Okay if you haven't finished reading the new Harry Potter book (The Order of the Penis or whatever it's called) then I suggest you stop reading right NOW....otherwise I might be forced to reveal that it's Harry's third cousin's maid twice removed from his Labrador retriever's poodle love slave's step-uncle's grandfather that dies in the final pages...you know...

Okay, I care not one bit about Harry Potter. I haven't read any of the books. I refuse to read any of the books. Someone told me when the first movie was about to come out that I was missing out on the pop culture revolution and would be totally out of the mainstream, I said, "Whoopie fuckin' doo. I listen to Ella Fitzgerald and Billie Holiday while reading Agatha Christie murder mysteries. And I'm mainstream?"