Loyalty

Today my loyalty as a person and a friend was called into question.

Twice.

The first person to question it I sorta blew off as something done during the heat of an argument which was then followed by a friend calling me and questioning why I was not in the best of moods when I answered the phone. I mentioned that I had someone just tell me that I wasn't a loyal friend. Their response:

"Well, you're not..."

And with that they went off into their own conversation that they had originally called me about and the comment was lost into the ether.

Well it was until it came back and hit me with the force of a hurricane about fifteen minutes later. Were they joking? Were they serious? Am I not a loyal friend? Am I not loyal at all?

It's giving me pause to really examine myself and try to understand what was being said and how true it may or may not be. I dunno what to think anymore. The first time it didn't really hurt because it seemed to come from anger and passion and I could, somewhat, dismiss it as being a product of emotion. But the second one came at me totally at random and is making me wonder who I really am as a person and a friend.

I've always thought of myself as a loyal friend who would go to extremes to help out in a pinch. But at the same time, I've always been able to have great debates with friends over issues where we disagreed but it never harmed a friendship. I guess I'm just at a loss here because I can't explain it or comprehend this one at all.

From either person.

Ever have one of those days

....when you just need one really good fuck (in either position top or bottom) to set yourself right again?

Well it may take more than one for me...

My sister's take on the Schiavo situation

Mind you, my sister isn't a fan of the way that Terri Schiavo has to die and might not agree with the court decisions, but at the very least she respects the extensive medical research and knows that Terri's options are severely limited. However, she did have this to say about the protesters:

What are these people trying to do bringing her water? The woman cannot swallow! Do they want to drown her instead?

I think that says it all....

Save Oprah

Oprah


A little history since this has now been linked at Gawker...I found this pictuyre online but it's the exact same thing (albeit my sheet of paper was green not red) while waiting for the bus to go to rugby practice last night in East Harlem. I don't think Gail King is involved...Starr Jones maybe...

Nah Starr would never do something like that unless there was an endorsement deal in there for her somewhere...anyhoo...hope this sends you off on a good weekend...

Quote of the Day (and a small shock)

It's shocking that this man and I actually agree on something but in this situation we do. Taken from the 1990 Supreme Court right-to-die case of Nancy Cruzan...

While I agree with the court’s analysis today, and therefore join in its opinion, I would have preferred that we announce, clearly and promptly, that the federal courts have no business in this field, that American law has always accorded the state the power to prevent, by force if necessary, suicide. ... The point at which life becomes ’worthless,’ and the point at which the means necessary to preserve it become ’extraordinary’ or ’inappropriate,’ are neither set forth in the Constitution nor known to the nine justices of this court any better than they are known to nine people picked at random from the Kansas City telephone directory. -- Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia

Breaking a taboo

It's rare that I blog about the inter-workings of my rugby team. And, if I do, I always veil it as something else so unless you REALLY knew what I was talking about you would have NO clue whatsoever. This time, however, I can't be as vague.

I'm working on our team's third annual bachelor auction and trying to do my overachiever best to make sure that people who need stuff for their auction date package get what they need. There are a few that are terminally clueless, creative-less, and lots of other "less"-es that seem to need a little extra nudge to get things moving but usually I'll come up with an idea that they will love.

Not so with this one guy who shall remain nameless.

One of the guys on our team has season tickets to the Mets. Now, I know, I know, I know. It's the Mets. But who cares since the guy is donated four tickets to a Mets game. FOUR! That's TWO DATES worth! That makes my life so much easier.

So...I went up to one of the guys who is of the clueless, creativeless sort and told him that I had Mets tickets for him. He hemmed and hawed and gave me the traditional, "Eh...I dunno, Brian" shrug before he said, "Well...I just don't like the Mets."

Now this, of course, I can totally understand but for the love of all that's holy I came about as close to blowing up as I ever had. "You don't like the Mets? Who cares? It's one game! It's not like I'm asking you to trade in your Yankee pinstrikes! IT'S FREE FUCKING TICKETS, FOR CHRISTSAKE!!!" After more hemming and hawing, I finally gave him my traditional "whatever" signoff and proceeded to pass them off to the super hot British guy. You can't understand a word he's says but when he takes his shirt off you just want to lick him from head to toe.

I may blow my entire tax return on this one...*insert evil grin here*

Nah...I'll be good....

Maybe....

Restraining Order Lifted

Yes!!! I can shop here again!!!

Sorry...I just have this unnatural extreme dislike of her since I learned about her no-nudity clause on SATC while Kim Cattrall was just going to town....

Quote of the Day (followed by snarky comment by me)

Democrats and Republicans in Congress came together last night to give Terri Schiavo's parents another opportunity to save their daughter's life. -- Pres. Dubya

Hmmm...nineteen judges, appeals to the Florida Supreme Court, several federal appeals, not to mention three denied appeals to the U.S. Supreme Court aren't enough of a judicial review, I guess.

So now that they have gotten their way and are getting a federal court to review the case history and arguments, what's going to happen if and when the judge rules against them? More appeals? More laws passed? I think we're getting to the point past ridiculous.

Just in case...

I know I talked about this a couple of years ago but since I don't want to wind up the same situation, please consider this, for the time being, to be my wish should I ever be in a persistent vegetative state with no hope for recovery:

PULL THE FUCKING PLUG.

I do not want Tom Delay, Bill Frist, or Denny Hastert telling me that I have to be kept alive just because they don't like the idea. Attention, gentlemen, just beacuse you don't like it doesn't make it wrong. (And of course the converse of it is true as well.)

Is the death process going to be difficult for Terri Schiavo? Probably although some medical experts say she will be simply slip into a coma and peacefully pass away. Again, if this was me and I'm operating on the same age level as her parents' attorney says she is (which incidentally is that of a six month to eleven month old baby), then I do not want to my family or loved ones through the pain and agony of having to care for me. And I still want to see ONE lawmaker who is trying to circumvent 15 years of court verdicts that would be willing to trade places with her.

I keep thinking back to Nancy Cruzan's case and how her family went to court to have her tube removed because it was what her daughter had expressed as her wish -- she didn't wany to live in that manner. The Supreme Court agreed that she had the right to refuse treatment and a feeding tube constituted treatment. I don't see the difference here. The causal factors might be different but having read as many court transcripts and documents as I have, I cannot see how Terri Schiavo can be rehabilitated.

And don't worry, I am getting a living will drawn up. But for the time being, in the event that I get pushed in front of a subway train before I can get it done, I've made my wishes known.

In closing, I offer the following from the Second District Court in Florida. I think it very fairly sums up this true tragedy.

The judges on this panel are called upon to make a collective, objective decision concerning a question of law. Each of us, however, has our own family, our own loved ones, our own children. From our review of the videotapes of Mrs. Schiavo, despite the irrefutable evidence that her cerebral cortex has sustained the most severe of irreparable injuries, we understand why a parent who had raised and nurtured a child from conception would hold out hope that some level of cognitive function remained. If Mrs. Schiavo were our own daughter, we could not but hold to such a faith.

But in the end, this case is not about the aspirations that loving parents have for their children. It is about Theresa Schiavo’s right to make her own decision, independent of her parents and independent of her husband. . . . It may be unfortunate that when families cannot agree, the best forum we can offer for this private, personal decision is a public courtroom and the best decision-maker we can provide is a judge with no prior knowledge of the ward, but the law currently provides no better solution that adequately protects the interests of promoting the value of life.

Miracle Drug

Therapy.

I've had three sessions so far and for the most part no complaints. Maybe I feel that I need to fill in the gaps a few times when the therapist is just looking at me but I think I've managed to remember to stop talking and not restart a conversation just because there is a pregnant pause.

What I have come to discover though is that therapy is, pretty much, a narcotic. Once you start talking you just keep talking and talking and telling a totally perfect stranger about the innermost secrets of your life. Fears, hopes, worries, dreams, etc. You're laid bare, totally exposed, and from that you're pointed into new avenues to discuss and explore. And I guess for me, once I start I just keep going and going and going until I think I've said all that I need to say and then I shut up.

I did tell my sister that I went back into therapy (although she didn't know about the earlier times) and for some reason she got a big kick out of it and told me to ask my doctor that if she pays him my copay can she go ahead and blab about my childhood in a way that only my sister can (for example, telling him about the time she tricked me to taste cat urine, how she would put lemon juice on top of my vanilla ice cream...oh the list goes on).

Some of my friends are somewhat surprised that I'm being so open about the steps I have taken since the post-Valentine's Day fiasco. I feel no shame in admitting that I may need some help or that I might not be strong enough to do what I feel needs to be done. After all of the years I have spent NOT talking about what bugs me,it's about time that I start spilling the beans and just let it all out.

Hmmm. A cathartic narcotic. Who would have thunk?

Money, Money, Money

I got my taxes done yesterday. One of my colleagues recommended the guy he's been going to for a few years. He told me his guy will definitely get me money back regardless of my concerns about the capital gains and the money I received as a part of my inheritance. I went in there without high expectations of how much I would be getting back but I was so wrong.

I have never been so turned on my a tax return in my life.

Let's just say that the amount of money I will be taking to Italy with me will GREATLY increase once this return comes in and it may make the difference between which of the two bed and breakfasts I stay at while I'm in Venice.

To say that I was thrilled with the results is a true understatement.

The Quasi-Return of SuitMan

So yesterday, for the first time in a month, I saw SuitMan after the post-Valentine's Day horror. I kinda wondered how I would react when I saw him and if I would have to do my best to quell any emotions of anger and hatred or if just by seeing him I would be reduced once again to a quivvering bowl of jello.

Luckily neither happened. I was kinda surprised to learn that I felt absolutely nothing for him in either direction. Pretty much just an, "Oh, there he is," kind of reaction but other than that nothing at all. We didn't say anything to each other and I think he passed by me once (without saying anything but then again I did tell him not to speak to me for a while). Even when I saw him talking to the guy that he's seeing now (if he's still even seeing him) I didn't have a reaction.

Personally, I'm kinda impressed with myself on this one. I think this is a good sign and we'll see how it goes next time I see him.

Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

G-O-N-E...GONE! (with a special Weekend Update)

I went on a bit of a shopping spree this weekend. About 90% of it was totally necessary and the remaining 10% was just to do something for me -- something I hadn't done in a REALLY long time. Granted those percentages are just a little bit off but I don't care...

On Saturday, the annual bonus hit my account and I went out on the web to go and find the airline fare of my dreams to get me to Italy. Just over half of my bonus was gone in that one purchase alone. I have a direct flight from JFK to Venice's Marco Polo airport which means about eight hours in the air (and as much sleep as I can grab) before I transfer to the train for the four hour ride down to Florence. Now, I know you're all wondering why I'm not flying directly into Florence and that's because I'm spending my last two days in Venice and it just makes a little more sense to fly into the city where I'm going to spend the last days of my trip. If it all works out well, then I should be in Florence by 3:00pm which will give me enough time for a short nap or maybe a little quick shopping excursion for something snappy to wear at dinner.

The next purchase came a lot quicker than I expected as I was going to hold off on the charge card until after the team's rugby bootcamp. But, as I was walking to get a cab, I passed by City Sports on 53rd and Lexington and spied hiking boots in their downstairs shoe department. I debated for all of nine seconds whether or not to check out their selection or head to the bootcamp when I gave into my inner Carrie Bradshaw's love of shoes and decided to check out their offerings. Fifteen minutes later I had a pair of chocolate brown hiking boots and a pair of Asics (which were on sale for $25) in my hand and I was in a cab heading off. Another hundred plus out the window.

The damage, howwever, wasn't over. A friend dropped me off at the subway station heading home. The bad part is that it happened to be right next to the Best Buy in Chelsea. I couldn't resist going down to take another look at the DVD players they had on display. The main thing to remember here is that I do not own a DVD player. Not at all. I bought my parents a DVD player before I bought myself a DVD player. Well, knowing that I had a little money left to splurge with, I opted to go high end -- a DVD recorder/VHS combo which was on sale. Throw on some blank DVDs to record some shows on and more DVDs than I really should have bought (and some which I probably could have done without), a new CD player (the cheap $20 kind), batteries, etc, I blew the rest of my bonus there VERY quickly. In less than one day, I had spent more money than I ever had before in my life.

I was nauseous but got over it when I successfully installed the new electronic toy on my first try.

So what else happened this weekend....

Friday night had a little bit of flirting action going on. One of my friends in Canada and I have a mutual friend who lives in Pennsylvania who, at the very least, is bi and also cute as hell. We've had lovely little flirtations in the past few days where I've joking referred to him as my new boyfriend (because he is cute as hell) and joked that we were going to audition for The Amazing Race as a "gay couple on the verge of a break up" and then fight all the way through before making up at the end. We exchanged a few pics of each other and I got to see his ex (a male one at that) and while my Canadian friend seems to want me to put a move on him I doubt anything will happen unless he and I both get really drunk and he happens to be staying at my place and we have to both sleep in my bed. Queen sized naturally.

Saturday was the rugby boot camp and there was some mild flirting with one of the guys who came out to see if the sport was for him. Nothing major just watching him strip down to his boxers out in public and then him telling me where I can see naked pics of him online (including a cum shot apparently). He told me to email him with information about practices this week and I did leaving him a little message that I couldn't find his pics so I guess that means he has to email them to me. As of yet, I haven't gotten anything from him.

Sunday, I had a date. Yes. A date. And not with New Rugby Guy and the first date since the hell that went down with SuitMan. We'll call this guy Blondie (his very dramatic hair color) for now. Blondie and I went to have sushi (and a lot of sushi it was) for lunch and we chatted as we both had plans for later that day so it was kinda perfect. Blondie is like a twig. I would guesstimate he weighs about 130 if that much so I'm kinda wondering what he sees in me since people of his size do not generally ask people of MY size out on dates. He's 40 and from New Orleans and is a stylist for photo shoots. So far, so good. Nice guy. Very sweet. Total opposite of me so we'll see how this goes...we're going to try to get together sometime this week, if not this weekend....

If not, there's always my Philadelphia Cheese Steak to look into...

Going to hell

One of the guys on the rugby team brought our attention to this site and how it just couldn't be real.

Well it is and between another player and myself, we have a few items that they are missing...

Shroud of Turin paint by numbers set
Sugar Coated Body of JC cereal
John the Baptist Party Platter (with ten pounds of head cheese or salami)
The 12 Disciples of Christ Chocolate Set (white chocolate six inches, dark chocolate 10 inches)
The Pope on a Rope Soap Set
Pontius Pilate hand soap
Ascension Thursday levitation kit...

Hey...it's not a problem for me folks...I've already reserved my suite in hell with a nice view of the fire pits...

Pins and Needs -- Part, the Second

So...I got in this morning and I already had a message waiting for me.

It was the big French boss asking me to call him back. This meant one of two things -- either my coworker whose wife is pregnant needed serious medical care (he did leave early because she had a doctor's appointment yesterday) or it was time for me to head down to slaughter and get the numbers for my raise and bonus.

I had already been forewarned that the people on the trading floor were QUITE unhappy with their results and I pretty much went in expecting to get nothing as is my way. Considering that last year I walked out with NO raise for the second year in a row and a bonus that wouldn't even pay the therapy bills associated with the trauma of not getting a raise, getting ANYTHING would be better than last year.

My whole concept of going in expecting nothing comes from working for a company in Jacksonville, Florida, that I now refer to as "Hellspring", a small punny take their former name. I had a supervisor there who sang my praises to the higher ups about how I had exceeded her expectations with the process and I was her golden child, blah blah blah. When it came time for my review, she gave me a rating of "meets requirements" rather than the "exceeds requirements" that I thought I would be getting for all of my hard work and attention to the task at hand. Needless to say, the golden child was pissed.

She gave me some cock and bull story about how she has high expectations, yadda yadda yadda, and that I would have to make due with the pathetic raise that I was getting. In the employee response section of the review form, I wrote down, "I do not understand nor do I agree with this review considering the comments that have been made regarding my work performance to other managers in my presence."

My supervisor was shocked that I was write that down and I knew that all employee comments or "plans for action" would be going back though higher management for review and follow up as needed.

I never got a follow up.

But that is where my view of walking in expecting nothing in terms of a raise and/or bonus comes from...I went into that review expecting to be compensated for the long hours I had put in and, in return, I got nothing at all.

This year, I got more than they gave me last year. I got a raise and I got the highest bonus that I've ever gotten here. Granted it's not that much higher, but it's more than enough to get me a good flight for my prized trip to Italy this September with enough left over to invest in a good pair of hiking boots and maybe some hiking shorts as well.

Compared to everyone else, I'm happy with what I got. They could have given me the same as last year but, at the very least, I'm happy that I got more than last year which is all that I could really ask or hope for given the circumstances. This is just one of those situations where I know what it feels like to get the shaft (or as I like to call it, raped up the ass without the benefit of lube) but at least I'm getting something this year.

No complaints. Let the other people grumble about what they got. I, for one, am happy.

Pins and Needles

Apparently today is the day that we find out what our annual raise and bonus are going to be. Since I've pretty much been given the shaft on both for the last two years (well maybe not the bonus the first year) I'm going into whatever meeting is going to be held not expecting to get anything.

I think it's safer that way.

What I will talk about for the time being is her birthday bash this past weekend. I had a total blast and met a bunch of new, fun people as well as reconnecting with people that I kinda sorta recognized when I first entered but didn't know if I wanted to go, "Denise...is that you?"

For the most part there was eating, drinking, laughing, and an entertaining, somewhat dramatic reading from Valley of the Dolls made all the more hysterical by the fact that we read it after inhaling helium. I wish I could have held in the helium longer but after about two words I was busting out laughing.

I guess what I really enjoyed about the party (more than the booze, food, and celebrating all that is Zeebah's 30th birthday) was the ability to connect with new people and learn from them and their experiences. Laughing about our communal backgrounds and how really and truly a small world New York can really be (who knew that she and I shared so many friends?). It was the perfect way to end a week and even walking home at three in the morning, wide awake and totally sober mind you, I had this huge smile on my face just remembering the fun of the night.

So...I'm up for some bocce...just name the time and place...

Too spooky...

So I mailed off the bear yesterday afternoon. Mind you I had to leave the apartment without my keys because I could find them.

Lo and behold, I got home last night, the roommate let me in, and the first thing I saw were my keys.

The karma it is a-changin'...

The bear is gone

The bear has been sold and will be leaving the apartment tomorrow.

Maybe this will help me find my keys again.