Friday, September 12, 2014

Opening the Door

As I have mentioned before, I started therapy. Initially this was grief counselling to help me through the "fallout" from my father's passing.  It has been a rough time and the therapy has shifted somewhat to some of my personal issues that I have not addressed.

The hardest thing to admit was that I don't truly have an idea of who I am as a person or what I want.  And.. if I do know what I want, I'm not willing to admit it or confess it to even myself.  My life outside of work and roller derby is... okay, let's be blunt... it's empty.  For the past couple of weeks I have done nothing more than go home after work and sleep.  The depression funk that I have found myself in the past few months is like the tides.... ebb and flow... ebb and flow....

The ultimate thing that came out is that I have been living my life for way too long as an "island" - on my own, depending on no one but myself, forging it alone.  What that has done is isolate me from so many people.  I was asked to go through my cell phone and give people a "star" rating of how much I thought I could depend on them.  I only gave one person the highest four star rating.  It made it perfectly clear that I need to allow myself to be a little more vulnerable, let people in more, and truly forge some deeper friendships.

So what does this mean... I need to be out among people more.  I need to share more about me.  I need to allow people into my world, into my past, and truly trust that who I am as a person is enough to keep them around.  I don't need to be funny, witty, sarcastic.  I need to let the facade go...

Starting now, starting today, I'm opening the door and walking through... I feel more vulnerable now than I ever have before... 

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Pause and remember

13 years ago today I was on the 5th floor of what was then Bear Stearns world headquarters at 245 Park Avenue when a coworker, Alison, got off the phone and told us that a plane had struck the World Trade Center. In my normal smart ass mode, I joked that it wasn't me who did it. What unfolded over the next few hours shook me to my core like few things ever had before and would do since. Living in one of the outer boroughs and not having a way to get home outside of my own two feet, Alison took me into her home with her now husband Michael where we forged a wonderful, deeper friendship as watched the world we knew at that time irrevocably change. Many people chose to leave NYC following those events in 2001. I chose to stay for another 12 years despite my mother begging me to move. If I was going to leave, it was going to be on my terms. Today, pause and take a moment to remember those we lost - the innocents who seemingly had no choice and the brave who charged forth into danger to save as many as they could.

Friday, August 15, 2014

The Unfinished Puzzle

First and foremost to get it out of the way... no soda.  Still on track.

Second, I had my first grief therapy appointment following my father's passing yesterday and it is clear that this is going to be a full, whole body and mind integration.  What stands out to me is how I described myself vs. how my therapist described myself.  

I described myself as a 1000-piece puzzle that never seems to get finished.  Sure there's a corner here and a piece there that's put together but the picture is never fully finished because you keep putting it back in the box to work on later.  The way he described me was very much a trailblazing free spirit who wants to have that stable "rock" of an existence but not lose the other side of me at the same time.  

I cried.  I cried a lot.  I am sure I will cry some more.  

This truly was a good decision on my part and I look forward to continuing this journey.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Thoughts and more

30 Day Challenge is chugging along well. This is officially Day 12 and to be honest, I am pretty sure I am going to be able to pull this off.  My energy is WAY up and I am not dragging first thing in the morning either.  And, if we want to believe that just dropping soda will help you lose weight, I have a pair of size 36 jeans I JUST RECEIVED that are baggy on me!

My blood sugars continue to drop and drop and drop and drop...When I first started going to my doc my numbers were 294.  Today I clocked in at 129.  That folks is PROGRESS...

Finally, I am really sad and glad at the same time that Robin Williams' suicide has brought the topic of depression and mental health into the forefront.  As someone who has suffered from depression for years and only recently started taking anti-depressant for it, I can tell you that when it hits and hits hard, it can be crippling. It can simply paralyze you. I cannot count the number of times that I could not get out of bed and just laid there for hours.  It's great that the conversation has started and I hope that it continues.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Robin Williams' Suicide

I just got an alert on my iPad about Robin Williams being found dead and it was being investigated as suicide as he died due to asphyxiation.  Per news reports, he was suffering from severe depression.

This resonated with me so hard as depression is something that I have dealt with for many years.  I say for many years because, in hindsight, that's what it was... Only in the last two years did I realize the feelings I had, the inability to get out of bed, the crying when someone spun a dollar on the Big Wheel (and, don't laugh, I totally bawled when that happened)... all of that was, in reality, depression.  Each time I have found a way out of it.  Suicide was never an option for me then and is not one now.

Hearing of Robin Williams' suicide hit me hard.  It made me realize that I am doing the right thing by seeking help and entering into therapy - first for grief counseling and then for other issues that have been a part of my life for a while.  I know that Mr. Williams sought counseling for his demons and sadly, for him, he felt this was his only option to end his suffering.  Thankfully, for me, I look at this as an opportunity to move forward.  No, I am not in the same position as Mr. Williams and am not comparing myself to him.  If anything, I feel like this has strengthened my resolve to continue my overall path to better health - both physical AND mental.

30 Day Challenge - Day 10 of No Soda


I have made it to Day 10 and still no soda.  As I have said many times before this is the point earlier this year where I couldn't hack it and just gave into my body's cravings and slurped down can after can, never once looking back.

I have noticed I am a little bit slimmer now than I was when I started this project.  Based on past experience and the knowledge that men tend to lose weight a bit faster than women when they quit soda, I expect to drop anywhere from 5-10 pounds this month just from drinking more water (okay, yes there's sugar and sodium free drink mixes in the water... but hey... it's water)....

Also, today I noticed I have an increase in energy.  My office has a spiral staircase that links all three of our floors.  Today I could bound up and down the stairs with ease - something I haven't been able to do in a long time.

Today I saw results.

It makes me positive I can keep going and complete the 30 days and maybe even permanently.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

30 Day Challenge Update (and more of course)

Here we are closing in on the end of Day 9 of the No Soda Challenge and I have to say that this is getting easier and easier.  Last time I did this I was not in the right place to take on something like this. However, since my father's passing, my health is important to me.  Getting to the doctor and getting on all of my meds (and yes, there's a lot of those) is making take stock of a lot of things I am putting into my body that I shouldn't.  Soda is probably the one thing that I binge on daily.  It's practically crack in a can.  It was around this point in the process the last time that I tried this that I totally bailed and drank and drank and drank and drank soda after soda.

It rained all weekend (and I do mean ALL weekend).  So I decided to be a lazy bum.  I stayed in bed, watched crap TV on Hulu.  My mother sent me some pill sorters that my dad used and I did spend some time getting my pills in order and organized.  Not that I have a problem with taking my meds, but it did help me see where I stand, when I need to refill, etc.  Also, it gives me the impression that I am in control of my meds and not the other way around.

21 days to go.  I can do this.