn thing. Did some cleaning, some straightening of the bedroom, but other than that, nothing really noteworthy or fabulous. Kind of a boring lazy day around the apartment. The roomies did get their new leather sofa though so it was kinda cool to have that come in and watch them put it together. Other than that, I confirmed plans with Daddy Guy to see The Threepenny Opera (from whence the tune "Mack the Knife" made it's debut) at the Jean Cocteau Repertory the following day.
Sunday -- Woke up later than I wanted to and ran into the city to take care of a few last minute errands. Noticed that my fecal excrement was practically albino (which I know you all really wanted to hear but let's face it...up until that point, it was the entire highlight of my weekend to notice that my shit was looking pretty damn white...). Went into the city and did some email work at the Internet cafe since I still don't have the cable modem at home and met up with Daddy Guy for a pre-show drink.
Now at this point, we entered the theatre and I turned off my cell phone (because it's the polite thing to do ya know) and sat back to enjoy the show. First and foremost, the woman playing Mrs. Peachum had a very sharp singing voice. Everytime she opened her mouth to sing I inwardly cringed. I would have cringed outwardly but considering we were in the front row that would have been rude. Macheath though was pretty damn hot and at one point in the show he pretty much got right into my face and asked if I had been with his Polly as well. It took quite a bit to resist the urge to blow him a kiss. After the show Daddy Guy and I took a copious amount of time staring at him since he was only in shorts and a tank top.
Now, here's the kicker of it all. At the first intermission (it's nearly a three hour show so there are two intermissions), Daddy Guy and I head outside to get some fresh air and I pull out the cell phone to check the time. Turning the phone on the first thing I see is that I have a new message so I go to listen to it and if I didn't have Daddy Guy standing in front of me, I would have fallen down the steps onto the sidewalk and rolled into the street when I heard who had called me.
SkiGuy.
The man who made my month of February pretty damn happy and made me believe in love and romance again. The man who ultimately made me also believe in rejection and heart ache again.
Okay so why did he call me...well I've been somewhat...how do I phrase this...well...I figured, if anything, I would try to salvage a friendship out of what we shared so I would occasionally shoot him an email if something interesting came up involving the Martha Stewart trial and I would sometimes get a response and finally...well...don't ask me why....but I shot him a message saying as follows:
Greetings SkiGuy...just dropping you a quick line to let you know that my sublet in Hells Kitchen is over and I've moved to an apartment out in Greenpoint Brooklyn. Cheaper rent and no more walking to work, but finally a place to call home after last year's fire left me temporarily homeless. I'm still with EvilFrenchBank (or as we are now known, TheReallySuperEvilFrenchBank) and the rugby team. I'm still in physical therapy to get my knees healed enough to play in the fall.
I hope all is well with you and would like to get together for drinks or dinner in the coming weeks. I really enjoyed the time we spent together and would, if you are interested, like to see you again.
Hope all is well. My cell phone number is still xxx.xxx.xxxx.
Brian
Mind you I sent this message on July 5th and he read it on July 7th. I felt it was pretty innocuous and if he never got back in touch with me then it would be fine. I didn't profess any undying love or anything that would make him think I'm more of a freak than I already am.
I haven't called him yet. I'm planning on doing that some time today. Let's let him wait for a while for a response. :)
Quote of the Day
Still in our salute to the 1980s TV mode...
You see, after I found out she was married I tried to grab my clothes but they were thrown out the window, then I tried to grab my robe which was hanging on a scaffold, then my underwear got caught on a nail and then they blew away. -- Harry Anderson as Judge Harry T. Stone on Night Court
You see, after I found out she was married I tried to grab my clothes but they were thrown out the window, then I tried to grab my robe which was hanging on a scaffold, then my underwear got caught on a nail and then they blew away. -- Harry Anderson as Judge Harry T. Stone on Night Court
Friday, July 23, 2004
Uninspired
I really haven't been inspired to do much writing in the blog lately. You've probably figured that out since I haven't been doing much writing here as of late.
I guess like him and her, I've considered either shutting down the whole operation rather than taking a break that I may or may not return from.
When I started blogging, I was unemployed, looking for work, and needed something to fill the void in my day. Then I got work, it was cool to blog about the weird and offbeat things that would happen in my whacked out life, and get the thrill of doing it surreptitiously at the office knowing that I could be caught at any moment.
But now, over two years later, I'm wondering if I've reached my peak and have just been sliding down the long tortuous path ever since. Yeah we had the good days of me dating four or five guys at the same time, working at various awards shows, and the occasional mention of a little "slap and tickle." There was the occasional theme week in the Quote of the Day but really...why am I here? What's there to talk about anymore?
I dunno. Maybe after this weekend I'll have a better clue as to what's going on. Maybe I'm just in a wee bit of a funk. Hehehehe. I first typed "fuck" instead of "funk." Wow...that's kinda sad to think that's all it took to amuse me for all of four seconds.
Oh well. Funk or fuck...it's all good in one way or another.
I guess like him and her, I've considered either shutting down the whole operation rather than taking a break that I may or may not return from.
When I started blogging, I was unemployed, looking for work, and needed something to fill the void in my day. Then I got work, it was cool to blog about the weird and offbeat things that would happen in my whacked out life, and get the thrill of doing it surreptitiously at the office knowing that I could be caught at any moment.
But now, over two years later, I'm wondering if I've reached my peak and have just been sliding down the long tortuous path ever since. Yeah we had the good days of me dating four or five guys at the same time, working at various awards shows, and the occasional mention of a little "slap and tickle." There was the occasional theme week in the Quote of the Day but really...why am I here? What's there to talk about anymore?
I dunno. Maybe after this weekend I'll have a better clue as to what's going on. Maybe I'm just in a wee bit of a funk. Hehehehe. I first typed "fuck" instead of "funk." Wow...that's kinda sad to think that's all it took to amuse me for all of four seconds.
Oh well. Funk or fuck...it's all good in one way or another.
Quote of the Day
Barnes just broke the cardinal rule in politics: never get caught in bed with a dead woman or a live man. -- Larry Hagman as J.R. Ewing in Dallas
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Quote of the Day -- 80's Style
Alexis is a very complex woman, who seems to inspire passion in people, you either love her or you hate her and she seems to enjoy it either way. -- Linda Evans as Krystal Carrington on Dynasty
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
Early Child Development Homo Prevention Tips
Taken from the lovely parody site LandoverBaptist.Org
1. A boy must not sit on a toilet unless he is having a bowel movement.
Standing straight up, not hunched over while urinating, is a sign of manliness. Squatting on a toilet seat (especially if he hovers to avoid the urine of others or prissily wipes the seat with a square of toilet tissue) to pee is not only effeminate but a sign of shame! It is a secret hobby that homosexuals use in their daily lives. It is a scientific fact that when needing to use the restroom, a male is called upon to engage in the unpleasant undertaking of extruding a poopy in only 1 out of every 3 visits. But homosexuals use all three visits to practice squatting, to limber the cheeks of their bottom in preparation for even the most enormous (Negro) penises. Such calisthenics are neither necessary nor advisable for men who have no intention of squatting over an engorged penis. As soon as your child is able to walk on two feet, you must make that sure he is taught to stand proudly in front of a private or public toilet seat, and to speak not a word, especially in response to the coy whispers of Catholic priests in the next stall.
2. A boy must eat everything on his plate.
But if your son pesters you to serve corn on the cob, hot dogs or sausages, that is your signal to change his diet. Try serving meals that more effectively evoke a hankering for the fragrant delights of the female genitalia. An artichoke stuffed with tuna fish will usually do the trick.
3. A boy must always wear socks, except while swimming.
So-called, "flip-flops" and "sandals," where the toes and ankles are exposed are products that were created during the (homo)sexual revolution. Creation research indicates that these types of provocative "shoes," were invented by homosexuals in San Fransissyco during the late 1960's with fetishes for little boy ankles. Thwart the perverted delight of these pedo-pedophiles with a thick pair of tube socks!
4. A boy must not be allowed to watch cartoons of any kind.
He should spend Saturday mornings sitting quietly by his Father's side (with a respectful 3" between the male bodies), watching sports that don't involved male leotards. He must watch Football, Basketball, Baseball and Boxing. Soccer is not a sport for civilized people and often results in alarmingly long, uncut penises escaping from very alluring satin shorts. Soccer appeals only to poor, uneducated halflings from underdeveloped countries where the women grow mustaches twice as fast as the men. Make your child aware of this. When there are no sports on TV, take your boy out in the backyard and throw the football or play catch with a very hard baseball. Under no circumstances: wrestle in shorts, especially if your son is strapping, handsome and sporting a noticeably turgid crotch.
5. A boy must not play with dolls.
If your boy has a young sister, forbid him from entering her room except for the purposes of the type of ordinary heterosexual experimentation that occurs in any Christian household. If you catch your male child playing with dolls, Landover Baptist Child Psychologists recommended that you shave his head, and sit him out at the end of the driveway with a sign around his neck that says, "I'm a Sissy Boy Who Plays With Dolls – Mailman: Why don't you just go ahead and stick something in my mouth?." This method of prevention has a 99.5% success rate (unless your particular mailman is young and attractive).
6. A boy must not refer to his parents as "Mommy" or "Daddy."
As soon as your boy is old enough to speak, he must be taught to call his Mother, "Ma," or "Momma" or "Mommie Dearest." When addressing his Father, he should refer to him as, "Sir," "Dad," or "Commander." "Mommy" and "Daddy" are what fey, spoiled boys weaned on effeminacy coo, embarrassing you in front of the neighbors by never keeping the palms of their hands below their waists.
7. A boy must always wear thick, white underwear.
White boxers, and/or briefs are acceptable. Your child must be taught that men who wear colored underwear or undergarments that are cut within one inch of the outer periphery of their pubic region or the trough of the valley between the cheeks of their bottom are either European or Homosexual – and in America there is no difference between the two.
8. A boy must never cry or pout.
Crying, pouting or showing feelings are weak and feminine traits. After the natural tears of infancy, brought on by a child's traumatic exit from the spiritual realm of Heaven, to the horrible shock every young man experiences in seeing his very own mother's hairy, dilated vagina, and into this Devil run world we call, "Earth," your boy must be taught to stop crying. It usually takes a normal child several weeks to get over its birth – even when using daily submersions into ice-water.If your child is still crying after three weeks, please drop him off at the Creation Science Laboratory for the remainder of the year and for a determination of whether he is worth having back.
9. A boy must not use brightly colored crayons or any crayons from any colors of a rainbow.
Christian parents should remove and destroy any suspiciously colored crayons from their boy's box of Crayolas. This needs no explanation, as we here at Landover Baptist are all familiar with Mr. Crayola's so-called "alternate lifestyle," and his reason for putting "Pansy Pink" and "Engorged Penis Head Purple" into his boxes are quite obvious. A boy must also draw in straight lines. Some curves are fine, but if you suspect your child of "doodling," and see that he is using more curves than straight lines, please call your Pastor immediately.
10. A boy must not skip or prance.
You must not allow your boy to attend any school where they teach the children to "skip," or play "hopscotch" in Physical Education class. Creation Scientists have proved that such activities are the precursor to cross-dressing, appreciation for poetry, a sardonic display of irony and the rampant shoplifting of skin care products.
1. A boy must not sit on a toilet unless he is having a bowel movement.
Standing straight up, not hunched over while urinating, is a sign of manliness. Squatting on a toilet seat (especially if he hovers to avoid the urine of others or prissily wipes the seat with a square of toilet tissue) to pee is not only effeminate but a sign of shame! It is a secret hobby that homosexuals use in their daily lives. It is a scientific fact that when needing to use the restroom, a male is called upon to engage in the unpleasant undertaking of extruding a poopy in only 1 out of every 3 visits. But homosexuals use all three visits to practice squatting, to limber the cheeks of their bottom in preparation for even the most enormous (Negro) penises. Such calisthenics are neither necessary nor advisable for men who have no intention of squatting over an engorged penis. As soon as your child is able to walk on two feet, you must make that sure he is taught to stand proudly in front of a private or public toilet seat, and to speak not a word, especially in response to the coy whispers of Catholic priests in the next stall.
2. A boy must eat everything on his plate.
But if your son pesters you to serve corn on the cob, hot dogs or sausages, that is your signal to change his diet. Try serving meals that more effectively evoke a hankering for the fragrant delights of the female genitalia. An artichoke stuffed with tuna fish will usually do the trick.
3. A boy must always wear socks, except while swimming.
So-called, "flip-flops" and "sandals," where the toes and ankles are exposed are products that were created during the (homo)sexual revolution. Creation research indicates that these types of provocative "shoes," were invented by homosexuals in San Fransissyco during the late 1960's with fetishes for little boy ankles. Thwart the perverted delight of these pedo-pedophiles with a thick pair of tube socks!
4. A boy must not be allowed to watch cartoons of any kind.
He should spend Saturday mornings sitting quietly by his Father's side (with a respectful 3" between the male bodies), watching sports that don't involved male leotards. He must watch Football, Basketball, Baseball and Boxing. Soccer is not a sport for civilized people and often results in alarmingly long, uncut penises escaping from very alluring satin shorts. Soccer appeals only to poor, uneducated halflings from underdeveloped countries where the women grow mustaches twice as fast as the men. Make your child aware of this. When there are no sports on TV, take your boy out in the backyard and throw the football or play catch with a very hard baseball. Under no circumstances: wrestle in shorts, especially if your son is strapping, handsome and sporting a noticeably turgid crotch.
5. A boy must not play with dolls.
If your boy has a young sister, forbid him from entering her room except for the purposes of the type of ordinary heterosexual experimentation that occurs in any Christian household. If you catch your male child playing with dolls, Landover Baptist Child Psychologists recommended that you shave his head, and sit him out at the end of the driveway with a sign around his neck that says, "I'm a Sissy Boy Who Plays With Dolls – Mailman: Why don't you just go ahead and stick something in my mouth?." This method of prevention has a 99.5% success rate (unless your particular mailman is young and attractive).
6. A boy must not refer to his parents as "Mommy" or "Daddy."
As soon as your boy is old enough to speak, he must be taught to call his Mother, "Ma," or "Momma" or "Mommie Dearest." When addressing his Father, he should refer to him as, "Sir," "Dad," or "Commander." "Mommy" and "Daddy" are what fey, spoiled boys weaned on effeminacy coo, embarrassing you in front of the neighbors by never keeping the palms of their hands below their waists.
7. A boy must always wear thick, white underwear.
White boxers, and/or briefs are acceptable. Your child must be taught that men who wear colored underwear or undergarments that are cut within one inch of the outer periphery of their pubic region or the trough of the valley between the cheeks of their bottom are either European or Homosexual – and in America there is no difference between the two.
8. A boy must never cry or pout.
Crying, pouting or showing feelings are weak and feminine traits. After the natural tears of infancy, brought on by a child's traumatic exit from the spiritual realm of Heaven, to the horrible shock every young man experiences in seeing his very own mother's hairy, dilated vagina, and into this Devil run world we call, "Earth," your boy must be taught to stop crying. It usually takes a normal child several weeks to get over its birth – even when using daily submersions into ice-water.If your child is still crying after three weeks, please drop him off at the Creation Science Laboratory for the remainder of the year and for a determination of whether he is worth having back.
9. A boy must not use brightly colored crayons or any crayons from any colors of a rainbow.
Christian parents should remove and destroy any suspiciously colored crayons from their boy's box of Crayolas. This needs no explanation, as we here at Landover Baptist are all familiar with Mr. Crayola's so-called "alternate lifestyle," and his reason for putting "Pansy Pink" and "Engorged Penis Head Purple" into his boxes are quite obvious. A boy must also draw in straight lines. Some curves are fine, but if you suspect your child of "doodling," and see that he is using more curves than straight lines, please call your Pastor immediately.
10. A boy must not skip or prance.
You must not allow your boy to attend any school where they teach the children to "skip," or play "hopscotch" in Physical Education class. Creation Scientists have proved that such activities are the precursor to cross-dressing, appreciation for poetry, a sardonic display of irony and the rampant shoplifting of skin care products.
Quote of the Day
Dear Mr. President,
A terrible injustice has been done to Martha Stewart. Her only real crime was to be too successful, thereby eliciting the enmity of misguided and misinformed citizens who feel that she represents the face of corporate crime...
--from the online petition to have Martha Stewart pardoned...
A terrible injustice has been done to Martha Stewart. Her only real crime was to be too successful, thereby eliciting the enmity of misguided and misinformed citizens who feel that she represents the face of corporate crime...
--from the online petition to have Martha Stewart pardoned...
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
My eyes! My eyes!
My left contact lens has been bothering me for the past two days and I really had no idea why. It would itch. It would burn. It would sting. Normally I would go for the majority of the day before I had to yank both of them out of my eyes and put my glasses back on.
Today, again the left contact was giving my major problems and the right one was a piece of cake. I went to the bathroom and pulled the left one out to rinse it off and see if there was anything trapped under the lens (for all of two days) that my multitude of washings and rinsings had yet to eradicate.
And that's when I noticed it.
The contact lense was ripped in the middle. And we're not talking about a small rip. It was a pretty good size tear large enough to really make me wonder what damage, if any, I've done to my eye. About eight years ago when I wore hard lenses for my severe astigmatism I had the lens get caught up in my eyelid and every time I would blink it would scratch my eye. I ultimately had to go to the emergency room to get it removed and had to wear my super dorky glasses for three weeks before my replacement lenses could come in. After all, I wasn't going to wear those glasses for longer than I needed to...
So I stood there in the bathroom staring at this tiny imperceptable tear that had been causing me so much discomfort for the past two days just amazed that something so small could have such a big effect...
Then I ripped the damn thing in half and threw it away...
Today, again the left contact was giving my major problems and the right one was a piece of cake. I went to the bathroom and pulled the left one out to rinse it off and see if there was anything trapped under the lens (for all of two days) that my multitude of washings and rinsings had yet to eradicate.
And that's when I noticed it.
The contact lense was ripped in the middle. And we're not talking about a small rip. It was a pretty good size tear large enough to really make me wonder what damage, if any, I've done to my eye. About eight years ago when I wore hard lenses for my severe astigmatism I had the lens get caught up in my eyelid and every time I would blink it would scratch my eye. I ultimately had to go to the emergency room to get it removed and had to wear my super dorky glasses for three weeks before my replacement lenses could come in. After all, I wasn't going to wear those glasses for longer than I needed to...
So I stood there in the bathroom staring at this tiny imperceptable tear that had been causing me so much discomfort for the past two days just amazed that something so small could have such a big effect...
Then I ripped the damn thing in half and threw it away...
Quote of the Day -- 80s Flashback
I described you in terms which were positively glowing, which is exactly how I'd like to see you in Hell. -- Bebe Neuwirth as Dr. Lillith Sternin-Crane on Cheers.
Monday, July 19, 2004
Naked, Wrapped in Plastic Wrap...
...kissing a member of the opposite team, while holding a fish....you may not have believed me when I said I did this...well here's the photograph to prove it....I kinda like how the Saran Wrap made my butt look but that's just me...
Quote of the Day
For some reason we're gonna have a "Remember the 80's" couple of weeks in the Quote of the Day...I don't know why....I'm just a little inspired I guess...so from the show that told us that living on a boat that was guarded by an alligator was cool while driving a Ferrari and wearing linen suits with t-shirt and no socks, and having a few days worth of stubble was the essence of coolness and masculinity....here's today quote...
People in stucco houses shouldn't throw quiche. -- Don Johnson as Sonny Crockett on NBC's Miami Vice
People in stucco houses shouldn't throw quiche. -- Don Johnson as Sonny Crockett on NBC's Miami Vice
Friday, July 16, 2004
Quote of the Day
I don't want to use this as a commercial for my company... -- Martha Stewart following her sentencing asking those who support her to subscribe to "her" magazine and to continue to buy "her" products.
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Quote of the Day
My dad thinks my mom's funny even though she's really not -- she's cute, she has funny quirks. -- Jenna Bush, the illegally beer-swilling daughter of the president.
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
Reality TV and Me
I've been keeping a secret from many of you. I auditioned for a reality show earlier this year and made it as far as being presented to the network executives for possible casting in the show.
But I didn't make it. I never got the call.
For a while I was sad about it all because having never auditioned by myself for a show (I did do an Amazing Race application with my friend Wendi that went nowhere) and to make it THAT far...well I took it as a good sign that I might, just might get cast. But, alas, no phone call.
Today I stumbled across a news article about the Big 3 networks (ABC, NBC, CBS) and how they were complaining that Fox was ripping off their reality TV ideas and doing their own. NBC then announced some of Fox's ideas for new programming and included in the article was the show I auditioned for...
Now, I knew that this was Fox I was auditioning for so the premise was going to have layer upon layer upon layer of shite with crappy twists and turns everywhere. I knew that it was a rip-off of The Apprentice but I never expected it to be this:
"Big Shot being filmed in Los Angeles, appears to be a cross between Spike TV's The Joe Schmo Show and NBC's The Apprentice. On the show, several contestants try to win a high-paying job with a corporate tycoon, as in The Apprentice ... only to learn at the end that the tycoon and the job are both fake, as in Joe Schmo.
The Boston Herald named one of the contestants on Big Shot: Mike Gregorio, whom the Herald described as the "sales sultan" of United Liquors in Boston. We hope his sultanate isn't affected by the fact that Fox is apparently trying to make him and the other contestants on Big Shot into nationwide buffoons."
All I gotta say is....WHEW! My suspicions on Fox were dead on and I'm kinda glad that they never called me back. I mean I know I do buffoonish things on my own (standing in a tree in just my underwear holding a Diet Vanilla Pepsi comes to mind) but thank God it's not on national TV.
But I didn't make it. I never got the call.
For a while I was sad about it all because having never auditioned by myself for a show (I did do an Amazing Race application with my friend Wendi that went nowhere) and to make it THAT far...well I took it as a good sign that I might, just might get cast. But, alas, no phone call.
Today I stumbled across a news article about the Big 3 networks (ABC, NBC, CBS) and how they were complaining that Fox was ripping off their reality TV ideas and doing their own. NBC then announced some of Fox's ideas for new programming and included in the article was the show I auditioned for...
Now, I knew that this was Fox I was auditioning for so the premise was going to have layer upon layer upon layer of shite with crappy twists and turns everywhere. I knew that it was a rip-off of The Apprentice but I never expected it to be this:
"Big Shot being filmed in Los Angeles, appears to be a cross between Spike TV's The Joe Schmo Show and NBC's The Apprentice. On the show, several contestants try to win a high-paying job with a corporate tycoon, as in The Apprentice ... only to learn at the end that the tycoon and the job are both fake, as in Joe Schmo.
The Boston Herald named one of the contestants on Big Shot: Mike Gregorio, whom the Herald described as the "sales sultan" of United Liquors in Boston. We hope his sultanate isn't affected by the fact that Fox is apparently trying to make him and the other contestants on Big Shot into nationwide buffoons."
All I gotta say is....WHEW! My suspicions on Fox were dead on and I'm kinda glad that they never called me back. I mean I know I do buffoonish things on my own (standing in a tree in just my underwear holding a Diet Vanilla Pepsi comes to mind) but thank God it's not on national TV.
Quote of the Day
Why is it whenever I hear Secreatry Ridge talk about Al-Qaeda attacking on Election Day I think he's just substituting "Al-Qaeda" for "Democrats." -- Yours truly being a little cynical last night
Sunday, July 11, 2004
The Proof is in the Prada
I was at the Blogger Bash Friday night talking to the lovely Jahna D'Lish when she brought up this "extreme scavenger hunt" she was taking part in and how she needed an extra person to fill out her team. Since he wouldn't take part, I read over the list of things that could be done and cracked myself up thinking of actually trying to pull some of these things off and for some insane reason I agree to take part and become the final member of Team Exit 9.
9:00 AM
I wake up wondering what the hell I have agreed to do and wonder if there is anyway that I can get out of it. I look around at the few remaining unopened boxes left since my move and the bag of laundry I should really take care of and decide that it's just more fun to go ahead and do this insane scavenger hunt. Mistake #1 of the day -- Making a bad choice in footwear that I would be wearing all day.
11:20 AM
I arrive at the scavenger hunt's starting point and we take our team photo with all of us (sans Jahna) giving the finger the camera. Jahna opted for a more rocker-ish pose. Our team icon (which had to appear in all of the photos) was the dragon from Mulan. The wait then began for the noon start time.
11:45 AM
We were approached by a member from Team Freedom and the Fanny Packs about arranging a time to meet together and knock off item #12 from our list -- Team member making out (yes, tongue) with member of an opposing team worth 40 points per team member in the picture. We agreed to help them and with phone numbers exchanged we said call us in the afternoon and we would set up a time. Team Exit 9 then pondered who they would want to kiss at the appointed hour.
12:00 PM
The event started and we all rushed out of the loft and onto the street. We dutifully lagged behind for a second and finagled our way into completing our first item #43 -- A team member walking through a car wash. I ran in with the icon and stood inside behind the hanging wipers getting drenched in soapy water holding out the icon. We took two one with me running out the icon rather blurry...but we scored early!
12:04 PM
Tick off item #46 as Nancy got behind the steering wheel of an NYC taxi looking way too comfortable and cute. The driver was concerned that we were going to take off in his cab but we reassured him that we just needed the picture and that he could take the keys out of the ignition.
12:10 PM
Apparently we're doing rather well (in our minds at least) as we get another one quickly knocked off when Jay gets a pizzeria to loan us some dough to twirl in the air. Excitement level is rather high.
12:16 PM
We're on fire!! With Juliette's help, I pose as a guy from the Netherlands who is having his first Big Mac and pull off a coup that we believe no one else accomplished as I get behind the counter and into the kitchen of McDonalds and pose with my Big Mac (Item #44). My only regret is that I didn't get someone to loan me a hat to wear. I did utter the only Dutch I can remember which, when translated, comes from "Little Red Riding Hood" and means "the better to eat you with."
12:20 PM
We score again with two in quick succession as Jay and I take on Item #5 -- Two team member simultaneously biting into the same Big Mac in the cereal aisle of a supermarket. Considering how starving I was I then wolfed down the rest of the Big Mac in about three bites. With Jahna looking to get into the walk-in freezer, I opt to stake out the rest of the place and see if I can find something else we can do rather quickly. Sure enough, I come across the unguarded door to the walk-in freezer in the back corner of the supermarket and drag everyone back to the corner where Juliette snags a picture of Jay hoisting a gallon if milk in the air (which he later admitted he should have been drinking) and high tail it out and head up to midtown.
12:30 PM
Coming out of the E train at 44th Street and 8th Avenue we spot a parked police car and realize that if we can find the officer attached to it, we could get 90 points per team member for item #53 -- Team member sitting in the back seat of a police car. Sadly, Juliette can't find the police office associated with the car (although we thought we spotted in him in a store but it wasn't him). We meet up with our official camera man, Ken and see another police officer and hope that it's his car and not the little traffic police cart vehicle we see up the street. Sadly it is his small vehicle and not the big car although he does say that if he sees a police car coming up the street he will flag it down and we can do it then.
While Juliette does her schmoozing, Jahna ran up to Broadway to complete item #55 -- Hold up a sign in front of a crowd in Times Square that reads "You're a cunt!" Sure enough caught in the picture is a woman with a supremely sour expression on her face that qualifies her to be the cunt. Meanwhile we learn that if we head back to the same spot in a few hours, we could possibly do Item #66 and enter an item under the Judge's Choice category of "Best Celebrity Photo" as Bernadette Peters and Mary Tyler Moore were doing event in Shubert Alley for Broadway Barks. As we're running short on time, we bid our police officer adieu and get word that there may be police cars at the police sub-station in the middle of Times Square. With that in mind, we head off because I have to take a piss and that works into Item #27 -- Team member taking a piss.
12:35 PM
We're on the fifth floor of the Marriot Marquis and I stupidly forget that I have to show my face while I'm taking the piss and the picture, while aesthetically pleasing didn't cut the mustard. Interesting to note is that while I'm taking the pic, Jay and I are talking about the shot and it sounds more like we're conducting a drug deal than anything else. When Jay says, "Don't drop the camera in the toilet," one guy who walked into the bathroom immediately turned around and walked right back out without missing a beat.
We do, however, decide to combine Items #34 (All five team members in one bathroom stall) and #15 (Team member's head in a toilet) and we have to wait for one guy to get out of the large handicapped stall at the opposite end of the Marquis' fifth floor. Finally we all cram in and get the shot taken, but not before the toilet flushes with my head in it.
Trust me...it's a moment I'll remember. Of course, as we're leaving we run into a cleaning man who had to hear us having way too much fun in the bathroom.
12:53 PM
We decide to see if we can get Item #20 knocked off -- All five team members shaking hands with five different children. Where do we go? Toys R Us in Times Square. We see three girls heading down the escalator and follow them and get their parents permission to photograph them (along with two other kids). Our reason -- we're doing a scavenger hunt for charity and need this picture. One woman, a tourist with a video camera (natch), thinks it's the coolest thing and videotapes her child having her picture taken. With that accomplished we start to head out....BUT....
12:55 PM
"GAYEST KID! GAYEST KID!" I hear from behind me. Yep, apparently we have an entrant in the subjective Judge's Choice section -- Item #71 - The Gayest Kid. The kid was in a yellow Tommy Hilfiger shirt with the collar turned up, a puka shell necklace, and what looked like fur boots.
"May we take your picture?" Jahna asked him.
"Yes," he said, brooding the entire time. He did this totally disinterested pose (which he was already doing when we saw him) and we told his parents the same charity story and they thought it was rather cool as well.
12:57 PM
We try to get #24 done (Team member sitting on a horse) but the police officer won't let us do it and I suggest we go to Central Park (which we have to do anyway) and get on the carousel. This gets shot down since it says a "horse" which they take to mean a real horse and I say that it doesn't have to be a real horse because it doesn't say the horse has to be real. While I thought it would be a great shot and might get us bonus points. Oh well...the real bonus point shot, though, was just seconds away....
1:04 PM
We head over to the police substation in Times Square but there are no cop cars there. We're about to head to find the first bridal shop for Item #57 (Team member trying on a wedding dress) when Juliette sees this guy walking down the street wearing a shirt that says "Take Your Top Off." Juliette runs back, grabs him, and we throw him into the picture totally unaware of what's about to happen.
Juliette, standing in front of the painted wall that reads "Welcome to Times Square -- NYPD" very clearly behind her, does just what the guy's shirt says to do and she takes off her top exposing her boobs to the world.
"Holy shit!" we hear from the corner as we quickly take the shot with more than a few people looking on. We run up to protect Juliette as she's struggling to get her shirt back in some semblance so it can be put back on. It actually takes longer to put the shirt back on than it does to take the actual picture. We decide that one moment clearly qualifies for Item #67 -- Judge's Choice for Best Unplanned Photo.
1:14 PM
Off we go to W. 39th Street to try on wedding dresses. The first place we looked was by appointment only but Nancy being the smart cookie that she is had another place just down the street that was, apparently, of the warehouse variety. Now, I was initially going to try on a dress and hope that we would get bonus points since I figured that a guy in a wedding gown would be worth it.
I chickened out. I figured that it would be the one moment that someone decided to come barging in while I was in a dress and I wasn't willing to risk it. Besides the fact that there were signs everywhere saying that they didn't allow you to take pictures I was rather nervous and jumpy. With that Juliette, Jahna, and Nancy all got in the dresses and I snapped the picture. Nancy did look adorable with her tiara that had the pricetag dangling from it a la Minnie Pearl.
1:27 PM
With plans to meet Team Freedom and the Fanny Packs at 3:00 for the kiss, we head over to the Midtown South police station to try once again to knock off Item #53 -- Team member sitting in the back seat of a police car. We get lucky in one off-duty police officer coming out who let's us in his police VAN (not car). We all get arranged and Juliette and Jahna decide to go for bonus points and pull their tops up as the picture is about to be taken -- and right as a father and 7 year old son combo comes walking by. The dad hides his son (and keeps looking at the boobs).
The picture doesn't come out well but we do get lucky as a police car is arriving and the off-duty guy goes to talk to his buddy in the arriving car to see if he will let us do it and I am sure that the conversation included something about the girls showing their boobs. We manage to squeeze all five of us into the back seat and with that picture taken, Juliette tried her best to work in Item #52 as well which involved any team member in an NYPD jail cell. Sadly, that one didn't work out.
1:50 PM
We head back to Juliette's office and along the way decide to take on Item #25 -- All team members forming a five person pyramid on a moving subway car between stations. If we had gotten a sixth person (aka civilian, non-player) to join us, we could have gotten more points under Item #30 (aka the six person pyramid).
At this point, I have chugged a bottle of water and decide to take another stab at Item #27 and take a piss. Using the timer and angling my body just right, I got a great shot with a nice arc of piss coming from me. Considering I really had to go to the bathroom and it took three tries, I was just glad to finally be able to go!
We take the before shots of Jahna's arm for Item #4 (Team member getting a tattoo) and Jay's head for Item #3 (Team member getting hair dyed blue, green, or violet). Jahna then runs to the bathroom to dye Jay's hair while I take a before shot of my pubes to get them dyed blue while we wait for the other team to come for the kiss. However, since I am known to trim them down you really couldn't see that I had done anything after working the dye in. Oh well.
Meanwhile, Juliette starts to download the pics so we can see what we have and what is usable since we can only submit a total of 20 pictures for the final judging. It's at this point we get the call that they are five minutes out and we decide that we need to do a combo of things to get some more points. Therefore, in addition to making out with the opposing team (Item #12) we decide to throw in Item #23 (Team member nude wrapped in plastic). Jahna and Juliette duff clothing while we get out the next surprise of the day -- RED plastic wrap. Apparently Juliette didn't notice that she had gotten special colored wrap. Deciding to take one for the team, I drop trou and get my crotch wrapped. I will say this...being wrapped in that stuff is WARM!
3:30 PM
Team Freedom and the Fanny Pack arrives and they're game to go 5 for 5 on the kiss so we just arrange ourselves on the stairs and we've got three guy-girl couples, one girl-girl, and one guy-guy (guess which one I was in?) with three of us in plastic wrap. To top it off, they have the 20 point bonus fish (that we eschewed) that I had to hold up while kissing my guy (and trying not to laugh).
With the pic done and Jahna redressed, sans plastic wrap, and heading up to her appointment to get her tattoo, the rest of us regrouped, rinsed the dye out of Jay's hair, and ran through Juliette's office building looking to complete #17 (Team member smoking inside a public building in front of a No Smoking Sign). After climbing four flights of stairs we found one and quickly did the picture (Juliette lit and puffed my cigarette so it would smoke) and off we went to the subway to head to Central Park.
3:57 PM
We arrive in Central Park in an attempt to take care of #8 -- Two members in their underwear, in a tree in Central Park, holding a Diet Vanilla Pepsi. We also want to go for the horse sitting (Item #24) and the first carriage driver we approach won't let us do it and my idea of the carousel is shot down again. The carriage driver will let us do anything else, but just not on the horse.
So off to find the right tree that's kinda secluded in Central Park. Highly unlikely and just about impossible, but we do find one that's not near a lot of foot traffic and just as I'm about to drop trou and take the shot, Nancy screams out, "There's a police car coming!" We stop with our quick undressing and wait for it to pass so I can pull down my shorts, take the shot, and get redressed. Jay and I are both cracking up over this one.
4:22 PM
"They just called security on us."
This was in the Prada store on Fifth Avenue as we try to bang out #56 -- Team member trying on a Prada suit in a store. Now mind you, I know my suit size -- 46R. So when I found a Prada 46R I tried it on.
It came nowhere near fitting me.
Meanwhile Jay and Juliette are trying on suit jackets while I try to find one suit that fits me. Jay and Juliette head into the dressing room with Juliette giving the line that she knows she's in a men's suit but she likes wearing men's suits and even the salesman who knew something had to be up admitted she looked great. Meanwhile, my great suit search is on and I finally find, of all things, a 58R that fits me. It's the very last suit in the entire store that I look at and the only one that fits me. We run into the dressing room (the only one on that floor) and I throw the suit on and we take the picture with all of us holding up the Prada hangars.
We take the suits off and mumble things about being in town all week, having four hours to come back when they close in an hour...we just burst out laughing when we got out of the store.
5:09 PM
We decide to head over to 8th Avenue and find the Broadway fire house so Juliette can try sliding down a fire station pole (Item #48). Of course, we have no clue exactly where on Eighth Avenue the fire station is and it could be as much as another ten blocks to walk and we have no idea if they have a fire pole. Someone said to call them and ask but since we didn't have the phone number and information couldn't pull it out with just "a fire station on Eighth Avenue" so we opted to head back to Juliette's office so we could regroup on the pics and take quick shots of Items #28 (Team member licking the pole on the inside of an NYC subway car) and #11 (Pie in the face of a team member).
We got word that Jahna's tattoo is done as we head to the subway and tell her to meet us at the office. We head down to the subway and I point us to the express train that's leaving next (even though it's on the uptown platform). However, it's decided that we go to the downtown platform and get on that train sitting in the express lane. While I try to point out the sign was showing the other express train was leaving first, I'm told that the sign was wrong and sure enough it's that train that leaves first. I want to be all triumphant and indignant about being right but I'm just too tired at this point.
We meet up with Jahna and attempt to divide and conquer while I get food, Nancy and Jay try to get pie tins and whipped cream to smash in our faces, Jahna and Juliette start transcribing what they think is the longest soliloquy Shakespeare wrote on Juliette's chest and body (curving around her nipples ad then down her body). Sadly we later learned it was the wrong soliloquy.
6:30 PM
We race out of Juliette's office and grab two separate cabs to take us to the loft where we race through the pics so we can meet the 7:00 deadline. We pick out our 20 shots and when we see other team's pics we know that we are so not going to win. When we see one guy with the soliloquy written on his back (Item #65), wearing the Best Aluminum Foil couture modeled by a team member (Item #64), while being sprayed by a fire extinguisher (Item #10) by someone modeling the Best Suit Made Out of Newspaper (Item #63), with a Dead Pigeon (Item #31), and the bonus point fish as well. Oh yeah we were screwed...
We had a minor panic attack when we thought that we had lost all of the pics but that moment was short lived as the pics were located and we went on deciding what to use. We opted against me in the car wash since I was just standing in the car wash and not walking through it until we saw a guy doing the same thing in a combo photo where a team member was behind the steering wheel of a taxi at the entrance to the car wash and he was standing just inside it....
One team did have a carousel horse in their picture to which their teammate said that no one said it had to be a live horse. I officially pouted for all of four seconds when I heard that since it was my own argument.
7:30 PM
The judging started around this time and frankly the fact that it took nearly three hours to go through all of the pictures really started to get on my nerves. It was probably the only part of the entire day I didn't like because I really didn't know anyone there and after looking at a lot of other teams' photos and reveling in their creativity I pretty much just shut down and did my best not to look at the really odd looking man who was wearing bike shorts that showed off his best physical asset which he occasionally would tug on and say things like how he hoped he got a date out of the entire event. My feet and back hurt and I was really tired.
9:00 PM-ish
We get judged. We earn 500 points for Jahna's awesome tattoo of Gloria Swanson as Norma Desmond, 150 for the Big Mac bite (it was guy-guy which they liked). We got bonus points for the team kiss because I made them go back and realize that we had all three gender combos we got more points. The McDonalds story with the Dutch line went over well as did our infiltration of the Gristides freezer. Jay's dye job was cool because it looked on camera like it had all three color variants (green, blue, violet) and my piss got high marks for the arc of the piss stream. The fact that we were holding the Prada hangars up in our pic helped clarify that it was indeed the brand in question.
Our submission for Gayest Kid lost out to the kid in the Broadway revival of Assassins. While we had the brooding gay kid, the winning team had a flamboyantly gay kid in their picture doing a big Broadway musical-esque show pose. Even I have to admit that the kid was pretty gay. We did win for Juliette exposing her breasts for the Best Unplanned Moment with the guy wearing the "Take Off Your Top" shirt. We do think that Team Pussy (yes, that was their name, and yes, they were lesbians) deservedly won for the Best couture dress made out of Aluminum Foil because that thing was just 1) fucking awesome, 2) amazingly cool to look at, and 3) was just FUCKING AWESOME...even I was jealous.
10:20 PM
The final points were tallied and we had a winner. Given how much my feet and legs hurt and how tired I was at the time...well I was just ready for it to be over. With the commute back to Greenpoint on my mind and never having to take the G train home at a somewhat late hour, I was contemplating which way to get home that would be quicker.
Ultimately we didn't win. We did come in next to last although an argument could be made that we were in 5th out of 7 teams since Team Pussy had a member leave with their score sheet so they had no official score.
11:48 PM
I stagger into my apartment and talk with my roommates and their friends about the scavenger hunt. I opt not to shake their hands since I am just FILTHY and nasty from the entire day. The grime of the city, the sheen of sweat still on my body...ugh. It was just too much to handle. The roomies/friends combo thought it was a pretty cool, fun thing to do...I just wanted to take a shower and head to bed which I promptly do.
2:13 AM
I wake up with a cramp in my leg that really hurts so I spend the next ten minutes or so massaging it out so I can get back to sleep. I then start giggling like a school girl when I think of everything I did in the previous 24 hours and realize that I probably had the coolest weekend I've ever had in a long time.
9:00 AM
I wake up wondering what the hell I have agreed to do and wonder if there is anyway that I can get out of it. I look around at the few remaining unopened boxes left since my move and the bag of laundry I should really take care of and decide that it's just more fun to go ahead and do this insane scavenger hunt. Mistake #1 of the day -- Making a bad choice in footwear that I would be wearing all day.
11:20 AM
I arrive at the scavenger hunt's starting point and we take our team photo with all of us (sans Jahna) giving the finger the camera. Jahna opted for a more rocker-ish pose. Our team icon (which had to appear in all of the photos) was the dragon from Mulan. The wait then began for the noon start time.
11:45 AM
We were approached by a member from Team Freedom and the Fanny Packs about arranging a time to meet together and knock off item #12 from our list -- Team member making out (yes, tongue) with member of an opposing team worth 40 points per team member in the picture. We agreed to help them and with phone numbers exchanged we said call us in the afternoon and we would set up a time. Team Exit 9 then pondered who they would want to kiss at the appointed hour.
12:00 PM
The event started and we all rushed out of the loft and onto the street. We dutifully lagged behind for a second and finagled our way into completing our first item #43 -- A team member walking through a car wash. I ran in with the icon and stood inside behind the hanging wipers getting drenched in soapy water holding out the icon. We took two one with me running out the icon rather blurry...but we scored early!
12:04 PM
Tick off item #46 as Nancy got behind the steering wheel of an NYC taxi looking way too comfortable and cute. The driver was concerned that we were going to take off in his cab but we reassured him that we just needed the picture and that he could take the keys out of the ignition.
12:10 PM
Apparently we're doing rather well (in our minds at least) as we get another one quickly knocked off when Jay gets a pizzeria to loan us some dough to twirl in the air. Excitement level is rather high.
12:16 PM
We're on fire!! With Juliette's help, I pose as a guy from the Netherlands who is having his first Big Mac and pull off a coup that we believe no one else accomplished as I get behind the counter and into the kitchen of McDonalds and pose with my Big Mac (Item #44). My only regret is that I didn't get someone to loan me a hat to wear. I did utter the only Dutch I can remember which, when translated, comes from "Little Red Riding Hood" and means "the better to eat you with."
12:20 PM
We score again with two in quick succession as Jay and I take on Item #5 -- Two team member simultaneously biting into the same Big Mac in the cereal aisle of a supermarket. Considering how starving I was I then wolfed down the rest of the Big Mac in about three bites. With Jahna looking to get into the walk-in freezer, I opt to stake out the rest of the place and see if I can find something else we can do rather quickly. Sure enough, I come across the unguarded door to the walk-in freezer in the back corner of the supermarket and drag everyone back to the corner where Juliette snags a picture of Jay hoisting a gallon if milk in the air (which he later admitted he should have been drinking) and high tail it out and head up to midtown.
12:30 PM
Coming out of the E train at 44th Street and 8th Avenue we spot a parked police car and realize that if we can find the officer attached to it, we could get 90 points per team member for item #53 -- Team member sitting in the back seat of a police car. Sadly, Juliette can't find the police office associated with the car (although we thought we spotted in him in a store but it wasn't him). We meet up with our official camera man, Ken and see another police officer and hope that it's his car and not the little traffic police cart vehicle we see up the street. Sadly it is his small vehicle and not the big car although he does say that if he sees a police car coming up the street he will flag it down and we can do it then.
While Juliette does her schmoozing, Jahna ran up to Broadway to complete item #55 -- Hold up a sign in front of a crowd in Times Square that reads "You're a cunt!" Sure enough caught in the picture is a woman with a supremely sour expression on her face that qualifies her to be the cunt. Meanwhile we learn that if we head back to the same spot in a few hours, we could possibly do Item #66 and enter an item under the Judge's Choice category of "Best Celebrity Photo" as Bernadette Peters and Mary Tyler Moore were doing event in Shubert Alley for Broadway Barks. As we're running short on time, we bid our police officer adieu and get word that there may be police cars at the police sub-station in the middle of Times Square. With that in mind, we head off because I have to take a piss and that works into Item #27 -- Team member taking a piss.
12:35 PM
We're on the fifth floor of the Marriot Marquis and I stupidly forget that I have to show my face while I'm taking the piss and the picture, while aesthetically pleasing didn't cut the mustard. Interesting to note is that while I'm taking the pic, Jay and I are talking about the shot and it sounds more like we're conducting a drug deal than anything else. When Jay says, "Don't drop the camera in the toilet," one guy who walked into the bathroom immediately turned around and walked right back out without missing a beat.
We do, however, decide to combine Items #34 (All five team members in one bathroom stall) and #15 (Team member's head in a toilet) and we have to wait for one guy to get out of the large handicapped stall at the opposite end of the Marquis' fifth floor. Finally we all cram in and get the shot taken, but not before the toilet flushes with my head in it.
Trust me...it's a moment I'll remember. Of course, as we're leaving we run into a cleaning man who had to hear us having way too much fun in the bathroom.
12:53 PM
We decide to see if we can get Item #20 knocked off -- All five team members shaking hands with five different children. Where do we go? Toys R Us in Times Square. We see three girls heading down the escalator and follow them and get their parents permission to photograph them (along with two other kids). Our reason -- we're doing a scavenger hunt for charity and need this picture. One woman, a tourist with a video camera (natch), thinks it's the coolest thing and videotapes her child having her picture taken. With that accomplished we start to head out....BUT....
12:55 PM
"GAYEST KID! GAYEST KID!" I hear from behind me. Yep, apparently we have an entrant in the subjective Judge's Choice section -- Item #71 - The Gayest Kid. The kid was in a yellow Tommy Hilfiger shirt with the collar turned up, a puka shell necklace, and what looked like fur boots.
"May we take your picture?" Jahna asked him.
"Yes," he said, brooding the entire time. He did this totally disinterested pose (which he was already doing when we saw him) and we told his parents the same charity story and they thought it was rather cool as well.
12:57 PM
We try to get #24 done (Team member sitting on a horse) but the police officer won't let us do it and I suggest we go to Central Park (which we have to do anyway) and get on the carousel. This gets shot down since it says a "horse" which they take to mean a real horse and I say that it doesn't have to be a real horse because it doesn't say the horse has to be real. While I thought it would be a great shot and might get us bonus points. Oh well...the real bonus point shot, though, was just seconds away....
1:04 PM
We head over to the police substation in Times Square but there are no cop cars there. We're about to head to find the first bridal shop for Item #57 (Team member trying on a wedding dress) when Juliette sees this guy walking down the street wearing a shirt that says "Take Your Top Off." Juliette runs back, grabs him, and we throw him into the picture totally unaware of what's about to happen.
Juliette, standing in front of the painted wall that reads "Welcome to Times Square -- NYPD" very clearly behind her, does just what the guy's shirt says to do and she takes off her top exposing her boobs to the world.
"Holy shit!" we hear from the corner as we quickly take the shot with more than a few people looking on. We run up to protect Juliette as she's struggling to get her shirt back in some semblance so it can be put back on. It actually takes longer to put the shirt back on than it does to take the actual picture. We decide that one moment clearly qualifies for Item #67 -- Judge's Choice for Best Unplanned Photo.
1:14 PM
Off we go to W. 39th Street to try on wedding dresses. The first place we looked was by appointment only but Nancy being the smart cookie that she is had another place just down the street that was, apparently, of the warehouse variety. Now, I was initially going to try on a dress and hope that we would get bonus points since I figured that a guy in a wedding gown would be worth it.
I chickened out. I figured that it would be the one moment that someone decided to come barging in while I was in a dress and I wasn't willing to risk it. Besides the fact that there were signs everywhere saying that they didn't allow you to take pictures I was rather nervous and jumpy. With that Juliette, Jahna, and Nancy all got in the dresses and I snapped the picture. Nancy did look adorable with her tiara that had the pricetag dangling from it a la Minnie Pearl.
1:27 PM
With plans to meet Team Freedom and the Fanny Packs at 3:00 for the kiss, we head over to the Midtown South police station to try once again to knock off Item #53 -- Team member sitting in the back seat of a police car. We get lucky in one off-duty police officer coming out who let's us in his police VAN (not car). We all get arranged and Juliette and Jahna decide to go for bonus points and pull their tops up as the picture is about to be taken -- and right as a father and 7 year old son combo comes walking by. The dad hides his son (and keeps looking at the boobs).
The picture doesn't come out well but we do get lucky as a police car is arriving and the off-duty guy goes to talk to his buddy in the arriving car to see if he will let us do it and I am sure that the conversation included something about the girls showing their boobs. We manage to squeeze all five of us into the back seat and with that picture taken, Juliette tried her best to work in Item #52 as well which involved any team member in an NYPD jail cell. Sadly, that one didn't work out.
1:50 PM
We head back to Juliette's office and along the way decide to take on Item #25 -- All team members forming a five person pyramid on a moving subway car between stations. If we had gotten a sixth person (aka civilian, non-player) to join us, we could have gotten more points under Item #30 (aka the six person pyramid).
At this point, I have chugged a bottle of water and decide to take another stab at Item #27 and take a piss. Using the timer and angling my body just right, I got a great shot with a nice arc of piss coming from me. Considering I really had to go to the bathroom and it took three tries, I was just glad to finally be able to go!
We take the before shots of Jahna's arm for Item #4 (Team member getting a tattoo) and Jay's head for Item #3 (Team member getting hair dyed blue, green, or violet). Jahna then runs to the bathroom to dye Jay's hair while I take a before shot of my pubes to get them dyed blue while we wait for the other team to come for the kiss. However, since I am known to trim them down you really couldn't see that I had done anything after working the dye in. Oh well.
Meanwhile, Juliette starts to download the pics so we can see what we have and what is usable since we can only submit a total of 20 pictures for the final judging. It's at this point we get the call that they are five minutes out and we decide that we need to do a combo of things to get some more points. Therefore, in addition to making out with the opposing team (Item #12) we decide to throw in Item #23 (Team member nude wrapped in plastic). Jahna and Juliette duff clothing while we get out the next surprise of the day -- RED plastic wrap. Apparently Juliette didn't notice that she had gotten special colored wrap. Deciding to take one for the team, I drop trou and get my crotch wrapped. I will say this...being wrapped in that stuff is WARM!
3:30 PM
Team Freedom and the Fanny Pack arrives and they're game to go 5 for 5 on the kiss so we just arrange ourselves on the stairs and we've got three guy-girl couples, one girl-girl, and one guy-guy (guess which one I was in?) with three of us in plastic wrap. To top it off, they have the 20 point bonus fish (that we eschewed) that I had to hold up while kissing my guy (and trying not to laugh).
With the pic done and Jahna redressed, sans plastic wrap, and heading up to her appointment to get her tattoo, the rest of us regrouped, rinsed the dye out of Jay's hair, and ran through Juliette's office building looking to complete #17 (Team member smoking inside a public building in front of a No Smoking Sign). After climbing four flights of stairs we found one and quickly did the picture (Juliette lit and puffed my cigarette so it would smoke) and off we went to the subway to head to Central Park.
3:57 PM
We arrive in Central Park in an attempt to take care of #8 -- Two members in their underwear, in a tree in Central Park, holding a Diet Vanilla Pepsi. We also want to go for the horse sitting (Item #24) and the first carriage driver we approach won't let us do it and my idea of the carousel is shot down again. The carriage driver will let us do anything else, but just not on the horse.
So off to find the right tree that's kinda secluded in Central Park. Highly unlikely and just about impossible, but we do find one that's not near a lot of foot traffic and just as I'm about to drop trou and take the shot, Nancy screams out, "There's a police car coming!" We stop with our quick undressing and wait for it to pass so I can pull down my shorts, take the shot, and get redressed. Jay and I are both cracking up over this one.
4:22 PM
"They just called security on us."
This was in the Prada store on Fifth Avenue as we try to bang out #56 -- Team member trying on a Prada suit in a store. Now mind you, I know my suit size -- 46R. So when I found a Prada 46R I tried it on.
It came nowhere near fitting me.
Meanwhile Jay and Juliette are trying on suit jackets while I try to find one suit that fits me. Jay and Juliette head into the dressing room with Juliette giving the line that she knows she's in a men's suit but she likes wearing men's suits and even the salesman who knew something had to be up admitted she looked great. Meanwhile, my great suit search is on and I finally find, of all things, a 58R that fits me. It's the very last suit in the entire store that I look at and the only one that fits me. We run into the dressing room (the only one on that floor) and I throw the suit on and we take the picture with all of us holding up the Prada hangars.
We take the suits off and mumble things about being in town all week, having four hours to come back when they close in an hour...we just burst out laughing when we got out of the store.
5:09 PM
We decide to head over to 8th Avenue and find the Broadway fire house so Juliette can try sliding down a fire station pole (Item #48). Of course, we have no clue exactly where on Eighth Avenue the fire station is and it could be as much as another ten blocks to walk and we have no idea if they have a fire pole. Someone said to call them and ask but since we didn't have the phone number and information couldn't pull it out with just "a fire station on Eighth Avenue" so we opted to head back to Juliette's office so we could regroup on the pics and take quick shots of Items #28 (Team member licking the pole on the inside of an NYC subway car) and #11 (Pie in the face of a team member).
We got word that Jahna's tattoo is done as we head to the subway and tell her to meet us at the office. We head down to the subway and I point us to the express train that's leaving next (even though it's on the uptown platform). However, it's decided that we go to the downtown platform and get on that train sitting in the express lane. While I try to point out the sign was showing the other express train was leaving first, I'm told that the sign was wrong and sure enough it's that train that leaves first. I want to be all triumphant and indignant about being right but I'm just too tired at this point.
We meet up with Jahna and attempt to divide and conquer while I get food, Nancy and Jay try to get pie tins and whipped cream to smash in our faces, Jahna and Juliette start transcribing what they think is the longest soliloquy Shakespeare wrote on Juliette's chest and body (curving around her nipples ad then down her body). Sadly we later learned it was the wrong soliloquy.
6:30 PM
We race out of Juliette's office and grab two separate cabs to take us to the loft where we race through the pics so we can meet the 7:00 deadline. We pick out our 20 shots and when we see other team's pics we know that we are so not going to win. When we see one guy with the soliloquy written on his back (Item #65), wearing the Best Aluminum Foil couture modeled by a team member (Item #64), while being sprayed by a fire extinguisher (Item #10) by someone modeling the Best Suit Made Out of Newspaper (Item #63), with a Dead Pigeon (Item #31), and the bonus point fish as well. Oh yeah we were screwed...
We had a minor panic attack when we thought that we had lost all of the pics but that moment was short lived as the pics were located and we went on deciding what to use. We opted against me in the car wash since I was just standing in the car wash and not walking through it until we saw a guy doing the same thing in a combo photo where a team member was behind the steering wheel of a taxi at the entrance to the car wash and he was standing just inside it....
One team did have a carousel horse in their picture to which their teammate said that no one said it had to be a live horse. I officially pouted for all of four seconds when I heard that since it was my own argument.
7:30 PM
The judging started around this time and frankly the fact that it took nearly three hours to go through all of the pictures really started to get on my nerves. It was probably the only part of the entire day I didn't like because I really didn't know anyone there and after looking at a lot of other teams' photos and reveling in their creativity I pretty much just shut down and did my best not to look at the really odd looking man who was wearing bike shorts that showed off his best physical asset which he occasionally would tug on and say things like how he hoped he got a date out of the entire event. My feet and back hurt and I was really tired.
9:00 PM-ish
We get judged. We earn 500 points for Jahna's awesome tattoo of Gloria Swanson as Norma Desmond, 150 for the Big Mac bite (it was guy-guy which they liked). We got bonus points for the team kiss because I made them go back and realize that we had all three gender combos we got more points. The McDonalds story with the Dutch line went over well as did our infiltration of the Gristides freezer. Jay's dye job was cool because it looked on camera like it had all three color variants (green, blue, violet) and my piss got high marks for the arc of the piss stream. The fact that we were holding the Prada hangars up in our pic helped clarify that it was indeed the brand in question.
Our submission for Gayest Kid lost out to the kid in the Broadway revival of Assassins. While we had the brooding gay kid, the winning team had a flamboyantly gay kid in their picture doing a big Broadway musical-esque show pose. Even I have to admit that the kid was pretty gay. We did win for Juliette exposing her breasts for the Best Unplanned Moment with the guy wearing the "Take Off Your Top" shirt. We do think that Team Pussy (yes, that was their name, and yes, they were lesbians) deservedly won for the Best couture dress made out of Aluminum Foil because that thing was just 1) fucking awesome, 2) amazingly cool to look at, and 3) was just FUCKING AWESOME...even I was jealous.
10:20 PM
The final points were tallied and we had a winner. Given how much my feet and legs hurt and how tired I was at the time...well I was just ready for it to be over. With the commute back to Greenpoint on my mind and never having to take the G train home at a somewhat late hour, I was contemplating which way to get home that would be quicker.
Ultimately we didn't win. We did come in next to last although an argument could be made that we were in 5th out of 7 teams since Team Pussy had a member leave with their score sheet so they had no official score.
11:48 PM
I stagger into my apartment and talk with my roommates and their friends about the scavenger hunt. I opt not to shake their hands since I am just FILTHY and nasty from the entire day. The grime of the city, the sheen of sweat still on my body...ugh. It was just too much to handle. The roomies/friends combo thought it was a pretty cool, fun thing to do...I just wanted to take a shower and head to bed which I promptly do.
2:13 AM
I wake up with a cramp in my leg that really hurts so I spend the next ten minutes or so massaging it out so I can get back to sleep. I then start giggling like a school girl when I think of everything I did in the previous 24 hours and realize that I probably had the coolest weekend I've ever had in a long time.
Friday, July 09, 2004
Oh...and another thing...
Sigh...and it's another week...
So...just got word that my internet and cable connection in my new apartment is delayed by another week. It's not really a bad thing as much as it is an inconvenience.
Frankly, there's not that much that I'm missing on TV that I would really want to see (except for the occasional show here and there and the endless loop of Law and Order episodes) but the internet connection is really where it bites the most since I just started my own event planning business and am working on a multitude of projects that require me to be online.
The solution, of course, is to go to the large Internet cafe in Times Square (which I have done...don't really like going there but I do anyway since it's relatively cheap to get a long term pass and then there's the homeless people to deal with who tend to waft in and out and stare at you). I'm using the Internet connection at the office to post my missives to the world as you can see but when it's 9:30 at night and you want to email something out...well it just kinda sucks not having that instantly at my fingertips.
I never really thought about the "not having TV" option as of late. I mean, I have...um...acquired...yeah...acquired, episodes of various TV shows which I've downloaded and burned onto disc and I've spent a few nights going through old episodes of Will & Grace, Friends, Sex and the City. It's kind of mindless but it works. Lots of reading I've been able to catch up on...but there are times when you just want something like an old Match Game episode to sink your teeth into...
Then there's the love life to talk about. Daddy Guy is still around. ExpoMan is there too. There's Doc Man II...that's right, there's a new doctor in town and this one actually lives in town and not at the far end of Long Island where only four or five trains deign to stop each day. I mean, Doctor Man I is a nice guy and very attractive, but at the same time is kinda flaky. Doc Man II is 41 (what is it with me and older men?) and is in the city. Had a nice talk with him last night and hope to do so again soon if not meet up for full out dinner.
So...that's really about it. Been kinda virginal, still dating multiple men. Still trying to settle down. Still trying to make this crazy thing we call life work.
And, trust me, it's work.
Frankly, there's not that much that I'm missing on TV that I would really want to see (except for the occasional show here and there and the endless loop of Law and Order episodes) but the internet connection is really where it bites the most since I just started my own event planning business and am working on a multitude of projects that require me to be online.
The solution, of course, is to go to the large Internet cafe in Times Square (which I have done...don't really like going there but I do anyway since it's relatively cheap to get a long term pass and then there's the homeless people to deal with who tend to waft in and out and stare at you). I'm using the Internet connection at the office to post my missives to the world as you can see but when it's 9:30 at night and you want to email something out...well it just kinda sucks not having that instantly at my fingertips.
I never really thought about the "not having TV" option as of late. I mean, I have...um...acquired...yeah...acquired, episodes of various TV shows which I've downloaded and burned onto disc and I've spent a few nights going through old episodes of Will & Grace, Friends, Sex and the City. It's kind of mindless but it works. Lots of reading I've been able to catch up on...but there are times when you just want something like an old Match Game episode to sink your teeth into...
Then there's the love life to talk about. Daddy Guy is still around. ExpoMan is there too. There's Doc Man II...that's right, there's a new doctor in town and this one actually lives in town and not at the far end of Long Island where only four or five trains deign to stop each day. I mean, Doctor Man I is a nice guy and very attractive, but at the same time is kinda flaky. Doc Man II is 41 (what is it with me and older men?) and is in the city. Had a nice talk with him last night and hope to do so again soon if not meet up for full out dinner.
So...that's really about it. Been kinda virginal, still dating multiple men. Still trying to settle down. Still trying to make this crazy thing we call life work.
And, trust me, it's work.
Quote of the Day
Hey, you wanna hear my philosophy of life? Do it to him before he does it to you. -- Marlon Brando in On the Waterfront
Thursday, July 08, 2004
Quote of the Day
Romance, fini. Your chance, fini. Those ants that invaded my pants, fini. Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered no more. -- From the song "Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered" as crooned to me this morning by Ella Fitzgerald
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
U-Haul, Satan, and the Revolt
So let's speed ourselves through the hell known as THE MOVE...I don't want to talk about it much as it has probably left indelible scars that not even the warblings of Celine Dion can take away...
We (meaning me and Wrestler Guy...remember him....super hot stud with a great ass that I no longer have the hots for and count as one of my dearest friends) went to go pick up the U-Haul. As Wrestler Guy was driving he had to be with me to pick up the U-Haul and he warned me there would be a line. He was right. There was a 2 hour line to just PICK UP the damn thing.
We finally make our way to the front of the line and the woman behind the counter says she can't find my reservation number in the system which I tell her is total BS since I called the station earlier that day myself (showing her the information I had printed out) and they had agreed that I did indeed have a truck waiting for me. Wrestler Guy was forced to leave his work ID behind for the truck because he was the one that was driving it and that at nearly 8PM it wasn't going to be possible for him to have his work information validated. The woman then made some snide comment about reserving a time to pick up the truck to which I said I had and the time I reserved was almost two hours ago when I arrived.
After more arguing (they were out of utility dollies so I had to get the more expensive appliance dolly to use and I wasn't going to pay the higher charge because they didn't have the equipment handy that I reserved to which they said it was first come, first serve to which I said, fuck that, I'm paying the lower amount because it's not my fault they didn't have enough on hand)...FINALLY we got to the apartment and started loading in the truck. It took a little under two hours and we had to get a little creative with some of the packing to make room for everything (despite the fact that not everything ultimately wound up in the apartment) but we got it all in and we left the U-Haul locked and in a garage. I couldn't get into the apartment until the following afternoon so it was the safest place for it to be.
I called U-Haul the next morning to let them know that I was having problems getting into the building (yes it was a lie but they didn't need to know that) since the landlord hadn't arrived with the keys to let me in and therefore it was going to be returned a little late. The woman I spoke to was all up in arms about the fact that the truck wasn't back in time and how other people were going to be inconvenienced and that if it didn't come back by that evening they were going to put out a stolen vehicle alert for it.
At this point I was pretty much a wreck since I was stressing about getting out of work, picking my friend up to move stuff into the apartment, and getting the truck back on time and was pretty close to a breakdown of big boo hoo tears. I told the woman I thought I was doing the right thing by calling her to let them know it was taking longer than I thought and it would be back as soon as possible but she didn't want to hear that. She went on and on about the stolen vehicle report and how I would be arrested to the point where I just blurted out that I didn't care what she put on my file that I would get it back as soon as possible and that nothing could really be done about it.
She hung up on me.
I called back, called her a cunt, and hung up. Thank God they thought my name was Jason.
Finally, I left work and picked up my friend Gio and we headed off on the really long trip crosstown to get to the Midtown Tunnel. We didn't realize we were in the "Cars Only" lane and was going to have to redirect ourselves around to the next turn which we also missed because we didn't realize we could turn where they sent us. So off on another long trip around the block and we finally made it through the tunnel and on our way. It took an hour and half to leave Manhattan. It took ten minutes to get to the apartment in Brooklyn. How's that for traffic?
We got to the apartment and the husband of the couple I am moving in with (not in that kinky three way type either) was there and he knocked on the door to my new bedroom to see if the chick who lived there was still in.
"Hello?"
WHAT??? She was still there??? It was past 5:00 and she was supposed to be out by then!!! Why was she still there??? (Answer to that in a moment)
She did, however, let us start moving stuff in and the room started to get filled VERY quickly so she opted to start moving stuff out to make room for us. Turns out that her friends were going to help her move and they hadn't arrived yet with the company van which is why she was delayed. She did have high remarks for the neighborhood and the people I was moving in with which was good to know. Ultimately as we were done moving stuff, her friends were just a few minutes out so she got the privelege of our parking spot while I sped back to Manhattan to return the truck.
Now mind you, at this point it's just after 6:00 and I have plenty of time to get the truck back. I was just so tired I said "fuck it" to refilling it with gas and just wanted to be done with it. So what if I paid a $20 fee...I didn't want to see that truck ever again. So I pulled in to the station and there was no one there to accept the truck so I just walked in and stood in line. Ten minutes later a female employee (who was leaving....please note...leaving) said that everyone holding keys had to go back outside and check their trucks in first so it was back outside to do just that and get the slip that basically said that they had the truck and my nightmare was over.
Or was it.
They had only two people working the counters -- one person checking trucks in and one person checking them out. As I got in line, the woman checking trucks back in called for the next person in line. Forty five minutes later she was still with that person. One of the women behind me (and yes, I'll say it...she was of the "pushy Jewish" variety) got fed up waiting and went outside to get someone to get a manager. Her thought being that she was paying by credit card, they had the truck, they had the equipment, they had everything, why should she wait when they were just going to charge her card anyway?
I liked this woman.
She got a manager (or someone at least posing as a manager) to come out and accept her paperwork which he stapled and laid on a pile of other work and then he left. Left as in "Adios I am gone for the day" kind of left. We were pissed. We wanted to do it too. We just wanted to drop off our paperwork and leave.
The revolt was in motion.
I went with this other woman to the back office where Pushy Jewish Woman (and trust me I thank her for being that as I would have been there for another two hours) had gone and we pretty much complained our heads off that there was no need for us to stand in line if they were going to charge us on our cards and they had hte truck. This went on for a while longer and we were joined by the six other people in line who were insistent that we weren't going to stand for slow service when we could just drop off our paperwork and go.
But what really got me was that the woman who was taking our paperwork was in a big huff that we were actually making her do work (or at least so it seemed). I mean...forty five minutes with ONE customer is a bit much, no? They made some feeble excuse about it being the first of the month and the evening which was always a busy time to which someone shouted out that if they knew that then they should have more people on staff to accomodate for that.
Ultimately, we all got our paperwork handed in and I got Wrestler Guy's ID card back and off we went. I did stop one woman who as returning a truck and told her to hurry to where the guy in line behind me was standing and just turn in her paperwork or she would be in line forever.
I was smelly. I was dirty. I was tired. But the best part of the day came when an old fuck buddy called me to say he was in town and wanted to meet up.
That was some of the best sex I've had in a while. Maybe it was because I was just so tired and needed a little rest. Maybe it was because I just needed to do something that wasn't move related. Maybe it was just because I was horny (which I really wasn't but it didn't take long after his call).
Either way I'm moved in...I'm about 90% unpacked and all I need is the cable and internet connections to make it truly home. Yeah it's smaller than where I was before and I don't get to walk to work anymore but it's cheaper (about $500 a month cheaper) and it's finally a place to call my own...really my own...after the fire. No more sublets. No more smoke. Just a nice feeling of settlement that I haven't had in a while.
Sigh....it's a good thing.
We (meaning me and Wrestler Guy...remember him....super hot stud with a great ass that I no longer have the hots for and count as one of my dearest friends) went to go pick up the U-Haul. As Wrestler Guy was driving he had to be with me to pick up the U-Haul and he warned me there would be a line. He was right. There was a 2 hour line to just PICK UP the damn thing.
We finally make our way to the front of the line and the woman behind the counter says she can't find my reservation number in the system which I tell her is total BS since I called the station earlier that day myself (showing her the information I had printed out) and they had agreed that I did indeed have a truck waiting for me. Wrestler Guy was forced to leave his work ID behind for the truck because he was the one that was driving it and that at nearly 8PM it wasn't going to be possible for him to have his work information validated. The woman then made some snide comment about reserving a time to pick up the truck to which I said I had and the time I reserved was almost two hours ago when I arrived.
After more arguing (they were out of utility dollies so I had to get the more expensive appliance dolly to use and I wasn't going to pay the higher charge because they didn't have the equipment handy that I reserved to which they said it was first come, first serve to which I said, fuck that, I'm paying the lower amount because it's not my fault they didn't have enough on hand)...FINALLY we got to the apartment and started loading in the truck. It took a little under two hours and we had to get a little creative with some of the packing to make room for everything (despite the fact that not everything ultimately wound up in the apartment) but we got it all in and we left the U-Haul locked and in a garage. I couldn't get into the apartment until the following afternoon so it was the safest place for it to be.
I called U-Haul the next morning to let them know that I was having problems getting into the building (yes it was a lie but they didn't need to know that) since the landlord hadn't arrived with the keys to let me in and therefore it was going to be returned a little late. The woman I spoke to was all up in arms about the fact that the truck wasn't back in time and how other people were going to be inconvenienced and that if it didn't come back by that evening they were going to put out a stolen vehicle alert for it.
At this point I was pretty much a wreck since I was stressing about getting out of work, picking my friend up to move stuff into the apartment, and getting the truck back on time and was pretty close to a breakdown of big boo hoo tears. I told the woman I thought I was doing the right thing by calling her to let them know it was taking longer than I thought and it would be back as soon as possible but she didn't want to hear that. She went on and on about the stolen vehicle report and how I would be arrested to the point where I just blurted out that I didn't care what she put on my file that I would get it back as soon as possible and that nothing could really be done about it.
She hung up on me.
I called back, called her a cunt, and hung up. Thank God they thought my name was Jason.
Finally, I left work and picked up my friend Gio and we headed off on the really long trip crosstown to get to the Midtown Tunnel. We didn't realize we were in the "Cars Only" lane and was going to have to redirect ourselves around to the next turn which we also missed because we didn't realize we could turn where they sent us. So off on another long trip around the block and we finally made it through the tunnel and on our way. It took an hour and half to leave Manhattan. It took ten minutes to get to the apartment in Brooklyn. How's that for traffic?
We got to the apartment and the husband of the couple I am moving in with (not in that kinky three way type either) was there and he knocked on the door to my new bedroom to see if the chick who lived there was still in.
"Hello?"
WHAT??? She was still there??? It was past 5:00 and she was supposed to be out by then!!! Why was she still there??? (Answer to that in a moment)
She did, however, let us start moving stuff in and the room started to get filled VERY quickly so she opted to start moving stuff out to make room for us. Turns out that her friends were going to help her move and they hadn't arrived yet with the company van which is why she was delayed. She did have high remarks for the neighborhood and the people I was moving in with which was good to know. Ultimately as we were done moving stuff, her friends were just a few minutes out so she got the privelege of our parking spot while I sped back to Manhattan to return the truck.
Now mind you, at this point it's just after 6:00 and I have plenty of time to get the truck back. I was just so tired I said "fuck it" to refilling it with gas and just wanted to be done with it. So what if I paid a $20 fee...I didn't want to see that truck ever again. So I pulled in to the station and there was no one there to accept the truck so I just walked in and stood in line. Ten minutes later a female employee (who was leaving....please note...leaving) said that everyone holding keys had to go back outside and check their trucks in first so it was back outside to do just that and get the slip that basically said that they had the truck and my nightmare was over.
Or was it.
They had only two people working the counters -- one person checking trucks in and one person checking them out. As I got in line, the woman checking trucks back in called for the next person in line. Forty five minutes later she was still with that person. One of the women behind me (and yes, I'll say it...she was of the "pushy Jewish" variety) got fed up waiting and went outside to get someone to get a manager. Her thought being that she was paying by credit card, they had the truck, they had the equipment, they had everything, why should she wait when they were just going to charge her card anyway?
I liked this woman.
She got a manager (or someone at least posing as a manager) to come out and accept her paperwork which he stapled and laid on a pile of other work and then he left. Left as in "Adios I am gone for the day" kind of left. We were pissed. We wanted to do it too. We just wanted to drop off our paperwork and leave.
The revolt was in motion.
I went with this other woman to the back office where Pushy Jewish Woman (and trust me I thank her for being that as I would have been there for another two hours) had gone and we pretty much complained our heads off that there was no need for us to stand in line if they were going to charge us on our cards and they had hte truck. This went on for a while longer and we were joined by the six other people in line who were insistent that we weren't going to stand for slow service when we could just drop off our paperwork and go.
But what really got me was that the woman who was taking our paperwork was in a big huff that we were actually making her do work (or at least so it seemed). I mean...forty five minutes with ONE customer is a bit much, no? They made some feeble excuse about it being the first of the month and the evening which was always a busy time to which someone shouted out that if they knew that then they should have more people on staff to accomodate for that.
Ultimately, we all got our paperwork handed in and I got Wrestler Guy's ID card back and off we went. I did stop one woman who as returning a truck and told her to hurry to where the guy in line behind me was standing and just turn in her paperwork or she would be in line forever.
I was smelly. I was dirty. I was tired. But the best part of the day came when an old fuck buddy called me to say he was in town and wanted to meet up.
That was some of the best sex I've had in a while. Maybe it was because I was just so tired and needed a little rest. Maybe it was because I just needed to do something that wasn't move related. Maybe it was just because I was horny (which I really wasn't but it didn't take long after his call).
Either way I'm moved in...I'm about 90% unpacked and all I need is the cable and internet connections to make it truly home. Yeah it's smaller than where I was before and I don't get to walk to work anymore but it's cheaper (about $500 a month cheaper) and it's finally a place to call my own...really my own...after the fire. No more sublets. No more smoke. Just a nice feeling of settlement that I haven't had in a while.
Sigh....it's a good thing.
Quote of the Day
But don't fuck with me about my smokes, people. At least, not... right now.
Especially if you're bitching that my secondhand smoke is ruining the taste of your daily Double Whopper with cheese deathtrap. -- The delightful rants of Palochi
Especially if you're bitching that my secondhand smoke is ruining the taste of your daily Double Whopper with cheese deathtrap. -- The delightful rants of Palochi
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Quote of the Day
Dem Picks Gephardt as VP Candidate. -- Headline from this morning's New York Post. Click here to see the picture of the paper's front page that was pulled from its website this morning.
Friday, July 02, 2004
U-Haul = Satan
I think I've said it all...more on the "Unpacking of All That Is Brian, the 646Guy" coming soon...
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